Letting go

[honeybera]

OMG. I have been diligently studying about the dreaded core needle breast biopsy that is upcoming for me next week. I'm finding that very few people truly understand me - I mean REALLY get me. I like to KNOW what it is that's coming, take it all in and internalize it, decide what it is that I'm facing, and then hit it head on...fearlessly! The medical community apparently thinks that I'm a moron that needs absolute protection from KNOWING what is going on. (No, no, no... ) And they firmly believe that, as medical "professionals", they have all the say of what they can do with my body...my ONLY body! I don't believe that. I've SEEN with my own eyes what they do and what can happen.

For well over 5 yrs. I attended college as a Nursing major. (According to MD, it was more "lady like" than being a transit bus driver.) At one point at the University level, we student nurses had to take out malpractice insurance to cover our butts in case WE made a mistake. I've seen how nurses are much more important than doctors in the day to day care giving, and I've seen MANY mistakes, even blunders, made by doctors which were then covered up by nurses. It sort of goes with the territory. Even if you see an error (made by anyone), you don't tell. It's understood by all. You're in the Secret Club of Medicine and you keep the patient in the dark...PERIOD! The less the PATIENT knows, the better!!

So yeah...combine that knowledge with the utter secrecy regarding this mammogram --> Ultrasound --> CORE BIOPSY and my C-PTSD from childhood (and beyond), my lack of trust in general due to that, and my tendency toward all things related to anxiety, depression, and a few OCD items thrown in there...yeah, I'm sort of in an emotional mess behind all this. I feel very threatened when someone is so secretive about something that they're going to do to me. VERY threatened. I'm a big girl and do NOT need to be sheltered! In fact, I rather resent it!! They heard this in my voice when I called into the office to ask some questions THE DAY BEFORE my appointment. Their information coordinator "wasn't available", but I could leave a message. They put me through to an answering machine instead (AN ANSWERING MACHINE!!?? ) whose message to me was: "Sorry I missed your call. I won't be in until 8:30am." I did not leave a message. I had questions and wanted answers from a human being.

So what I did was to educate myself overnight and write down everything I was unfamiliar with and wanted answers to. I found that anxiety (and depression and panic attacks) are quite normal for everyone to feel when facing any kind of unusual issue around mammograms and all the procedures that can follow. Mine was a normal reaction. So was feeling fear and apprehension. But I wanted to know what they knew, what was in my chart, why did they determine to do to me what they were about to do, what exactly does it look like ("shadowy") and why do you consider it "suspicious", what was my BIRADS score (it's a 4, with a 3-94% chance of it being cancer, but in reality about a 30% chance in my case, which also means a 70% chance that it ISN'T), and so on. Good ol' Dr. Internet!!

So I rescheduled, which really irked the coordinator, but she didn't get around to showing up until 9am the next day for any questions I may have had, a mere 30 minutes before I was to BE THERE - and I KNOW how they operate! "Oh, you're here. No time for questions!" or "Oh, you're here. Here's some quick answers...now just step in here and change into this. More questions? No time! The doctor (whom you've never met) is READY FOR YOU!!" Nay, nay, I say!!! I want my answers BEFORE the darned procedure!! But when I mentioned rescheduling me, she "threatened" me with a long wait for the next appointment...but I happily said, "Sure! No problem. What have you got?" "It could be up to 2 weeks or MORE." "Fine. Whatcha got?" "How's next Thursday?" "Why, that would be just fine." She even had DS run over there to bring me a personally HIGHLIGHTED pamphlet from the American Cancer Society! (She couldn't have given me this BEFORE when I was already at the clinic?? ) So I have an appointment next Thursday 5-12-22, but she gave that appointment to me through gritted teeth. YIKES.

Then another person called me from the xray dept. to promise me that they were going to take a MUCH closer look for me at my foot and hand xrays. I had complained to the biopsy coordinator that I would like them to look at this or that and give me more answers on what they saw there, too, NOT just giving me some patronizing platitudes to shut me up before they holler, "NEXT!" The x-ray person is a real sweetheart and promised to get back to me ASAP.

