The only way is through it

[Progress]

I've been fighting off the triggers so I could get through Christmas like a normal appearing person. For the sake of my kids. But the triggers just get stronger until you finally deal with it I guess.

Holidays are tough. They're just hard.

We don't love you. No one will ever love you. We will make sure of that.

You have to go through it. I can't remember who says it, oh! Watercolor! Wise watercolor. You have to go through it. I remember those words as I'm losing contact with the present. You have to go through it.

I fought through it. That little dance of touching on the pain, then getting lost in a fog, can't find it again. The pain is so powerful, but so vague. And then getting near it again, touching on it again, and after a day and a half of this dance, I finally found it.

We don't love you. No one will ever love you. We will make sure of that.

We never loved you.

I'm still only part way present. Which is good because I need to tell this sad part that I am loved, I am lovable, and people love me. My dog loves me.

There is some confusion about how could this be true. I must be making it up. Lying. But I know that doubt is part of the trauma package. My self, adult me, knows she said it. It's true. It's real. My mom is a monster. Conniving, sinister, cruel. It's hard to wrap my head around it. I'm making guesses as to why she would say that. How did it fit into the master plan? Why mold your child into a shell of a person who believes they have never been loved and will never ever be loved, as long as they live. Not loved by their own parents. She never loved me. Neither did he. What a terrible excuse for a mother. And father. Why would she do that.

Omg. How to break a kid in 4 easy words. We don't love you. Did she say it on Christmas? Idk. I don't believe in coincidences. But holidays are so complex. Any little holiday thing might have been a trigger to this.

Sitting with it for now. It'll get better, I know. Better off for having remembered it. Maybe this is where my MDD comes from. Maybe I can work through some of the depression. Go through it.

Gotta go and idk. Thanks for being here isurvive.
Progress

PS She came out. She's just an outline, filled in white, flat, like two dimensional. And I love her. She thinks she's empty. But she's smart and cool and very lovable. And she does have things on the inside like a heart and soul. More than just a flat shell.

[Oceantide]

Progress, I'm listening and relating somehow. You are not alone. Caring and sending warm thoughts of comfort, love, and support. Oceantide

[Progress]

Thanks Oceantide. I appreciate it your kind words.
I know I’m never alone in my struggles. It helps me to know that people here understand. And believe.

Progress

[Watercolor]

Ohhhhh Progress. Such anguish and primal pain. I hate this very much for you! And why it had to re-ignite now, this weekend when it would be so nice to have some joys instead of triggers, emotional storms, inner trials and turmoil. Ouch isn't a strong enough word; it sound like excruciatingly painful material.

I spent years trying to circumnavigate the pain, fighting it, pushing it down, sweeping it under to the degree possible. The starkness and sharpness is so hideous. I wish we could banish it, make those efforts work.

I also completely get it about the dance you describe. The vagueness. The feeling like you're dying of the pain but yet can't reach it. Can feel like it's coming from a pipeline far away inside. Yet feel so miserable.

My first t used to suggest I try to titrate it. To back up when necessary, then come up to the edge of the mountain and try to touch the pain for just a moment, if that's all I could stand.

I don't know what works. Sometimes I wrestle around a while then stumble into it finally and gush tears and get some blessed relief. Talking out loud by myself can often help take me to it.

I'm rambling but wanted to try to be with you on your thread to the degree possible. And yeah, I've heard/read it so many times: how the only way out is the way through. *sigh*

[Progress]

The only way out is through it. That’s the phrase I’m thinking of.

Oceantide, Watercolor, I feel such a sense of relief/comfort/support when I read your replies. And believe me, I’ve read and re-read 50 times already. The tears just fall down my face. No major sobbing crying. Just tears overflowing because of that relief. I feel the friendship, the caring, the understanding. And I know that everyone on isurvive “gets it”. Our traumas are all different, different details. Turns out, there are so many cruel ways to harm a child. It’s sickening. But what a difference it makes to feel cameraderie. Omg, how do you spell that. Ok, friendship it is! Because I cannot spell cameraderie.

Watercolor, thank you for validating my experience with such eloquent descriptions of your experiences. I connect with all of it. “Primal pain” - yes. “Titrate it” - yes! I will! “Wish we could banish it. Make those efforts work” - yes! If only!! “Come up to the edge of the mountain” - omg, I’ve had mountain imagery in my head for so long. The sides of the mountain. It’s all about progress, even if you break your ankle, but still manage to crawl and climb just a little bit further up the mountain. To me it means I’ve conquered even the tiniest fraction of the pain. Hence my username Progress.

My momster was trying to destroy my sense of ME. She was forming me into a blob of meat to be used and abused without any pushback. To be a shell, with no real self-identity. Pliable and accommodating and reactive to all the monsters’ needs. What a BLEEP. She is rotten. Rotten. Rotten. Rotten.

Ive always had imagery of a sparkle deep inside of everyone. Idk if my momster or my Frankenfather will each ever dig out their sparkles. Not my problem. But I am going to unearth mine!

Flat, white, hard little Progress looks like a cardboard cutout. Momster thought she could destroy the essential ME and leave me flat and two- dimensional. With no thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, needs, wants, inner gifts. But Flat Progress has a sparkle in there and I plan to put in the time to try to let it out.

