I awoke in the night and thought... oh shit... I shouldn't have asked that question.
Sending anonymous hugs and hoping all are well
On the Chessboard 2021
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei
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Jonesy
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- Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm
Re: On the Chessboard 2021
Hi again
I awoke in the night and thought... oh shit... I shouldn't have asked that question.
Sending anonymous hugs and hoping all are well
I awoke in the night and thought... oh shit... I shouldn't have asked that question.
Sending anonymous hugs and hoping all are well
You are important
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
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Chessgirl
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- Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm
Re: On the Chessboard 2021
Jonesy I didn’t think you meant to ask the question. I wish I could give it away, but just know it is a very cute classic name. I think you would like it! Hugs!Chessgirl♟
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Jonesy
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Re: On the Chessboard 2021
Hi Chessgirl
Thanks for your forgiveness... hope all are well, you deserve some good times
Thanks for your forgiveness... hope all are well, you deserve some good times
You are important
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
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Chessgirl
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- Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm
Re: On the Chessboard 2021
I have to let this out somewhere. My mil is the most triggering person is my life. I can’t cut her out and I have to cope somehow. My husband doesn’t like me talking negatively about his mom so I thought I’d come here and let it out. These are the things that really bother me about her.
1. She lies and tells fibs all the time. She thinks it’s for the persons own good.
2. She is a master manipulator
3. She constantly compares me to my husbands sister (the golden child of their family) or her stepdaughter . Telling me “oh this is what SHE does” “you should try doing it this way, this is what SHE does”
4. She compliments me on dumb minuscule things but ignores the big things that I’d like to be complimented on or credited for
5. She is addicted to shopping and buys us things all that time even when we tell her we don’t need anything and then she holds it over our head how much she spends on us
6. She does things or buys things for our daughter without asking, like getting her an iPad without asking or giving her candy without asking
7. She frequently stares at me with this offensive blank look whenever I tell her about something that has to do with my life like “I’m going to put up bamboo shades in here” and instead of saying “oh that sounds pretty” or “oh I don’t like that idea personally “ she will literally just stare with a disapproving face but give no response. It’s the most strange and manipulative thing to do.
8. Believes doctors are literally never wrong and cannot make mistakes. Whenever I expressed how much I didn’t like my obstetrician who was very unprofessional and wrong about a lot of things, she would tell me he is a doctor and “knows a lot more than me”
9. She is invalidating….
10. Anytime I mention something I want to do like go back to college, she questions it. Told her I wanted to be a social worker and she said they don’t make enough money. Told her I wanted to go to school for psychology and she told me it’s too much school. Those are just a few examples
11. Always comments on how my husband and I are poor. If I throw a dinner party, she will say “this is a nice dinner party but you guys can’t keep having us all over for dinner because it’s too expensive” “you can’t afford to keep doing this” at Christmas, when she opens our present she will have a concerned look on her face and say “you guys can’t afford to buy me this!” In front of everyone. Also when we mentioned maybe having another child in the future, she told us that we couldn’t afford it! My husband and I are actually in a good spot financially and my husband keeps getting promotions.
12. Disrespects and argues with our parenting choices. If I say no TV she will argue with me about how educational TV is until she is blue in the face. She never just agrees or goes along with our choices. Always argues.
13. Brags about how smart and talented and perfect my husbands sister is. It’s rude and my husband and I don’t need to hear that all the time.
14. She won’t apologize without you begging for one. She has mastered giving manipulative apologies without actually taking accountability
15. She interrupts! Omg she interrupts when I’m in the middle of saying anything about myself! She will try to finish my sentence and then I’ll have to say “actually no that’s not what I was about to say”
16. She cancels plans
17. She will give us something for the house or just in general that we do really like but then later take it back and give it to another family member. It’s so rude!
18. She will pretend like she doesn’t know what you are talking about. She will say she doesn’t remember saying something! She plays dumb- it’s manipulative!
19. She will be so disrespectful and dismissive of my feelings. When we moved into our house I told my husband we may need a fence for the dog and she asked if I could just rehome my dog…. As if it would be nothing for me to just do that?