====================(Lovely Monday )

Got my blood work done early this morning. Will see the doctor on Wednesday. Took the blood to also see if I've had COVID since my last blood work. I'm curious. Same reason for getting that terrifying and worrisome breast biopsy on Thursday. I want to know what's going on. The coordinator returned my call today at about 1pm, let me ask ONE question, and when I went to ask a second one, she abruptly (and rather rudely) just said, "HOLD." and I was listening to elevator music for the next 10 min...until I simply hung up. I did NOT call her back because she was already finished with me (apparently) and I didn't want the coordinator of my biopsy to be any more angry with me. So much for, "If you have any questions, just call.", but that was before I had the audacity to reschedule my biopsy appointment. Uppity patient!!

I did speak with my T about it, and she (blessedly) sided with me. I like this new T. AND she's getting me a COACH, too! YAY!!! I feel I need to hear things like, "So, did you water your plants daily (in 100º heat or worse) as often as you wanted to?" or "How did the sorting go in the Storage Room? Are you happy with the results? Why (or why not)?" I'm looking forward to having someone to speak to about it and be mindful (a favorite word of theirs) about what it is I'm trying to achieve and how I'm doing with my goals.

The nice x-ray lady also got back with me, apologizing about not having called me back earlier. The x-ray lady said she would give not only my current x-rays of my feet and hands to their specialist doctor, but also have the ones taken in 2012 by a different x-ray company to compare and contrast and try to come up with a more "in depth" look at what's really going on with me. YAY!!

DS and I went to the attorney today to get an updated Living Trust done. I'm really glad I did. I ended up changing a whole bunch of things and learning quite a lot about changing laws in my state which are much to my advantage, so I'm happy. I also included my DB in several things, like helping DS cope once I pass and giving him some power and permission to do so, called him tonight to get his permission to do so and he wholeheartedly agreed. I am relieved that after all the manipulation and underhanded scheming of MD and even my now-deceased SIL, my DB also seems rather relieved that our relationship can be stronger. He shared that I can have all the almonds that I want next year, but then he is pulling out ALL of his trees and replanting, so there will be no almonds for the next several years after that. Good to know. AND he reiterated that there are still other farmers around that he knows well, from dairy to meat producers, etc. that will be in touch with him and open to doing business with him ICSH. I can take their meat products and convert them to long term storage items (up to 30 yrs.) and many other things to to barter. I believe that food may be more important than gold or silver or bitcoins, because you can't eat those things while food you can. DB is even considering buying a cow and some chickens. And I know how to cook the basics from scratch, too (many have forgotten how or never learned in the first place), and I know how to: bake bread, make mayonnaise with eggs, mustard, vinegar, water, salt, and lots of olive oil, make all kinds of foods made with raw almonds: milk, yogurt, flour, and even cheeses, like farmers cheese, ricotta, cream cheese, and so on, most of them in my instant pot!

Nothing wrong with prepping, especially in these uncertain times. As soon as my dedicated 20 AMP circuit is installed (which should be very soon, depending on the outcome of my biopsy), I'm buying a loaf of CHEAP white bread as a trial batch for the freeze dryer and then a 50# sack of potatoes to slice up in one (or two) of my many machines, place them in the freeze dryer, and end up with freeze dried potatoes to store happily away in Mylar bags, into buckets, and into the Storage Room for 30+ yrs. or more. Or maybe get a recipe for Scalloped Potatoes and freeze dry that prepared recipe. Also from the new restaurant supply store, they have the HUGE bags of frozen veggies, enough to fill an entire tray for the freeze dryer...so like one tray of corn, one of peas, one of green beans, and so on, THEN into bags (once freeze dried) and into buckets. For me, a dream come true. I lived through 1974, and this is WORSE, MUCH worse already! Gas $5.29/gal. at Costco today! Wowee! Baby formula in extremely short supply and being rationed! I was told stories of the Depression and how people would go door to door in neighborhoods asking for food. Even a potato would do. My own bio-grandmother told me of stealing loaves of bread to feed MD and her two sisters. Times were tough, and I believe that they're about to get even tougher. Hey, prepping will keep me busy and out of the Bingo Parlors. You know how we old girls are!

