Back after a long time

[Blue Orchid]

Hi all,
I first found this forum around 2007 or so, when I was first starting to sort through my abuse. It was such a huge, huge help. Eventually the abuse faded into the background for a time (dissociation?)--I came to terms with a lot but still had a lot of questions. I came back around 2015 and I remember very little of that time, and I don't remember why I stopped and it faded again. I know that there have been a lot of times I have had to prioritize stability over doing deeper work.

My depression has been largely under control, but my anxiety has been nuts for about 4 years. Nothing works. No psychological tools, no meds, no coping strategies. I attempted counseling 3 times this past year, but the third one was the charm. They started recognizing the dissociation going on for me in ways no one has before. Even when I've talked about dissociative experiences in therapy, it's just kind of been not noticed or seen. So now that some of those parts feel safe and seen and like I've got someone on my side, they are starting to come out. I woke up super early this morning flooded by a very young part and having...flashbacks? Maybe? Strong feelings of being silenced and held back and not allowed to talk about it.

But I also had a really positive parts experience yesterday. I dreamed I was standing beside a little girl, and we were watching a woman in labor who was in some sort of tank, and the little girl was scared, and I was soothing her and telling her it was all going to be alright, the woman was going to be alright, she has what she needs. It was very comforting to my scared parts.

Here's the really short background. I have some intense religious trauma. A piece of that is that I am queer but that was not okay in my religion. And I've been in a mixed orientation marriage for over 2 decades. I experienced a certain level of sexual abuse from my mom, but still have a lot of smoke that I can't see the fire yet--have flashes of things happening but not sure if it's real. Lots of symptoms but not a lot of certainty about what it's about. Typing this out is kind of discouraging, because here I am back here, and I don't know a lot more than I did 8 years ago. However, I do realize that I have gained a whole lot more solid sense of self since then, as well as tons of practice working on self-compassion, and I think all that puts me in a better situation to maybe make more progress now.

Thank you for listening.
Blue Orchid

[Scars]

Welcome back, Blue Orchid !

your statement:

there have been a lot of times I have had to prioritize stability over doing deeper work.

resonates with me.
I had to stay stable for 44 years to be able to work with kids in recreational and educational settings. Since retirement in 2020 I have learned so much more about me and my inner-family, most of whom are children still.
We are all changing. The world itself is changing, though much slower than it needs to be. But the spirit of intention is still strong here on Isurvive. We intend to support each other on our differing healing journeys.

So, once again, welcome back
scars

[Blue Orchid]

Thank you Scars, that's really affirming.

[Oceantide]

Welcome back, Blue Orchid! Thanks for sharing a bit of your healing journey. I look forward to hearing more. I’m glad you’re getting to know your parts. This is a safe place to do so. Take care, Oceantide

[coconuts]

Welcome back. Glad you feel comfortable and safe coming back here I think many people have taken leave and come back on occasion. Often it's that need ti step away and just stabilize like you mentioned.
I have been thru quite a few Ts before finding this one who recognizes and knows a lot about dissociation and has worked very hard to learn more at times too. This one has helped me connect with my parts and isn't afraid of them. The previous one really helped stabilize me but also we just didn't feel fully safe with him. Point is, when you find a good t it is amazing the work that can be done. And when they value you... its what we all need I think. To be valued.