Hello

[Redisfinallyfree]

Hello,
I am new here and this is my first post. I almost did not go through with registering for this site because of the warnings about offensive speech and the requirement that we post with regard to potential triggering language. I am often very literal, honest, and very blunt in my speech. I have to tell you right up front, that I often lament that giving UNINTENTIONAL OFFENSE is my only super power. And, the whole concept of triggers is new to me. I have a lot to learn. Growing up, my parents did not properly socialize me. Everyone in my whole extended family always felt free to say the most hurtful things to me and to point out my flaws in front of everybody without any regard for my feelings. I was not trained in positive human interaction. Everyone seemed to understand that I was the least important in the whole bunch. Even the pets took precedence over me. They were loved. I was not. I thought that "being nice to me" meant loving me. Very confusing.

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Seeing myself as an abuse survivor has lifted a heavy burden from my shoulders. I stand straighter and feel physically lighter as though an actual physical burden has been removed. My whole body somehow feels quieter if that makes any sense. I think I finally know what being relaxed feels like. I am calm and I can finally breathe. I am ready to let go, move forward, and figure out how to just BE. Thank you for letting me have a place here.

Thanks for “listening” to me.

Redisfinallyfree.

[Oceantide]

Hello, Redisfinallyfree

I'm sorry for the reasons but glad you found isurvive. Thank you for sharing. I really relate to your fear of unintentionally offending others by being blunt.

I look forward to reading more of your posts - welcome!

[Rosahope]

Hello Redisfinallyfree and Welcome!
Good that you shared your story!

[Progress]

Welcome Redisfinallyfree!
You’ve found the right place. I appreciate your story and a lot of it resonates. Maybe you were the family scapegoat? The black sheep. The one that every family member unites together in blaming for everything, and they dump all the “sins” of the family into one place- you. That’s so horrible. Cruel.

I’m glad you got away from that. Congrats on how far you’ve come in your healing! I think you’ve “found your people” here.

Umm, sometimes I use swear words. I’ve tried to temper it. But there are times that it feels like it’s absolutely the right way to express myself. I also have a bit of the “tell it like it is” streak in me. So I tag those posts as ST (Strong Trigger) which is the red button. I’ve seen it referred to as the traffic light- red, yellow and green lights - for Strong Trigger (red), May Trigger (yellow), and No Trigger (green). I really really like that system! I’ve read ST posts, and yes, been unintentionally triggered. I’ve learned that I have to be in the right state of mind to read ST posts.

Posting strong feelings feels like a dance to me- I want to express my anger and indignation sometimes, but I don’t want to trigger anybody. I hate that ca is hidden and disguised and nobody wants to believe it could actually happen. And I want soooo bad to shine a light on it! And yet, I have to remember that the folks here know. Oh man, they KNOW. Firsthand. What trauma is. What abuse is. They’ve lived it, so many have lived it harder than I have (not that it’s a contest! Abuse is abuse is abuse!) And I too, don’t want to unintentionally trigger anyone.

I totally understand that words that sound really angry, or in all caps for yelling, and that include swearing, can remind people of horrible things done and said to them. So when my inner “ball of fire” is posting, I really try to double check.

Anyway, I am in a continual state of live and learn. I make mistakes, but I keep on carrying on. I’m really looking forward to your future posts! And welcome!

Progress

[Jonesy]

Hi Redisfinallyfree

A very warm welcome to isurvive - glad to have you here.

I almost did not go through with registering for this site because of the warnings about offensive speech and the requirement that we post with regard to potential triggering language.

I know it may seem a lot, but we have spent a great deal of time on our guidelines trying to make our site a safe place for everyone. Don’t worry, you will soon get the hang of things and we are here to help

[FireAshes]

Hello Redisfinallyfree,

Thank you for sharing your story, and can I just say - what an amazing thing you have done for yourself! Being able to let that weight slide off of your shoulders is such an amazing undertaking.

Secondly, I too had a moment when I realized what I had undergone was abuse, and also that it impacted my emotions and behaviors WAY MORE than I ever expected. Perhaps you dissociated from the terms "abuse" for so long because you wanted to believe that your family was doing what a family should be doing - loving you, supporting you, and most of all - treating you like a human being?? I don't want to put words in your mouth, though. We all go through different journeys. When they say that "love is blind", I find that this saying is particularly true for family. I also wanted to believe that my family was holding my best interests, but it turns out, they were selfishly taking more from me than I thought.

I am so happy that you were able to break that chain, and that you have found peace and your strength to live your best life without their approval. You deserve so much more! And I hope that this site and your new-found freedom allow you to see that!

No offense here - we are all learning to navigate through this together. Thanks for showing up! And thanks for being brave enough to give it a try.

Here for support whenever you need it! <3

[quixote]

Redisfinallyfree,
I think a lot of us remember when we first realized that we were abused as children. It certainly helps to explains a lot of things.

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you all who replied to my first post with such welcome, warmth, and kind words. I was NOT ready for that. I had prepared myself to not be believed again or to be dismissed or rejected like I’ve gotten used to over my life. I was prepared for anything but acceptance. Your kind welcome and encouragement to tell more of my story made me very emotional in the best way. I was a bit overwhelmed with it and was unable to form a coherent reply when I tried to the first two times I came back. You made me want to tell my whole story from beginning to end but I needed a couple of days to get my thoughts and emotions under control. So, this is my third time back and third attempt at a reply. Here goes….

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Redisfinallyfree

[Serenity]

Hi and welcome, Redisafinallyfree. I'm so glad that you are here, sharing your story. Thank you for trusting us with it. Just a friendly reminder that this forum is open for public viewing. If you are comfortable with keeping your posts here that is absolutely fine, but if you'd like I can move the more personal parts of your story into a new thread in a private area of the forums - perhaps Our Stories? (https://www.isurvive.org/forum/viewforum.php?f=15). But again, if you'd like to leave them here it's completely up to you. It's your story and you get to decide how/where to share it. Just let me know. I hope that you've found posting here helpful. You are among people who will hear, believe, and relate to you.

With care,
Serenity

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank-you Serenity. I didn’t realize it was open to public viewing. While I sometimes want the whole world to know, I am not quite ready to go completely public. A private area would be better. If you’ll move what you think best to move from my Open Forum posts to Our Stories, I’ll post future posts there. Again, thanks. Redisfinallyfree.