DS is making wonderful noises about getting that huge old roll top desk out of the Storage Room (and SOLD), along with the two chest of drawers! YIPPEE!!! I need to do my part by sorting out everything I can to make room in the Storage Room (SOOOO MANY PAPERS AND JUNK MAIL FROM ANCIENT TIMES, like from my Welfare apt. in the projects and beyond, from the late 1990s-2005 or so!!!) and by doing that as quickly as possible. This week is rather busy with all of the health appointments, but I'll do what I can, however, the rest of the week and beyond is smooth sailing! I have FOURTEEN 71-qt. clear plastic bins WITH LIDS in the garage just WAITING for shelves to be cleared AND CLEANED for them so they can be filled with USEFUL things and set out there AND NOT IN THE HOUSE!!! DS seems to be getting in the mood to help me, and I REALLY NEED his help!! I cannot do this alone. Nor should I have to. If I was 26 or even 36, I could do it by myself, but I'll be 76 yrs. old this Fall. Not quite the same thing.

A nightmare just happened, though. My precious Tree Collard, the GREEN one, toppled off the birdbath feeder due to the wind and fell the 3 ft. to the ground last night! I ran out there with DS and he picked it up for me. It was ok, but that scared me silly. It's so strong and healthy! Then TONIGHT, it did it again...PLOP, right onto the ground due to the wind (I think it's a bit top heavy for its pot), but THIS time the dogs saw it fall and by the time I saw them, they were enthusiastically DIGGING in the pot itself, dirt flying EVERYWHERE!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! This time the fall even broke the pot!! And half the dirt was gone. But it seems ok, the actual plant, that is. So right now I'm going to re-pot it and DS has FINALLY moved my Lifetime folding table over to nearer my WOW (THANK GOD!!!), so that's where the re-potted Green Tree Collard will go. It's up high enough so the dogs can't reach my plants (they are diggers!!!!), and in fact, I can move ALL my plants over there and uncover my birdbath feeder so my birds can eat again. Sometimes the little birds just come and sit on the plants on the cover and give me dirty and mournful looks as if to say, "Where's our food? "

I need to get all of these things set up ASAP, maybe tomorrow afternoon (due to the Dr.'s appt. in the morning). This weekend will be a real scorcher, up into the 90ºF range and above, but I have plenty of inside work to do in the afternoons. However, the early mornings should be nice out there, even in the surface-of-the-sun heat that is coming in July and August. My plan: A little garden work, a little rest, a little garage work, a little rest, a little housework/Storage rm. work (moving stuff), a whole bunch of sitting down and sorting old papers. I'd love to just toss them all out without even looking at them, but some have my name on them (to be shredded) and some are really important, like the pink slips to my cars that I just found, so I do need to take a look at each one before the tossing. There are entire LARGE laundry baskets FULL of these papers, and BOXES stuffed full of them, too. It's rather daunting, but I have to do it or just accept failure now, and I'm NOT doing that!!!

I dread the rat and mice droppings out in the garage the worst, but cleaning them off the shelves is a necessity. UGH! Once it's done, I will feel SO happy!! I can clear out about half of the cupboards in my Hobby Rm. of unmitigated JUNK, freeing up all that lovely cupboard space. Well, it's not exactly "junk", but its HOME is NOT in the hobby rm. It all belongs in the garage. Hammers and screwdrivers and complete drill sets and bits and augers to go with them, and saws, including chainsaws and rotary and reciprocating, and saw horses, and garden hoses and shelves full of light bulbs (hobby room) and so on. I have a bunch of that kind of stuff in my bedroom, too, especially in my closet. And there's a TON of stuff in the storage rm., too. All for the newly purchased BINS and almost all in their handy suitcases. Already in the garage are BIG bags and bags of SOIL IMPROVEMENT items of ALL sorts, but once they're put where they BELONG (into pots/beds in the backyard), that space in the garage will be open for me as well. The same goes for all the things in my front room, like the 50# sack of rice hulls (for soil lightening up soil and water conservation) and several 20# bags of worm castings.