20. She Triangulates with other family. Uses a messenger to relay a message instead of just being direct with her communication
21. She tries to make my husband feel bad for her all the time.
22. I’ve noticed she will go out and buy something she knows we want or need but she does it quick before I have a chance to myself because she wants to pick it out. For example at a dinner I said We were looking at ballet places and I was going to find an affordable place for my daughter to take lessons. She then ran out and paid for a really expensive place by her house.:. Which was nice of her but I know she only did it so I wouldn’t pick out a place I liked . She had to be the one to pick it out. It’s the same with Easter dresses or Christmas Jammie’s. She knows I’m going to go buy these things but she will do it quick before I get a chance to so that we end up with something of her choosing. If I act ungrateful or bummed or if I refuse the “gift”, I look like The mean one.
23. She is just so damn controlling
24. She will act like your friend to your face and talk trash about you behind your back.
25. She will ignore text messages! I hate it when someone does this.
26. She never listens to us about anything. But then if my husbands sister or one of her friends tells her to do the same thing we said to do, she will listen to them and do it. This is hurtful and weird
27. She is so superficial and shallow.. cares about appearances and looks and money. Money is so damn important to her. Looking good is so important to her. When our daughter was born my husband posted a picture of our baby right out of the womb with th white vernix still on her face. It was beautiful and real and raw. He tagged my mil in the picture but she untagged herself from the photo and was the only family member to not like or love the photo. She sent my husband a text saying the white vernix on th baby was kind of gross and the picture was too much for Facebook. See, wverythint has to look perfect for her. She doesn’t realize that it’s the imperfections that make something beautiful. It’s the realness to something that adds beauty. She doesn’t understand that because she’s a fake person who needs everything to look like it’s right out it a commercial.
She’s not as evil or narcissistic as my mom but she sure does navigate the world through manipulative and lies which terrifies and triggers the hell out of me. My husband has cognitive dissonance to the whole thing. I wish I could move away from her so badly sometimes but my husband adores his parents and has made it clear he wants to be near them as they get old. She is one of the those people who probably won’t change or can’t change. She doesn’t respect or like me I can tell. She’s a person who will never approve of me no matter how hard I try. I’ve been hoping to gain her approval and respect but I think I need to accept that I will never have they from her.
1. She lies and tells fibs all the time. She thinks it’s for the persons own good.
2. She is a master manipulator
3. She constantly compares me to my husbands sister (the golden child of their family) or her stepdaughter . Telling me “oh this is what SHE does” “you should try doing it this way, this is what SHE does”
4. She compliments me on dumb minuscule things but ignores the big things that I’d like to be complimented on or credited for
5. She is addicted to shopping and buys us things all that time even when we tell her we don’t need anything and then she holds it over our head how much she spends on us
6. She does things or buys things for our daughter without asking, like getting her an iPad without asking or giving her candy without asking
7. She frequently stares at me with this offensive blank look whenever I tell her about something that has to do with my life like “I’m going to put up bamboo shades in here” and instead of saying “oh that sounds pretty” or “oh I don’t like that idea personally “ she will literally just stare with a disapproving face but give no response. It’s the most strange and manipulative thing to do.
8. Believes doctors are literally never wrong and cannot make mistakes. Whenever I expressed how much I didn’t like my obstetrician who was very unprofessional and wrong about a lot of things, she would tell me he is a doctor and “knows a lot more than me”
9. She is invalidating….
10. Anytime I mention something I want to do like go back to college, she questions it. Told her I wanted to be a social worker and she said they don’t make enough money. Told her I wanted to go to school for psychology and she told me it’s too much school. Those are just a few examples
11. Always comments on how my husband and I are poor. If I throw a dinner party, she will say “this is a nice dinner party but you guys can’t keep having us all over for dinner because it’s too expensive” “you can’t afford to keep doing this” at Christmas, when she opens our present she will have a concerned look on her face and say “you guys can’t afford to buy me this!” In front of everyone. Also when we mentioned maybe having another child in the future, she told us that we couldn’t afford it! My husband and I are actually in a good spot financially and my husband keeps getting promotions.
12. Disrespects and argues with our parenting choices. If I say no TV she will argue with me about how educational TV is until she is blue in the face. She never just agrees or goes along with our choices. Always argues.
