Why so quiet?

[orangeflower]

I'm also glad you put that question out there. I have questioned myself a few times...

You did not come across badly.

(sigh, as for.........) (why am I so quiet? I ask myself that....)

[WonderSun]

I want to be more active, some times I read the posts and I am not in a position to reply. Other times I want to reply but I feel unable to express my thoughts.

Thank you for your reply, I truly appreciate you taking the time when you’re going through a shitty time yourself. I honestly didn’t have any expectation on anyone to reply, I guess I just felt alone in that moment too. It’s seems that when I come here, there doesn’t appear to be many members online (at least not when I am). I’m so emotional lately, and feeling quite vulnerable and exposed.

I’m sorry to read you’re having such a tough time too.

you never know when you are openly expressing something that others might be feeling too, and just knowing that they aren't alone in what they are feeling might just be enough to see them through that day.

Thanks for your reply, really appreciate you taking the time. I hear what you’re saying. Not sure what anyone can take from my posts really. I’m really not sure and don’t feel in such a great place right now.

I still haven’t decided about one particular post, because it’s about my experiences, in part at least and it’s really leaving me feeling ‘out there’. Feeling a bit like I’ve broadcasted my stuff out there to the world. While I know that’s not the reality, I can’t help but feel exposed! Does that make any sense at all?

You didn’t come across badly! Totally not! It’s a question I bet lots of us are curious about sometimes. Glad you put it out there!

Thanks, Progress. Means a lot you’ve replied, and for what you said about how I’ve come across. I always think I’m coming across in such a bad light, like I’m somehow being super rude to people, even when that’s not what I mean and not what I’m trying to do. I still believe that it must come across bad. But then at the same time, I know I have little self-worth. Just a work in progress I guess (a heck of a messy ball of ‘stuff’). Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive, I dunno

I'm also glad you put that question out there. I have questioned myself a few times...

You did not come across badly.

Thank you, orangeflower. I appreciate you taking the time to reply too. I wish I wasn’t so highly critical (of myself!). I wish I could just feel ok by having posted the things I have.

You don’t need to explain why you’re so quiet, as is your right to be! It’s such a lonely ’journey’, isn’t it? Maybe as I start to share more, things will feel easier somehow. I dunno

Thanks to each of you that replied, and to those that read this but felt unable to reply, or couldn’t find the words, or even just didn’t want to reply, that’s ok too! Sending lots of hugs to you all x

[FireAshes]

Thanks for your reply, really appreciate you taking the time. I hear what you’re saying. Not sure what anyone can take from my posts really. I’m really not sure and don’t feel in such a great place right now.

I still haven’t decided about one particular post, because it’s about my experiences, in part at least and it’s really leaving me feeling ‘out there’. Feeling a bit like I’ve broadcasted my stuff out there to the world. While I know that’s not the reality, I can’t help but feel exposed! Does that make any sense at all?

Absolutely, it makes perfect sense! I know how you feel. When I first told people, I felt so vulnerable and I had the worst anxiety. I have yet to discuss any of the specific details of my experience, mostly because I am not ready to share and remember those details. This is such a hard process and it takes a lot of courage and bravery just to show up here. Please don't feel obligated to share anything you feel uncomfortable with sharing. But, I want you to know that regardless of your experiences, I am here to support you and talk with you.

[Progress]

Hey WonderSun,

Yeah, in my experience, the first post is the hardest! Followed in a close second by writing about your trauma.

In a tie for second place was my post about admitting I switch. Ouch, that one hurt. And that post was after I felt more comfortable in isurvive.

It’s all so scary and unnerving and exposing. I’m always afraid my words will come across wrong. Or that I’ll say something stupid or offensive, or I’ll break the online rules and/or etiquette. Or I’ll trigger somebody. Or that people won’t like me. Or someone will find out who I am irl. Or I know I should respond to something, and then I can’t find it again, and I’m a jerk for not searching harder. Or they won’t like what I say. Or I say too much and not enough at the same time…

One of the most bizarre feelings I think I get is that I’m afraid when I explain my trauma symptoms, that my symptoms are “wrong” and that not only do I do everything else in my life wrong, but I even do trauma wrong. Like I can’t even be a victim or a survivor right.

Like, whaaaaat?!? That looks so crazy when I write it, but yeah, I’m often afraid that my traumatized brain didn’t even do trauma right. Like, even in regards to my trauma symptoms, I’m faulty and stupid with a defective brain. That’s pretty messed up. But the insecurities run deep.

At some point I just decided, to heck with it. Yes, I might make a mistake, but I’m going for it anyway. Courage! The positives of online community and camaraderie (omg, is that really how you spell that? It doesn’t look right!!! Haha) anyway, that outweighs the negatives by far! It’s worth the discomfort! The pros outweigh the cons.