So it becomes like a puzzle for me to solve: The What Goes Where game! I will have a LOT more places to put my food that is sitting out on my sideboards and my table in my kitchen, blocking me so much so that I can't even bake my keto treats anymore, once I get some shelves cleared off in the garage. AND in the storage room, AND in the hobby room, AND in the front room, AND in the kitchen...AND I GET OVERWHELMED just facing it. AND I just sit down and watch TV or other videos and do nothing. I'm MD trained. "Just sit down and don't get dirty, and SHUT UP...Stupid!!" But I'm not that little kid anymore. I know better now. I need to follow Mark Twain's advice and NOT get overwhelmed or frightened or upset or especially QUIT, but instead "break your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks and then start on the first one." What dandy advice!! ♥♥♥

I also need to get some sleep to be ready for my doctor's appt. tomorrow morning. It's getting rather late. I am so grateful for this forum/thread. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Here I sit with the blood work, doctor's office visit, living trust appointment, and ultrasound guided core vacuum biopsy ALL BEHIND ME!! I AM SOOOO GRATEFUL!! What a week it has been!! The biopsy was the last of the daily appointments, and here I sit on a Saturday morning with a very bruised and battered boob. It was not supposed to be that horrible, but it was anyway. I'm still recovering. My breast is so tender!! The nurse said with some confidence, "Oh, you'll be fine. Just follow our instructions and you probably won't even bruise." I followed their instructions...and OMG. One big dark purple and red bruise from one side of my breast to the other. I must admit it is much less horrible than the debacle at Kaiser where the bruise was over the entire breast and was SOLID BLACK (no "blue", just black) and stayed that way for 3 months before it looked as good as the ugly 3" wide thing on my chest right now, so this is an improvement...I guess.

I got another tiny titanium "chip" rammed in there, too...sort of like getting a gold star and a lollipop for being a "good girl". Now I have two. I don't feel it, so that's good. I get the biopsy results on Monday. I'm fairly sure that I'll be ok, that it will be benign again. When I saw my doctor, he mentioned that the mammogram people were using the same wording, "a daisy chain of calcifications", to describe the reason for this current invasion as they did in 2015 at Kaiser, and that one came back as benign. So...fingers crossed.

My doctor also said that, according to the radiologist's report, my BIRAD score was 0 at the mammogram (a perfect score - nothing showed anything abnormal and with no possibility of cancer), but after the mammogram was over, I showed the mammographer my breast discharge that was concerning me, so she passed me on to the next level, the lady with the ultrasound, and she upped me to a BIRAD of 4 (possibly suspicious) and it was then decided by them that I was to get a biopsy. Goodie. So if I'd said nothing to anyone about my discharge (and I found out that having a discharge is RARELY a sign of cancer), I would have had a BIRAD score of 0, gone home, and that would have been that. But in the end I allowed the biopsy to be done just so I know positively that I do NOT have cancer, that it is NOT precancerous or anything else. I want to hear the blessed word "benign" again (as it was in 2015 with the same darned "suspicions" and 6 months of bruising and pain), and then I simply want to heal up all this probably unnecessary bruising, and never go outside of this house again...at least for a LONG, LONG time!!! As I said, the results will be given to my doctor to let me know on Monday. I'll breathe easier again then.