13. Brags about how smart and talented and perfect my husbands sister is. It’s rude and my husband and I don’t need to hear that all the time.
14. She won’t apologize without you begging for one. She has mastered giving manipulative apologies without actually taking accountability
15. She interrupts! Omg she interrupts when I’m in the middle of saying anything about myself! She will try to finish my sentence and then I’ll have to say “actually no that’s not what I was about to say”
16. She cancels plans
17. She will give us something for the house or just in general that we do really like but then later take it back and give it to another family member. It’s so rude!
18. She will pretend like she doesn’t know what you are talking about. She will say she doesn’t remember saying something! She plays dumb- it’s manipulative!
19. She will be so disrespectful and dismissive of my feelings. When we moved into our house I told my husband we may need a fence for the dog and she asked if I could just rehome my dog…. As if it would be nothing for me to just do that?
20. She Triangulates with other family. Uses a messenger to relay a message instead of just being direct with her communication
21. She tries to make my husband feel bad for her all the time.
22. I’ve noticed she will go out and buy something she knows we want or need but she does it quick before I have a chance to myself because she wants to pick it out. For example at a dinner I said We were looking at ballet places and I was going to find an affordable place for my daughter to take lessons. She then ran out and paid for a really expensive place by her house.:. Which was nice of her but I know she only did it so I wouldn’t pick out a place I liked . She had to be the one to pick it out. It’s the same with Easter dresses or Christmas Jammie’s. She knows I’m going to go buy these things but she will do it quick before I get a chance to so that we end up with something of her choosing. If I act ungrateful or bummed or if I refuse the “gift”, I look like The mean one.
23. She is just so damn controlling
24. She will act like your friend to your face and talk trash about you behind your back.
25. She will ignore text messages! I hate it when someone does this.
26. She never listens to us about anything. But then if my husbands sister or one of her friends tells her to do the same thing we said to do, she will listen to them and do it. This is hurtful and weird
27. She is so superficial and shallow.. cares about appearances and looks and money. Money is so damn important to her. Looking good is so important to her. When our daughter was born my husband posted a picture of our baby right out of the womb with th white vernix still on her face. It was beautiful and real and raw. He tagged my mil in the picture but she untagged herself from the photo and was the only family member to not like or love the photo. She sent my husband a text saying the white vernix on th baby was kind of gross and the picture was too much for Facebook. See, wverythint has to look perfect for her. She doesn’t realize that it’s the imperfections that make something beautiful. It’s the realness to something that adds beauty. She doesn’t understand that because she’s a fake person who needs everything to look like it’s right out it a commercial.
She’s not as evil or narcissistic as my mom but she sure does navigate the world through manipulative and lies which terrifies and triggers the hell out of me. My husband has cognitive dissonance to the whole thing. I wish I could move away from her so badly sometimes but my husband adores his parents and has made it clear he wants to be near them as they get old. She is one of the those people who probably won’t change or can’t change. She doesn’t respect or like me I can tell. She’s a person who will never approve of me no matter how hard I try. I’ve been hoping to gain her approval and respect but I think I need to accept that I will never have they from her.
Chessgirl♟
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Chessgirl
- Member
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- Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm
Re: On the Chessboard 2021
I hate her sometimes. She exchanged the earrings my husband got her for Xmas and got me something in exchange for them . I know what you may be thinking- that that sounds nice and considerate. Nope, not from her. It’s manipulative. It’s her way of saying “ here you need this more than I do”. She also gave me more of her clothes, her hand me downs that she loves to give to me Even after we told her I don’t want anymore clothes. She gave me Christmas pajamas still in the unopened pack that were size xxL. I recently gained a lot of weight but not that much and she knows that.. I feel like this was on purpose too. Of course my husband stands up for her when I mention anything which triggers me so much. I have to bite my tongue and it takes everything in me to not get verbally abusive. I have to leave the room. I loath his mother . She actually is starting to remind me so much of my mother which frightens me to my core
Chessgirl♟
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coconuts
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- Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am
Re: On the Chessboard 2021
Aww in sorry she is so triggering chessgirl. I never realized how triggering my unlawful were till a few years ago. In many ways they are good people. But when push came to shove they threw me out to the wolves. I've not been able to forgive that. So and I've been able to see them more for those sort of manipulations. Ive honestly scaled back a TON on our interactions. I just seem to have a lot of headaches when it is time to go to their house (not a lie, just probably a physical response to a psych stressor) in a way though I decided it doesnt matter. My h wants to have a relationship with his family, fine. But I dont have to take sooo much time out of my life to go sit in the background of their family events. Im always on the outside. And its painful. So I choose to act like I thought it was a perfect time for them to spend time together while I spend time doing something else needful. Sleeping, visiting with a friend, taking a bath, going to a strangely long dr appointment Those things. And i know they might whisper about it behind my back but honestly its not like they were going to ever magically approve of or like me no matter how hard I try. So why do I keep trying so hard.
