Disappointment, Hurt, & Deception

[gods_child]

This may end up going all over the place. I apologize in advance, but I think it's time to get this off my chest.

I often find it hard to trust, share, and generally open up because of how the last 6 months or so have gone. I've experienced disappointment, hurt, and outright deception in my private life. People I thought I knew, who I thought had my back, and were safe to confide in. One by one, a few people put me in situations where it was made clear that my trust was misplaced.

Not every situation was intentional on their end, but the results are still the same. My words were not truly private because my business was disclosed to others. My identity was compromised when a 3rd party decided criminal mischief was the name of the game to destroy a strong friendship. It even turns another person flat out lied about who they were and this was after they knew a lot of private things about me/my past. That last one has yet to be acknowledged to this day. I don't know where the deception that lies there begins or even ends.

Now? Pouring my deepest thoughts and feelings out to people, even my virtual & anonymous friends, feels risky and unsafe. I have always been concerned and vigilant about my privacy (I have my reasons). I want to freely share. I want to unburden myself. I want support. I seek clarity in all my confusion. But how? I'm trying to get past all of this. I'm hurt, I'm saddened, and I'm skeptical. I am not okay with being like this. I have so much to let go of, but I'm not sure I can convince myself it's safe to do it now.

Thanks for listening.

- gc

[quixote]

gods_child,
Sorry this has happened to you.
quixote

[Watercolor]

FWIW, after all those breaches of trust--very recently--I think struggling with trust is entirely normal and that it would need to rebuild over time. So sorry for all the heartache that's come your way through people of late. I hope you can be okay with where you are at the moment, be very gentle with you, and let trust grow again. Whether you need a pause, whether it's slow, or whether you find out you can take leaps forward.

[Scars]

Dear Gods_child,
i love your name and all that it implies. i feel a connection to you already.
so sorry your trust was violated, it can be devastating, i know.
hopefully you have at least one trustworthy friend to help you mourn your great losses.
if not, let us help you do that.
praying for you,
Scars

[Watercolor]

Have never mentioned, but I too like your screen name very much.

[gods_child]

quixote, Watercolor, and Scars,

Thank you for your support. Yes, it does feel like breaches of trust, heartbreak, and loss. I've gone from avoiding speaking out here to seemingly jumping into the deep end of multiple pools. I am terrified honestly. I keep thinking, "gc, what are you doing? This isn't safe? Stop it!". I'm taking some very deep breaths in attempts to calm myself. I hope I keep going, sort of! Oh my nerves!!!

Thanks for noticing my name. I always hope it doesn't come give people the wrong impression here. I've posted about my username before. You can find it here at the bottom of page 2: viewtopic.php?f=72&t=10554&start=10#top
Kind words, warm thoughts, positive vibes, and yes...prayers, are definitely appreciated. I welcome them all! Thanks for even considering to do that for me. It means a lot.

Overall I'm trying not to let my experience in one area cross over to other areas in my life. I know I need help and support. It's so hard to open doors to vulnerability especially in this area when I've been burned deeply in others. More deep breaths for me. I'm trying. Funny how, with all the things I've been through, this is what scares me. Oh life!

Best wishes!

-gc

[Progress]

Hi gods_child,
I’ve been reading along with all your recent posts.
You’ve been so supportive of others! I love reading your kind and gentle responses to people.

I appreciate your posts also, where you are honest and vulnerable about so many different things. You have all my support! When it comes to trust, the struggle is real! I’m so sorry you had your trust betrayed. Even the thought of trusting people can be triggering for me at times.

You really seem to be working so hard with all the issues that come up for you. Do what you can, when you want to, when you feel up to it. It reminds me of watercolor’s imagery of just touching the mountain, just a little bit, then pull your hand away. You don’t have to climb the whole mountain all at once. Everything you do to work on sorting through the confusion is worthwhile! (It’s all progress, if you will.) Great job! Keep it up! (If you want.) I don’t want to sound demeaning or anything, as in, who do I think I am to make any sort of a judgement, but I’m just so proud of you! I think you are doing amazing work, touching the mountain, dipping your toe into the freezing cold pond, questioning things that don’t quite sit right, etc.

Keep up the great job!! I feel like Im no expert and idk what the heck I’m doing as far as recovery and healing go, but Im so proud of you. You are working really really hard!!

Take gentle care of you, and if you want to, I hope you keep posting.
Progress

[gods_child]

Progress,

Thank you for your kind words. I don't find them to be demeaning at all. I just feel that I am undeserving of them. In other news: I just I jumped into the icy waters, jumped out, and ran away. I wish I felt safer posting. I think I have a lot just waiting to come out. So many things don't make sense right mow. Even scarier is the fact that some do make sense, in theory, but that can't be me...

-gc

[Watercolor]

I somehow missed seeing, till now, that you shared the link where you talked about your screen name. I enjoyed learning more about you and your journey there. It does me good to know you're here as I relate on a number of levels. Am trying to rebuild in that spiritual area but it's slow.

I'm sorry to hear that it doesn't feel safe, posting yet. I hope in time that it will. I wish there was something we could do to ease things for you. I say that because forums have been a massive help in my journey for a number of years and being/feeling heard has meant the world to me. Especially validation from other survivors has many times helped me recover from triggers or helped rub my fur back the right way (like a cat) and soothed me in times of turmoil. Going it alone is extra hard and the camaraderie I think has also added strength to me.

If I understand correctly that you may be wrestling with some denial, I would add that I think or at least suspect that most all of us have been there, wearing those shoes. *sigh* I think it's part and parcel of recovery and healing, working to face ourselves, our realities, our histories and coping with the difficult feelings that come up.

Anyhow, I'm glad you're here and hope things get easier.

[gods_child]

Watercolor,

Thank you for what you've said. I am working on allowing myself to be supported even when I feel far from deserving it. It is absolutely helpful to see/feel that I am not alone in the ways that I feel. Something about all my worried and unsafe feelings about posting have also brought up feelings of being viewed as an attention seeker. I promise I am not. I would rather be known for way more livelier and potentially helpful things. I have recently worked my way up to making a few posts again. Hopefully I'll be able to keep at it and be here to support other people as well. I feel really bad that I've been so quiet lately, but it's still a real struggle for me. As for the other stuff, I'm working on it as well. Step by step. Hopefully I'll get "there" soon. Thank you for all of your kindness and your continued support.

- gc