In the meantime, I'm beginning the sorting of papers and other things in the storage room. DS has been great and has volunteered to do any heavy lifting for me. I did up a whole sinkful of dishes today plus got my own food and did some computer work, too, plus watered the yard. Tomorrow will be a scorching 92ºF here, so if I really need to go out into the yard, I'd better do it early, but it's almost 4 am now, so that's not too likely to happen tomorrow. Beyond that it's a real goal, though. I'm finding that I've been getting things lined up for quite some time now. Everything is in place. I just need to make it happen. The 70 gallon plastic bins are purchased for the garage shelves, I have my mini chainsaw for pruning, and the raised bed and container soil is staged in the garage (mostly). I know where most things will go, too. I just need to move them there. It's like someone has come in here and scrambled this place up and now it's up to me to unscramble it and it's a HUGE job! I have sealed bags of worm castings in my front room, my hallway, and my hobby room! Yes, all three places! No, wait. Two places. I moved the 20# sack of it out of my hallway and into the hobby room where I do my re-potting. There's also so many tools and "kits" (drills, saws, all in little suitcase-like totes) that are in the house that belong in the garage.

And I want to begin cooking really low carb again, too. But I need to clear out that storage room first so I can store away the cluttered up food on my sideboard, cans and cans of things, and start putting all the foods (like grains and rice and pasta) into the buckets that I have, throw in a couple of oxygen absorbers, snap on the lids, and put them into the storage room. I should go to bed now. I'm tired and I need to get up around noon o'clock tomorrow and get started on the first thing and just keep chipping away at it instead of just thinking and writing about it. Maybe get to bed early tomorrow night so I can begin to beat the heat outside. Sounds good. But I did want to let you know what had happened to me lately. Hugs to you all!

Honeybera

[Progress]

Hey honeybera,
Congrats on rocking your week! You accomplished a lot!

Sorry about the bruising from your biopsy, but I’m so glad you got it done! It’s better to check on those things, right?

Oy, I’m such a hypocrite! I’m pretty behind schedule on my mammogram. Ok ok, I’ll schedule it!!

You’ve had a stressful week. So you stayed up until 4am? Not ideal, but you deserve some slack! You accomplished A LOT this week. If you need a night to gather your thoughts, and let things sink it, so be it!! That’s just the way it works!

Keep it up!

Cheering for you,
Progress

[honeybera]

♥♥♥Progress!!!♥♥♥ So great to hear from you and your uplifting words after such a terrible week! The bruising is really severe. And so are the lumps that this procedure created. Mind you, this is NOT a mammogram, nor is it even a painless ultrasound. But it is my firm suspicion that once on that path (mammogram to ultrasound to...?), those folks involved are quick to usher the patient down it to the surgeon's knife or the honestly brutal "biopsy". There is such a deep fear of cancer, especially breast cancer, and especially with these folks that see it all the time, that they are hesitant to ignore even the slightest hint of possible breast cancer. And are they really wrong in that actually?

I get my results tomorrow "sometime" from my doctor. The overwhelming odds are that I'll be just fine (despite the massive bruising), but until I get the FINAL answer, I remain uneasy. And so does everyone else who gets this procedure, according to "Dr. Internet". In fact, "he" says that the waiting to find out is the worst part for most people. I don't know about that. My breast is very sore, very bruised, and very lumpy...even where there were no lumps before. But this was NOT from a simple mammogram. Not even from the ultrasound. It takes an invasive, probing biopsy to do this much damage. But to KNOW ABSOLUTELY that this is only the common, BENIGN breast stuff that happens on occasion to many, many women is enough to make this worthwhile, despite all my complaining. It's the NOT knowing and all the uncertainty of possible cancer that is worse than the bruising I carry. WAY, WAY WORSE. And tomorrow I'll know. Prayers and positive thoughts are welcomed and invited!