My h felt kind of hurt for a while. But I make sure to participate sometimes and for bigger things. Though Christmas day is still a huge sour point for me. But I stopped participating for every tiny little thing. I was tired of wasting my time on people who will never approve of me. When I'm already a bit sketchy on liking myself I do not need more people disapproving of me.
Ugh sorry if I said to much about it. I just think that sometimes we are so busy trying to not rock the boat that we forget we get to take care of ourselves too. Its not an all or nothing. There can be different ways to respond that don't always mean me just bowing down to everyone else's needs and desires. Wow maybe im too negative to be on here today. Oy. I just didnt want to not reply to you or leave you hanging. But gosh I'm not in the nicest mood.
I do hope things improve for you. That you find a way to feel okay and take care of you too
Those things. And i know they might whisper about it behind my back but honestly its not like they were going to ever magically approve of or like me no matter how hard I try. So why do I keep trying so hard.My h felt kind of hurt for a while. But I make sure to participate sometimes and for bigger things. Though Christmas day is still a huge sour point for me. But I stopped participating for every tiny little thing. I was tired of wasting my time on people who will never approve of me. When I'm already a bit sketchy on liking myself I do not need more people disapproving of me.
Ugh sorry if I said to much about it. I just think that sometimes we are so busy trying to not rock the boat that we forget we get to take care of ourselves too. Its not an all or nothing. There can be different ways to respond that don't always mean me just bowing down to everyone else's needs and desires. Wow maybe im too negative to be on here today. Oy. I just didnt want to not reply to you or leave you hanging. But gosh I'm not in the nicest mood.
I do hope things improve for you. That you find a way to feel okay and take care of you too
Be the Light 
in someone's night.
in someone's night.-
Chessgirl
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- Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm
Re: On the Chessboard 2021
Oh coconuts
It means a lot that you responded. I love hearing from you! I had no idea you felt that way of your in laws. That sounds so similar to me. I do the same thing with the head aches that conveniently come up right before I’m supposed to join them for dinner. It really helps hearing you say that you don’t need to be there for every little thing. It is ok to watch from the sideline. You are right it does feel a little hurtful but it’s better than putting yourself out there to be triggered constantly. You are right they probably won’t magically approve over night and I need to remember that when dealing with them. I need to try to be at peace with this reality. I appreciate you helping me see things and thank you for sharing your own experiences with me
It means a lot that you responded. I love hearing from you! I had no idea you felt that way of your in laws. That sounds so similar to me. I do the same thing with the head aches that conveniently come up right before I’m supposed to join them for dinner. It really helps hearing you say that you don’t need to be there for every little thing. It is ok to watch from the sideline. You are right it does feel a little hurtful but it’s better than putting yourself out there to be triggered constantly. You are right they probably won’t magically approve over night and I need to remember that when dealing with them. I need to try to be at peace with this reality. I appreciate you helping me see things and thank you for sharing your own experiences with me
Chessgirl♟
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Progress
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Re: On the Chessboard 2021
Hey chessgirl,
I’ve started to write a response to this a few times now. I can never quite finish!
That woman is just mean. She’s mean to you. Everything you described is so….mean. She would trigger me constantly if she did those things to me.
Everything has a hint of her trying to make herself feel better about herself by putting you down. Some of those examples are very obvious, but she also does it in the subtlest of ways.