Screw you, Mom.

I digress. Thank you so much Oceantide and watercolor. It’s so easy to get “stuck”, but you’ve helped me THROUGH IT. It’s the only way out, right?

Wishing you both peace and comfort.

With gratitude,
Progress

[Oceantide]

The only way out is through it. That’s the phrase I’m thinking of....It’s all about progress, even if you break your ankle, but still manage to crawl and climb just a little bit further up the mountain. To me it means I’ve conquered even the tiniest fraction of the pain. Hence my username Progress. My momster was trying to destroy my sense of ME. Idk if my momster or my Frankenfather will each ever dig out their sparkles. Not my problem. But I am going to unearth mine! Flat, white, hard little Progress looks like a cardboard cutout. Momster thought she could destroy the essential ME and leave me flat and two- dimensional. With no thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, needs, wants, inner gifts. But Flat Progress has a sparkle in there and I plan to put in the time to try to let it out.

There is almost too much to quote, Progress! A post brimming full of sparkles! I resonate with so much of what you say. Climbing just a little bit further up the mountain ... Momster ... Frankenfather ... (how have I not thought of these names earlier???) Love it!

And no, you do not digress. Screw you, m-f*g Momsters of the world!

My Al Anon sponsor used to say, "you gotta feel to heal" and "the only way out is through" and though I resisted her wise words I ultimately trusted her. Sparkles.

You're multi-faceted, Progress. So far from the cardboard cutout MD had in mind... You rock, you sparkle.

[Watercolor]

"Sparkle" is a wondrous word and concept. So beautiful in the mind's eye, too!

I'm so thankful that for despite all her evil efforts, your mother did not own you, failed to seize any permanent control, could not extinguish your sparkle. The authentic you was well and far away, out of her reach. In no way would I invalidate deep and wide damage she carried out. I don't know how our psyche does it, but it seems to me no matter how much of us gets torn, a sizeable remnant gets securely kept so after allllll the howling winds and tempestuous waves finally settle, that realest portion forges on, ever-so-hungry for healing of the many places, layers, and parts of us. Mercy, what work!

Not flat, not hard little Progress. But multi-faceted, unique, individual Progress who was not absorbed by them. We believe even the fiercest within are tender but only had to defend so hard in earlier times so the inner softness could survive and emerge later. The un-armoring isn't easy. Heck, almost none of the journey is. But worth it? For sure.

Cheers to all your sparkling and shine, Progress. I love that you'll keep discovering more and more.

[Progress]

Omg you guys, crying over here……reading, re-reading and crying with a big fat smile on my face that I cover up with my hand for some reason!

Little flat hard Progress is a defender and a protector. Not a victim. Although yes, she was psychologically attacked. She is a warrior who withstood the attack and protected the sparkle with all her might. What a transformation. I almost thought of it as a disfigurement after a brutal attack. But it’s not disfigurement. It’s a transformation. For ultimate protection. No face, no body, no me. But wait! Yes there is a Me! Protected on the inside!

So interesting that her outline shows that she clearly has straight hair, very unlike my curly chaotic mop. It’s like a disguise. She is built for primal self-defense. Whatever material she is made out of is harder than plastic, but not a metal. Just her own stuff. We will work on softening it. Because it’s safe to do that in the here and now.

Thank you so much for helping me embrace Flat Progress and seeing her as the amazing creative Little Me that she is. Next week I’ll tell my t- you don’t have to ask what purpose I think she might serve! I already figured it out! Um, you know, when my online pals explained it to me.

Beyond grateful for your support,
Progress

[Watercolor]

Caring about you and wishing you so much healing and relief, Progress.

I'm short on words today but am thinking about you. So glad that you and yours are finding your way...

[Progress]

HA. I went to therapy this week, and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the big “event” that I vaguely remembered was disturbing. I was like, yeah, Christmas evening I kind of remember that I couldn’t drive to a party because I was dissociating. But why was I dissociating? I had no flippin idea.

Finally with 15 minutes to go, I was like, Oh wait! I have a new part!! She’s flat! And I struggled to remember the details about Little Flat Progress and why she came into existence. It just took a long time to pull it all back up. It was the whole “We don’t love you. No one will ever love you” stuff. And I was trying so hard to remember, but I could only grab hold of it piece by small piece. Finally I remembered all of it. Journaling it out on this forum probably helped some.

Man, the brain is a funny little thing. Memory is also quite a puzzle. 10 days of regular ole life happened, and that enormously significant and powerful memory just slipped away. I know my parts are protecting me so I can function day-to-day. I wasn’t expecting that amount of protection!

Ah well. It’s all okay. It’s just part of the mental dance that I will live with for probably the rest of my life. I can accept that a bit more now. It’s a part of who I am. It’s the way my brain is. It is something I absolutely will always need to make time for.

But I will create new pathways, new neuron connections in my brain to get myself more connected. I believe it’s possible with lots of communication in my communication room and lots of hard work. That’s what I want.

Hmmmmmm. Once again, thanks for letting me diary this all out. It really helps me

Progress