Total change of subject: I had an epiphany tonight re: MD and all her blaming and shaming me as a little kid about "being LAZY". I don't remember what it was that triggered me tonight, but it suddenly came to me (70 yrs. later! ) that it was MD herself that was actually fearful of being considered LAZY. She was a fanatical housekeeper, like crazed!! Everything has to be PERFECT for her, CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN!!!!!!! But she didn't do it for self satisfaction. No, she did it to avoid any negative things OTHER PEOPLE might say about her. Now I know that most people usually are more concerned about what other people think about THEM, rather than judging others, but MD was positively OBSESSED by these thoughts of being seen as "less than" or lazy! My father once said to her before their marriage that she was "the cleanest girl he'd ever seen". So she took that deeply-hungered-for praise to the polar opposite of being lazy, but then blamed ME for being lazy and hated "me" for it! (However, it was actually SELF loathing on her part, but she could not admit that.) I was merely a little kid being a little kid. Little kids are not LAZY. Maybe curious, maybe spend an afternoon laying on their stomachs looking closely at the bugs in the yard's grass or playing in the sandbox. She did do all the work, but would scold me harshly if I even made the slightest innocent attempt to help out. My Grandpa, who was retired and lived in his house on the same property, never did that. If he did the laundry, I handed him the clothespins to hang it up on the clothesline. If he burned the trash, I handed him each piece to be put into the burn container. In fact, I enjoyed doing that. It made me feel useful. And like I belonged! I was included.

So was I, or AM I, LAZY? Not on your fireless cooker!! I was normal. SHE was the lunatic! This was a real epiphany to me tonight. Little by little, all her lies are falling away. I was NOT ugly, stupid, OR lazy! Those were HER fears, not my reality. AND SHE WAS IMMATURE! She beat me for those imagined things, holding my face and snarling, "Why can't you be pretty like ME?" But that was the trouble: I WAS! So she called me cruel and insulting names she'd make up and shame me. She'd sing me horribly sad songs (as a toddler and then preschooler) until my heart broke and I'd begin to cry, songs about shooting one's faithful pet dog (Old Shep by Red Foley) or one's little sister dying (That Little Kid Sister of Mine by Gene Autry or Eddie Arnold), and then she'd savagely slap me back into silence, saying, "YOU STOP THAT CRYING RIGHT NOW!!" That has WAY less to do with ME and MUCH MORE to do with HER!!!

Ooh! I went back and (thanks to the internet and YouTube) listened to the actual songs played. WOW! I still cried over Old Shep. That was always MD's go-to song to upset me if the other ones didn't work. Helluva way to get under the emotional skin of a 2, 3, or 4 yr. old kid!!! But what really impressed me was how totally HILLBILLY all these old songs were!! Both my father, who loved to listen to Sons of the Pioneers with ROY ROGERS , AND MD and her constantly playing radio in our cottage in the back of my grandparent's house, they were BOTH into these OLD HILLBILLY songs!! MD was from right across the border from the Oklahoma panhandle, coming out here in the depths of The Depression, Grapes of Wrath style! IT WAS HER SHAME! Then she was abandoned by her bio-mother and adopted by my grandparents almost as an afterthought because they adopted my Aunt M first and were leaving the orphanage when Aunt M said, "But what about my little sister?" Also MD's SHAME!! No wonder she was using the worst term she could think of on me when she screamed at me, "OKIE, OKIE, OKIE!!" during one visit to the (family almond) Ranch that DB now owns. I'd put my ODS's baby shoes on without socks, and MD had shrieked this nasty cultural slur in front of my DH at the time and ODS's father. He was proudly from OK and took the insult quite badly...and we packed it in right away with MD apologizing all the way out to the driveway as we abruptly LEFT.

I played Don't Fence Me In by the Sons of the Pioneers tonight for my Dad in heaven. I hope he could hear them. It was his favorite song of all time. I miss my Dad. MD, not so much.

That said, I'm off to bed. I'm resetting my sleep schedule now.

Honeybera

[Oceantide]

Hi Honeybera,
Sending good vibes re: the results of the biopsy (sorry about the massive bruising and understandable worry it has caused!)
I really relate to what you said about MD. Mine shamed me for being lazy (and dirty/messy) as well. But that was definitely a projection. She felt so much shame that she had to present as completely perfect, especially perfectly clean and neat at all times.
Hope you were able to reset the sleep clock.
Warm wishes, Oceantide

[honeybera]

Sending good vibes re: the results of the biopsy (sorry about the massive bruising and understandable worry it has caused!)

