Life mightily falling apart

[heavenlydove]

Hi all,

I just cannot believe how my life is mightily falling apart. It was falling apart already in some ways several years ago, by now it is on a terrible slide and I don't know how to solve it. I feel I will lose all people around me when my I am through with this. I was very severely abused physically and mentally/emotionally mainly by my dad (emotionally by my mum) from a baby, all my life till now. I looked after both my parents for years - 5 years ago my dad passed away and recently my mum passed. I was literally lashed/tortured for years and not allowed to make a sound (received absolutely thousands of lashes on my body - supposedly for my own good). This as well as their daily screaming left me very withdrawn from people in general, unable to hold down a job or any relationship. I looked after my parents for years in their old age. For 5 years, I had to care for both my disabled parents at the same time. While it was exhausting, I was able to form some friendships (mainly around church/locality), as I was too busy caring for my parents to be my usual sensitive and pondering, self-critical self. For the first time I felt like an extrovert and quite sociable (but really it was just me not having time to focus on me in any way and my neuroses). But now my parents have died, it is as though my whole personality is disintegrating - I am terribly burnt out and dissociated. I always went around with a smiley face, kind demeanor, helpful and generous to a fault - I was a real people pleaser -(which no doubt was the mask I wore but one I really believed was me at the core). And now all I feel is an alien dissociated mess - I have a non-functional brain from very bad burnout (stage 5 burnout), as well as terrible excruciating emotional sensations ( flashbacks?) on so many occasions that make me want to jump out of the window because of their intensity. I have different bubbling emotions coming out in strange ways every few minutes/hours, that make me feel like I do not have a clue who I am anymore. I am a complete mess. I am not able to sleep - all sleeping medication tried on me has not worked. I just don't know what to do.

On Sunday I told 3 people in church what happened to me in my past. One of the people was a lady who (with her husband) helped my dad and mum for years. I felt so awful telling her my situation as I felt she and her husband might get upset with me for lying to them all these years about the state of my parents' marriage. She said she knew something was up but couldn't tell what it was and was waiting for me to tell them when I felt I could. The other 2 people suffered some sort of abuse in the past which I already knew: 1 bad emotional abuse and the other emotional, sexual and physical abuse. You would think that me telling them would be a good thing, but it seems to have open the floodgates for my symptoms to worsen. I do not want to slip down even further into oblivion. I do not even know who I am anymore and if they see me acting weird and not "myself" I fear I will even lose the support of these people. I feel like I have been an impostor for years, trying my best to be sociable and happy and to "fit in" when I never truly did. And now I am in this mess, except that now people can finally "see the mess" I am in. I even told this therapist friend of mine about my parents which I never intended to do as she was another person who helped my parents a lot and was friendly with them. Even now, I do not think these people have any clue of the degree of pretense I was doing to look OK and how absolutely terrible I am within me. I am not the person they knew all these years. Now I feel so absolutely floored, I do not know what to do. I feel like they are going to lose all respect for me and I will end up all on my own again as I once was. And this is only me talking about my "emotional life" let alone my financial/situational one which is imploding too as I am not coping.

[Scars]

dear [[[(((heavenlydove)))]]]
yes, you are in a mess
i feel your isolation and identity confusion
been there

find a therapist trained in the treatment of trauma
learn how to take gentle care of yourself
you deserve that
and know that this community will listen and care about you

scars

[heavenlydove]

Hi Scars,

Thanks for replying and being so kind. Yes I am a mess and don't know how to manage things at present. I just had my local psychotherapy department call me and offer me an interview for psychotherapy - so really hoping I get to work with a therapist - after 2 years of waiting for this! I am so unwell but was refused counselling because of my extreme and painful flashbacks and bad dissociative symptoms. I really hope I can get some help as I am in a very bad state and do not know how to cope anymore.

[quixote]

Heavenlydove,
You have been through so much pain, but you're getting help soon. Post here if you can.

[Progress]

heavenlydove,
Reading along and caring so much about what you are going through. It sounds soooo hard and awful.

Keep posting if you can! I want to know.

Progress

[greendreamdays]

Hi heavenlydove,

I have had experiences in my life of feeling like everything was falling apart when I lost the energy to maintain that "perfect" facade. What you did was for your own survival. You were not maliciously trying to fool people. It takes a truly immense amount of energy to mask such severe abuse for so many years. And now that the mask is falling away you have a torrent of painful emotions rushing up to the surface to be felt. Please be gentle with yourself during this time. One thing I know for sure is that I would never lose respect for anyone who disclosed severe abuse to me. It takes such an immense amount of courage to disclose that kind of information and it is truly a privilege to be trusted with the stories of a survivor.

[heavenlydove]

Thanks so much for all your support. I am really going through a grim period of my life. I feel like such a mess on multiple fronts. I feel like I have present brain damage from the burnout - and it is definitely stage 5 burnout as it is 5 months since my mum passed and no change in my brain whatsoever. If anything I seem to be getting worse - the brain is completely overwhelmed with all I have to do regarding inheritance (a very complex thing to deal with). I do not know how to seek help from people around me as I feel so undeserving of love and help - because of burnout as well as dissociation and now ptsd. Because of the burnout, I feel like completely stupid and a thicko - people used to respect me and my opinions and now I am worried they will see I am completely incapable of doing anything, like someone who has acute brain damage. I really do not know if I will get through this. I have been in terrible situations before but this is complete overwhelm of my system. I feel like my whole person is shutting down. I can barely pay my bills as I am in such a bad state. I am so worried therapy will make me feel even worse as the counselling I had recently was so much harder than I imagined.

[quixote]

Heavenlydove,
You are taking care of everything, now, but eventually everything will be taken care of, and then you can relax.

[Progress]

Hi heavenlydove,

How are things going? Is the burnout still the same? I hope the burnout is changing for the better, improving somewhat. I’m sure it takes time. You’ve been through A LOT.

Those overwhelming tasks are just awful. I’m sorry you have to try to do all that stuff with a foggy brain. I hate how hard it is to do those kinds of tasks when I’m dissociative and brain-foggy. It’s so hard to concentrate. It’s horrible. Your brain really doesn’t want to do it, doesn’t want to face something painful, I would imagine. That’s what it’s like for me, anyway. So I hope that gets easier for you.

I hope you keep us posted. I care!!!

Progress

[FireAshes]

Hi heavenlydove,

I am so sorry for what you have endured all of these years.

You are, first and foremost, stronger than you think.

Be kind to yourself. You are healing and letting go of some very traumatic stuff, so it will take time.

As for others, it's hard to control what other people will think or say of you. Most of them will unlikely think badly of you, but will just not know how to deal with the situation. Find people who support you the most. Find people who will show up for you even when things are tough. This may take some time too. I am also trying to build my "new" family and network. It is very challenging at times, but I have found that the people here on this site are always there - no matter how you're feeling. So, in the meantime, use us as your support.

Here for you! <3