What growing up was like for me

[plantsandtigers]

I need somewhere to communicate things that I dont know how to communicate. I sense that its ok to do so here - if its the wrong forum I can move it.

I spend most of my time in therapy processing my CSA memories and what my father did to me, with help from my mother. But I've been slowly discussing how much my mother used me for her own benefit. Something hit home today and I'm feeling all of it. How she moulded me into her little therapist, her support person, her rock, and she started before I could talk. She stole so much from me by making me her tool to be ok. I had to console her, comfort her, calm her, build up her self esteem. And she never ever was able to do that for me. She took and took and took from me and couldnt give me any love or comfort. I was repulsed by her, and ashamed at that feeling. I felt guilty unless I was helping her.

I lived in a house (not home) with a father who raped me very regularly from when I was a baby until I was 17. He was extremely controlling and cruel and critical. I have done a lot of work to accept as much of this as I can, for now. I had a illusion that my mother was good, but memories have surfaced to shatter that in recent times - that she helped him to SA me. And now I am starting to admit that she used me, not sexually, but emotionally.

I was just something to be used by both of them. They both took from me in the most wrong ways. Its no wonder I feel such deep pain as an adult. Its so f*king horrible what they did, every single day.

I kind of cant believe how badly they both treated me. We came from an upper middle class background and they are still people with good reputations and are well liked. It is insane to me. Insane to try and process it all. Insane that any adults could do such unbelievable cruelties to an innocent child. I dont even know what to do with these realisations and feelings sometimes. I dont really understand how I survived, to be honest. I was so consistently suicidal as a child, teenager and adult. My father was so violent that I was close to death so many times. My life is safe and supported by loving people now, and its so profoundly jarring from how things were before.
Its all so strange. The extreme cruelty and boundless love, from the same species.

Today is hard. I feel confused. Sore. Bereft. Grateful. In unbelievable pain.

There has to be some sort of strange strength inside me that I may never fully understand, that gets me through these moments.

Sending warmth on the cold days to all of you fighting your fight,
plantsandtigers

(Edited to fix typo)

[Oceantide]

Dear plantsandtigers,

I hear you. I hear how unsettling it feels that not just one, but both parents were complicit and used you. It's hard to believe humans treat their own offspring this way. It's surreal, especially given that you now have loving relationships with other loving humans, thankfully. So you know human love is possible, healthy, normal.

I'm glad you feel safe expressing your feelings here. I'm sorry today is so hard, that the pain is so intense. I'm glad for your very deep strength as well. It's inspiring. But I'm really sorry for all you've endured. It shouldn't have happened. You didn't deserve it. No one deserves to be treated like an object by anyone, especially their parents, who should have been cherishing them and caring for them. I'm glad you survived near death and are continuing to feel and heal. I'm glad you're here.

[plantsandtigers]

Oceantide,

Thank you for your message. I've read it a few times over the past few days and I appreciate the time and thought you put into it.

It took me a few days but I've started to vocalise some of this to the people that I trust and it has helped a lot, because I was really struggling and feeling suicidal again - glad to say I'm back on more steady ground today. Its impossible to know how much is left unprocessed or even unknown inside me, and I find that hard to sit in. I find the pain hard to sit in too. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in experiencing this. What a ride it is, healing from crazy amounts of abuse.

plantsandtigers

[Oceantide]

plantsandtigers,

I like your name.

Also, you seem to have really good instincts. First posting your feelings here, then sharing them with people you know and trust, especially to counter the suicidal feelings. Speaking your truth and being validated is really important.

You say "Its impossible to know how much is left unprocessed or even unknown inside me." I remember when I felt that way several years ago. I joked that I needed to "upgrade my HP operating system" (where HP stood for Higher Power, my spiritual faith) in order to have the courage to look inside. Of course it wasn't a joke. It took a lot of spiritual courage to do it. But I'm grateful I did. I feel that with your strong instincts and support you'll be able to navigate it. Wishing you all the best, Oceantide

[plantsandtigers]

Oceantide,

Thank you sooo much. This message really touched me. I feel really seen, which is pretty incredible over an anonymous forum.