Hey Oceantide!! Thanks for the good vibes. DS recommended that I take a picture of how severe it is (even darker now to like a 3" deep purple/black strip across the entire breast, including the entire areola area). I did. The areola looks so weird being completely bruised and a purple-black color like that. I also believe that I'll let my own doctor know about this second bruising after a biopsy when he calls tomorrow. I'll ask for a video call and just show him. Not quite as tender today, and this one should heal up in about a month or so I'd wager. Better than the PTSD-causing 2015 Kaiser trauma, but still unexpected to be this severe this time. The nurse/radiology assistant even told me, "You probably won't even have a bruise at all." No kidding??? It's hard to trust these people.

I really relate to what you said about MD. Mine shamed me for being lazy (and dirty/messy) as well. But that was definitely a projection. She felt so much shame that she had to present as completely perfect, especially perfectly clean and neat at all times.

Ah! I see. Both of them were trained at the Abuser's School of Perfection, Charm, and Housewifery. Perhaps classmates? I completely forgot the "dirty/messy" slight. And yes, projection is the exact word for it. Only lately am I beginning to see and appreciate just how much she did that to me to assuage her own feelings of inadequacy and self hatred.

What Is Projection?

Unconscious discomfort can lead people to attribute unacceptable feelings or impulses to someone else to avoid confronting them. Projection allows the difficult trait to be addressed without the individual fully recognizing it in themselves.

How can you tell if someone is projecting on you?

If someone has an unusually strong reaction to something you say, or there doesn’t seem to be a reasonable explanation for their reaction, they might be projecting their insecurities onto you. Taking a step back, and determining that their response doesn’t align with your actions, may be a signal projection.

A harmful consequence of continual projection is when the trait becomes incorporated into one’s identity. For example, a father who never built a successful career might tell his son, “You won’t amount to anything” or, “Don’t even bother trying.” He is projecting his own insecurities onto his son, yet his son might internalize that message, believing that he will never be successful.

Although it’s difficult to do so, individuals who experience this can try to remember that the critiques are about the other person, and to be confident in who they are outside of that relationship.

- Psychology Today online

I rest my case.

I write for an audience of one – me.

I saw this over on a website explaining hormones and their interactions as they relate to diabetes, and I liked it so much I thought I'd share it with all of you. It's so me. This website has healed me so much, just being able to "tell on MD", that sneaky woman, who thought that she had covered all her tracks so thoroughly, somehow forgetting that little victim at her knee with the photographic memory. I just had to share that.

I feel safe in here, in isurvive.org. I do trust all of you, especially Jonesy. I could not be more grateful for all that you all have done as I struggle to work out what has happened to me, move past it, and thrive. "The best revenge is (to live) a good life." It's true. I might add "successful" and "happy" to that statement, too. I'm not perfectly there yet (does life actually allow that sort of perfection??), but I am SO much closer to it than I was when I began what has ended up as being the writing of a journal of the story of my life in 2014. (I enjoy writing and have had a LOT to say!)

I'll still be sorting papers today and readying the toys from my now defunct child care for the children's abuse T's office. One helluva happy way for me to donate those items, helping other child abuse victims and survivors and making new space in the storage room for new and currently usable items. I gave her this website, too, for any others that she may run across that need it. I'll also do laundry and possibly bleach water my bathroom and shower. OH! And some kitchen work, like a new batch of Smoked Ham Hock and Collard Greens Soup in the Instant Pot and then pre-portioned into one cup servings and frozen. YUM!!!!!!! No corn bread with that unfortunately. I need to get back to strict Keto for right now. I also need to clear off all my sideboards and kitchen table, put away ALL the canned goods, etc., etc. so I can make some made from scratch "keto corn bread". But that takes some counter space and prep work, some clearing out of old, junky, useless space hogs before that, so I'll start by sorting papers (it has to be done, after all) and readying the toys for that T. I can watch a movie while I do so - maybe a lighthearted one. Waiting for the results coming tomorrow...

