emotionally tortured by my father

[pastelshades]

Recent events whilst dating seem to have opened up a lot for me. It feels like I'm flashing back to my life as a young child growing up. It feels so raw and painful.

When I was little I spent a lot of time with my dad. I had two younger brothers, one who was a baby at the time, but my dad prioritised me. He even prioritised me over my mother; he took me on lots of outings just the two of us. He bought me toys and books and gave me money. He took me out at night to play squash in our apartment complex when the rest of the family was asleep. He also emotionally tortured me. I remember the feelings now so vividly. A big thing with him was his mood switching. He'd appear to be happy, relaxed and joking around, but the second you said or did something he didn't like his eyes would go mad and staring and he'd either hit you or start shouting aggressively. It was terrifying because you never knew when it would happen, or what would set him off. I lived in fear all the time. He also liked to play mind games and say hurtful things, to this day I don't fully understand why he felt the need to do that. Calling me ugly or fat or a cow. Telling me "You attract psychos", calling me "pathetic".

As I grew up I was filled with self-loathing, I just wanted to disappear and not be seen or known by anyone. I was also numb to the point of having no awareness of any nuanced emotion. Looking at photos of myself from that time there's a deadness to my eyes, the blankness of someone suffering deeply, the emotions buried deep down. Certainly I did want to die back then, from around 9 or 10 years old. He made me want to die. Any day could be wonderful, with games and joking around and trips out and riding on his shoulders. Or it could be hellish, terrifying, feeling hunted like an animal, being threatened with the belt or his hand and feeling inherently that nothing I did, or could be, was ever enough for him. I had to live with these contrasting feelings. Heaven and hell. The effort of this combined with the pressure to be a "normal" kid, doing well at school and socially, almost gave me an ulcer. It was too much to deal with. I loved my father and he said he loved me, but I was so confused why he had to hurt me. It almost felt like he enjoyed it too, enjoyed the power and the control. I could never relax. I think I learned to play a character around him and to numb myself. It was the only way to survive. I felt unsafe all the time. I would fantasise about being a powerful animal like a snow leopard or a wolf just roaming in its natural habitat, totally free and untouchable. Sometimes I would pretend to be these animals, I never really understood why until now. I also used to act out games with toys when playing with my brother. The games were an ongoing saga in which there was a kindly father figure. He was sweet and bumbling and had many children, all of whom he loved and treated with respect. His behaviour was funny and non-threatening and he was present but in a kind way. I think this character gave us comfort, me and my brother. It almost felt like I could inhabit this imaginary world where my father was this kind and harmless entity and I was one of his many children, respected and cherished. This world was nonthreatening. We played for hours, for the whole day sometimes. I feel very sad as an adult thinking about my younger self who had so little. And that other adults like my mother were oblivious to my suffering.

[Rosahope]

What a heavy story.
Sending you love!


Edited changed to NT

[pastelshades]

thank you for reading Rosahope, you too!

[quixote]

pastelshades,
Glad you got through that. How difficult that must have been to face so much unpredictability.

[joyagain]

As I grew up I was filled with self-loathing, I just wanted to disappear and not be seen or known by anyone. I was also numb to the point of having no awareness of any nuanced emotion. Looking at photos of myself from that time there's a deadness to my eyes, the blankness of someone suffering deeply, the emotions buried deep down.

Reading this part, I could certainly relate to my own childhood from my own emotional torture by my stepfather. I was so embarrassed and ashamed by how my family really was, I didn't want any one to know, nor did I feel confident about how I really navigated being a kid then either.

But this thread is about you. I just want you to know that I empathize. Glad you made it through that hellish experience. And, I hope you continue to uncover and recognize your own strengths, like your imagination, that carried you through.

joyagain

[pastelshades]

pastelshades,
Glad you got through that. How difficult that must have been to face so much unpredictability.

thank you quixote. It was very difficult and it's upsetting now to realise through my experiences with dating as an adult how painful and confusing it was.

thanks for reading
pastelshades

[pastelshades]

As I grew up I was filled with self-loathing, I just wanted to disappear and not be seen or known by anyone. I was also numb to the point of having no awareness of any nuanced emotion. Looking at photos of myself from that time there's a deadness to my eyes, the blankness of someone suffering deeply, the emotions buried deep down.

Reading this part, I could certainly relate to my own childhood from my own emotional torture by my stepfather. I was so embarrassed and ashamed by how my family really was, I didn't want any one to know, nor did I feel confident about how I really navigated being a kid then either.

But this thread is about you. I just want you to know that I empathize. Glad you made it through that hellish experience. And, I hope you continue to uncover and recognize your own strengths, like your imagination, that carried you through.

joyagain

thank you joyagain, I'm sorry you relate. It was so wrong what they did to us and how they forced us to live like that.

thank you for your kind words.
pastelshades