Yeah - learning to trust those instincts over the conditioning is a challenge but I feel called to do it more and more. I'm curious about whether you feel that you have most of your past (or enough) in your awareness now? Or whether you are maybe more accepting of the unknown? I think I'm asking that more for my partner, who is overwhelmed by the ever unfolding of traumatic material from my past and wonders will it ever end... in fact I wonder the same. But I'm convinced there has to be a bottom at some point.

Time will tell I guess.

Thanks for your reassurance and confidence in me - I sense I can do it too, if I keep reaching out.

plantsandtigers

[Oceantide]

plantsandtigers,

I'm glad you felt seen. I've definitely felt the same thing on this forum and you're right, it's pretty remarkable!

I like how you phrased your question - do I have most of my past (or enough) in my awareness now? Yes, I have "enough" and at the same time I also keep growing in awareness. But you're right, the key is acceptance of what I don't know (or don't yet know). A close friend and mentor often told me "you'll know what you need to know when you need to know it" which used to really bug me! But now I find it quite comforting. So while I do ask inside, and am open to what I may hear, I only do it when I have a need to know something. I don't go on a frantic hunt for memories. And I have no illusion I'll bring everything to light.

But I'm convinced there has to be a bottom at some point.

That same friend (she knew me when I first started to "ask inside") often told me the same thing. It made sense to me then, but today I'm less sure. I guess, in my case, my experiences were so complex that I'm not assuming I'll remember (or need to remember) everything. Yet I'm much "lighter" than ever before and experience more freedom.

[joyagain]

Sending warmth on the cold days to all of you fighting your fight

Thank you. The same to you.
I"m glad you are here and that you are here among others of mutual intent.

joyagain

[joyagain]

But you're right, the key is acceptance of what I don't know (or don't yet know). A close friend and mentor often told me "you'll know what you need to know when you need to know it" which used to really bug me! But now I find it quite comforting.

I was incredibly surprised to read this, '"you'll know what you need to know when you need to know it"' because that is what I used to say to myself and live by just in general and for quite some length of time, years. And, well I've never heard, or read, it any where else before. But over the last couple of years, it had dropped away from my inner dialogue only to make a come back just maybe a week ago, when I was so HARD TRYING to remember memories I recognize I suppressed due to being re-traumatized. You called here trauma induced "amnesia." Yes. But eventually, that inner-guidance "you'll know what you need to know when you need to know it" popped back into my consciousness. At first, I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to remember! I needed to know! and like you felt with your friend, it bugged me when I'd think of it. And, I knew better because I've had a lifetime of lessons in trying so hard and how it never worked and only brought me grief. A lesson I thought I had actually mastered. smf guess not, lol. Anyways, this week I finally gave it a new go and gosh it wasn't not long before it brought relief, calm and now as you state here, comfort. It's just un-canny to then also read it said here - appreciate it. It's been a challenging week, needed it - thanks

joyagain

[grandma in pain]

plantsandtigers,

I want to let you know that, although I can not find the words right now that I feel would be adequate, I do want to tell you that I hear you and I'm so sorry for all that you have endured from the 2 people who should've loved and protected you the most. Isurvive is a place where we will find the support, caring, and most of all, understanding that we can't find anywhere else.

~ You are not alone ~

grandma in pain

[imanci]

For what it is worth I can also relate. My childhood spankings, emotional and psychological abuse from my rageaholic father affect me on an almost daily basis, even though I am decades into adulthood and have done a ton of 'work' to try to accept myself and let go of everything.

One thing I was just noticing today, again, is that everytime I evaluate anything I think of it in the worst case scenario - like what is the worst thing that can possibly happen. I take that as the scenario that I should prepare for. I try to think more positively so I can try to make a more positive result in my life, but I can't help always automatically preparing for the worst.

I am pretty sure this is due to the 'upredictable household' where I might be slapped, screamed at, or worse be subjected to another devastating and prolonged bare bottom spanking and be reduced to a nothing with no dignity once again.

Today I registered for this website, only to find that I had already registered years ago.