Hope you were able to reset the sleep clock.

I'm in the process... It'll happen soon, ♥but thanks♥.

Honeybera

[Progress]

I feel safe in here, in isurvive.org. I do trust all of you, especially Jonesy. I could not be more grateful for all that you all have done as I struggle to work out what has happened to me, move past it, and thrive.

This made me happy.

I’m sorry about all that bruising and the accompanying pain. How awful!!!

Progress

[honeybera]

This made me happy.

♥♥♥ Oh Progress!!! ♥♥♥ Thank you so much! It makes me happy, too. Just having such a place to come to and share means so much to me.

I’m sorry about all that bruising and the accompanying pain. How awful!!!

Well, yes, that was awful, BUT my Dr. woke me up this morning with some even worse news: I have breast cancer. And only because of that bruising and pain suffered with the biopsy, we caught it "very early" and it has not spread...not yet anyway. So I am grateful for that. Now I have to face surgery, but there is a LOT of support out there to help me with this process. I spoke with a helluva nice guy, a "cancer coordinator" from the American Cancer Society (who also helped me to quit smoking back in 1990, thank God!), and what I learned from him is that I need to speak with my doctor again, but this time not half asleep, and to record what my doctor tells me from that chart in front of him, and to develop a list of questions for the surgeon. I also clearly see that what I want from my doctor, my surgeon, and my own personal breast cancer coordinator is total honesty, transparency, and to include me as a concerned partner in my own treatment and the eventual outcome. And boy oh boy, do I have QUESTIONS!!

When I went in for my mammogram, I was only a BIRAD score of 0, indicating NO obvious cancer of any kind, but more testing was possibly needed. As she was about to be sending me on my way, I also told her of my breast discharge, so she then sent me to have an ultrasound "just to be sure", and am I ever glad that I spoke up! I still believe that had I not mentioned the discharge and my own suspicions about it, had she NOT sent me to get an ultrasound, that this cancer, small as it is, would have been completely missed and would have continued to grow. YIKES! So as hideous an experience as this is, even to this point, to have not found it would have been MUCH, MUCH worse!!! So I'm glad we found the cancer so early and that it's only "just a few cells", according to my doctor.

Wow. 2am again. I have to rest now. So much has happened and I have to talk to a LOT of people tomorrow in the daytime.

Honeybera

[Jonesy]

Hi honeybera

Sorry to hear that you have breast cancer, but what a relief to know you caught it in the early stages - it's so true that we know our own bodies.
Wishing you well on the path ahead, know we are here cheering you on

[honeybera]

Hi honeybera

Sorry to hear that you have breast cancer, but what a relief to know you caught it in the early stages - it's so true that we know our own bodies.
Wishing you well on the path ahead, know we are here cheering you on

♥♥♥ Jonesy ♥♥♥ Thank you so much!!! It really makes a difference. Really!

I just found out this morning after reading the pathology report that it is invasive (is capable of spreading and may have spread some already), but is very tiny (0.8 cm) and will probably be satisfied with a simple lumpectomy (surgery) and some radiation treatments and some pills for the next 5 yrs. and DONE. One blessed relief is that there is NO indication that it's traveled to the lymph nodes. So it's still cancer, not even "pre-cancer", which is serious enough, but the prognosis is good that it won't return once all these procedures are done.

I have some very savvy and kind people helping me to cope with this diagnosis re: cancer, answering any and all questions that I'm having. I don't want to even attempt to change this forum into one about breast cancer, so I'm trying to find one with that sort of focus. I do need some serious emotional support during this trying time. But you guys I consider to be my dear friends, and I'll keep you posted on my condition from time to time. If a MD issue pops its head up at any time, though, I'll be right back here. You can bet on that!

♥♥♥ LOVE YOU ALL!!! ♥♥♥

Honeybera