So yeah, you have to feel comfortable or literally able to post about stuff. And everyone has to trust their own gut about what they feel able to do. (Sometimes I just can’t.)

But I will stand here in grand support of your valiant post and your effort to share! It’s a huge step! Well done!

Anyway, BRAVA!!!

Progress

[RiseandThrive]

Hi WonderSun, how are you today? I hope you are having a good day. I don't feel brave enough to open up yet, although I feel the need to say say everything I have in my mind. I feel that I will explode if I don't share my experiences, fears, thoughts soon. I don't judge anyone and I don't think anyone is here to judge us. On the contrary, when I read other member's post I find many similarities with what I feel and it makes me feel secure. I am not alone. I am normal, because we are normal. For example, I dissociate sometimes. I think I am doing much better now. My memory is getting improving, but I still disconnect. I am often perceived as ditsy and I always thought I was. After reading posts from other members I realised that it happens to others too and I am not ditsy or absentminded. Sometimes it's just hard to stay in the moment.

[orangeflower]

Hi WonderSun,
I think it takes a lot of courage just to show up here....(everyone's healing process is different, I wish some of them out there (like a ''bad'' T )could realise that). I don't judge anyone (unlike him.) I hope you're ok today... Sending hugs ((((WonderSun))))

[WonderSun]

This is such a hard process and it takes a lot of courage and bravery just to show up here. Please don't feel obligated to share anything you feel uncomfortable with sharing. But, I want you to know that regardless of your experiences, I am here to support you and talk with you.

Thank you, that means a lot. Think I’m just in a funk right now. Finding concentrating on anything so difficult, pushing myself to keep going. It’s so tough right now. Lots going on. Have an ED assessment this morning, really, really not looking forward to it. I don’t feel brave or courageous, just how it is, yanno? Wishing things would ease soon

It’s all so scary and unnerving and exposing. I’m always afraid my words will come across wrong. Or that I’ll say something stupid or offensive, or I’ll break the online rules and/or etiquette. Or I’ll trigger somebody. Or that people won’t like me. Or someone will find out who I am irl. Or I know I should respond to something, and then I can’t find it again, and I’m a jerk for not searching harder. Or they won’t like what I say. Or I say too much and not enough at the same time…
…
But I will stand here in grand support of your valiant post and your effort to share!

Thanks, Progress. I hear all that you’ve said. It is most definitely exposing, I find that above all else due to having been watched while things were happen, or just watched when in a vulnerable place/position. So exposing feels most prominent for me. Of all that you said about being too much, not enough, triggering etc. I agree with those thoughts too. Yet it often feels like some people don’t have those thoughts and just don’t care whether what they say hurts another etc.

Thanks for the ‘grand support’, honestly means so much. (if ok)

I don't feel brave enough to open up yet, although I feel the need to say everything I have in my mind. I feel that I will explode if I don't share my experiences, fears, thoughts soon
….
I am not alone. I am normal, because we are normal. For example, I dissociate sometimes.

Hi, thanks for your reply too. I hear what you’re saying about needing to say everything in your head. I have that need too, if only it was that simple!! Fear drives much of what I do or do not post. It’s not as simple as just letting it out, I’ve had bad reactions in the past, which play on my mind. I dissociate too, way more than I realise. My recall is so much harder because of it. But I know it’s what kept me safe.

Abuse flipping sucks!!

I think it takes a lot of courage just to show up here... (everyone's healing process is different)

Thank you, orangeflower, means a lot. I don’t feel any kind of courage when posting, almost like this feeling as though I just have to say whatever is in my head, yanno? Sometimes I need to share details, but that’s often incredibly painful to do. Some memories are so, so vivid whereas others can be so vague and missing lots of details. It’s so confusing. Just wish this stuff didn’t exist!!!!!!!

[Shivty]

I'm just having a hard time finding the words to say. I read something and I'm overwhelmed by emotion and then I don't say anything. I think I'll come back, but I don't.

I've been putting out so.e heavy stuff too and it is hard, you're right, when no feedback comes. I hope you don't take it too personal I think it's part of this being a safe place, we can put something out there and know, even if nothing is said, we were heard and we are safe. Or at least I have been and am.

Thanks for sharing!

[quixote]

WonderSun,
What a good thread. And a lot of support, too.

[Jonesy]

Hi WonderSun (and everyone else)

I would just like to acknowledge that yes, we go through spells of quiet. But that’s how it rolls.
Please consider that if your words just reach ONE person? Then your work is worthwhile