Is she in some strange competition to be the better woman in her son’s eyes? It seems like if you have anything to do with something, she hates it. And then she rescues your husband and daughter from your “bad” ideas. Idk. Sorry if I’m projecting my own experience in some way. I just know I’m familiar with the tactics and I sure don’t like it!
I think I’m kind of going through some stuff this week, and my brain is a little tired, but I really felt like I wanted to respond to your post! (She’s soooooooo mean!)
Hope you are doing well,
Progress
I’ve started to write a response to this a few times now. I can never quite finish!
That woman is just mean. She’s mean to you. Everything you described is so….mean. She would trigger me constantly if she did those things to me.
Everything has a hint of her trying to make herself feel better about herself by putting you down. Some of those examples are very obvious, but she also does it in the subtlest of ways.
Is she in some strange competition to be the better woman in her son’s eyes? It seems like if you have anything to do with something, she hates it. And then she rescues your husband and daughter from your “bad” ideas. Idk. Sorry if I’m projecting my own experience in some way. I just know I’m familiar with the tactics and I sure don’t like it!
I think I’m kind of going through some stuff this week, and my brain is a little tired, but I really felt like I wanted to respond to your post! (She’s soooooooo mean!)
Hope you are doing well,
Progress
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Gurglesnap
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Re: On the Chessboard 2021
"I awoke in the night and thought... oh shit... I shouldn't have asked that question.
Sending anonymous hugs and hoping all are well"
I believe people never go wrong by sending hugs and wishing all are well. Wel all question, and I think most everyone that was in this want to be helpful.
Chessgirl, from reading your bullet points about this woman, reminds me of my family. She sounds like something that would climb out of the Pacific and attack Los Angeles. May the military prevail. I am really sorry this woman does you this way, there is no excuse for it. That is not me being hostile it is simply an observation I don't understand people like this, I do however understand people like us. I mean up to a certain point, no one knows everything. I really hope you can find a way to deal with her, I have very little family left, and they are on mother's side, They are hideous. As you move forward, may things please get better for you. Take care of yourself.
Sending anonymous hugs and hoping all are well
"I believe people never go wrong by sending hugs and wishing all are well. Wel all question, and I think most everyone that was in this want to be helpful.
Chessgirl, from reading your bullet points about this woman, reminds me of my family. She sounds like something that would climb out of the Pacific and attack Los Angeles. May the military prevail. I am really sorry this woman does you this way, there is no excuse for it. That is not me being hostile it is simply an observation I don't understand people like this, I do however understand people like us. I mean up to a certain point, no one knows everything. I really hope you can find a way to deal with her, I have very little family left, and they are on mother's side, They are hideous. As you move forward, may things please get better for you. Take care of yourself.
I will do what I must.
-Obi Wan Kenobi
-Obi Wan Kenobi
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Progress
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Re: On the Chessboard 2021
Hey Chessgirl,
Just checking and wondering how you are doing?
How’s that wee babe?
If memory serves me, about 3 weeks into caring for a newborn is when I went into zombie-mode from lack of sleep. Are you at the 3 week mark?
I hope all is well with your family and most especially YOU. I look forward to updates whenever you feel up to it. Please don’t feel pressured to post if you don’t have the time energy or desire! My bff used to say, if we are to be bffs, there is NEVER going to be any pressure to do anything that feels too hard, or like work, or simply because you just can’t right now. And I knew right then that this was a friendship made in heaven!
I hope you are taking gentle sweet care of yourself! You deserve it!
Progress
Just checking and wondering how you are doing?
How’s that wee babe?
If memory serves me, about 3 weeks into caring for a newborn is when I went into zombie-mode from lack of sleep. Are you at the 3 week mark?
I hope all is well with your family and most especially YOU. I look forward to updates whenever you feel up to it.
Please don’t feel pressured to post if you don’t have the time energy or desire! My bff used to say, if we are to be bffs, there is NEVER going to be any pressure to do anything that feels too hard, or like work, or simply because you just can’t right now. And I knew right then that this was a friendship made in heaven!I hope you are taking gentle sweet care of yourself! You deserve it!
Progress