On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

Progress and gurglesnap

Thank you for your replies. I’ve read them several times now. I got signed out of this site and couldn’t remember my password (my memory is so bad right now!) so that is why I haven’t responded until now. I am going to write back more thoroughly tomorrow but didn’t want to leave you hanging tonight. I so appreciate having your input and support!

[coconuts]

The site had a major glitche and we all had to retrieve or reset our passwords. It wasnt you.

Hoping little one is being kind to momma and you are recovering well from what really waz a very difficult pregnancy.

[Gurglesnap]

Normally cookies just log-right into the site, but I had trouble getting into the chatroom. I just messaged them and they fixed it. Don't be worried about having a bad memory, I am considered quite intelligent, but I spend a quarter of my time looking for one of the remotes. Darn, slippery things, so elusive. How smart can I be if I have to do that? It is annoying as all get out, as they say around here. Please be well.

[Chessgirl]

Thank you both! I was sure I just kept forgetting the password. Glad it wasn’t me. I’ve had very little sleep lately like about 3 hours asleep. It’s hard to think straight. I was up late last night thinking about my dad and I have been very confused about whether to feel sorry for him keeping not. Without me, there is no one to blame for the screwed up mess the family is. Then it struck me that my dad was an abuser to. He never really loved me. He might even be a narcissist as well. I just wanted to believe he loved and cared for me because he showed more kindness than my mother. I wrote this last night. It might sound like a jumbled mess but it makes sense to me. I’m just trying to process everything still. You see I’m about to book another session with my psychic and was going to ask her how my dad was doing and if my dad was aware that what my mom put me through was abuse. Was he aware of the damage. Was he aware of the sabotaging like when she cut my breaks. Then it occurred to me that he was aware.



He was aware. He might have even been aware of the break line. He was aware of the sabotage but justified it because he was convinced I was a bad kid and that it would make my mom happy. My mom was like a hungry vampire who needed to be constantly fed my blood sweat and tears and she just could never be satisfied. He became in denial about it. He didn’t really care. He cares mostly about her and her needs. He tried to convince me I was bad because that way I wouldn’t question their treatment of me and I was easier to control that way. He wanted me to stay as I was the only one who could absorb the hatred and anger and help make sense of it all for him. I was also the only one in the family who showed him genuine love and concern and empathy and he knew my mom and brother couldn’t give him that. So as much abuse as they put me through he also showed fake love. He became in denial of a lot of this so he tried to prove he loved me and did the normal things a father would do for their daughter but he could never really be allowed to do that. He gave up hope for our family being normal and healthy a long time ago when I was a toddler.

When everything went out the window he stopped worrying about all boundaries and being drunk and dissociated, he groped me in bed that night and had to pretend he didn’t know I was me. He kept that little secret to himself along with many others which is why he feels a deep seeded guilt and shame. He knew that if I ever figured this stuff out I’d be gone. I still don’t know if the car insurance is to help him sleep at night or to brag to family members and people who know me about how I am still accepting financial help from them. (Car insurance he still pays automatically every month which is bizarre)

He will be treated poorly as he becomes an elderly man and he will have no one to thank but himself for that for the way he treated me was unacceptable. I would have been willing to forgive him up until recently but I know now he is just as guilty as she is if not more. He’s not as sick and void of empathy and the ability to love as she is. He chose to be like her. He’s really deluded and sick and this is why I feel such disgust. He was an abuser too. He will not have the privilege of seeing my beautiful girls grow into smart creative loving and gorgeous individuals. He will only see and experience W’s (bro) traumatized Kids who are going through their own abusive experiences. Products of another narcissist in the family. MemA will be abused till her death and he will see that. He will have to find some excuse as to why that is happening. I suppose he has always just told himself that MemA is so difficult and Deserves it. He will see the grandchildren become strange and withdrawn. He will see L (sister in law) experience her own turmoil and struggle dealing with my brother and his relationship with my mother. He will be controlled by my brother and degraded and devalued. He will feel lonely and retreat to drinking. His health will decline. He will have to live with out his scape goat and he will have to try to keep up the lies he tells himself but the guilt and shame will creep in regularly and he will feel sadness and anxiety and maybe even regret. I hope he asks himself the question “what have I done” but he may continue to insist that I have caused all the family’s problems and stay mad at me for the rest of his life . I won’t make excuses for child abusers anymore even my own father .

[Chessgirl]

I actually read that sometimes the enabler parent will have such a lack of power in their relationship
With the narcissist and will address this issue by feeling powerful In joining in on the abuse of a targeted child with their narcissistic partner. I think this is how it all started with my dad. He only felt powerful and bonded with my mother when they were teamed up against me. I’ve been suddenly feeling such rage at my enabling father.
Disgust and rage. He was never safe as I perceived him to be. He caused more damage than her perhaps

[dancingfish]

Sending you care and support, dear Chessgirl. I think you're right, unfortunately, about dynamics around a narcissist. Not that you should have ever suffered as a result, let alone been in their destructive sphere.

I remember once learning about how feeling anger and rage at what happened being healthy expressions of protecting ourselves. It keeps us safe even if it's heavy feelings to be dealing with. Wishing you care, comfort, and hope you can express all you need to. Sending you bundles of support!

[Chessgirl]

Thank you for your comfort and encouragement dancingfish. Yes I recently read about anger being a sign that you do love yourself. You love yourself enough to be angry at what has been done to you! So great to be reminded of that. Now I need to find something healthy to put this anger into.

[Progress]

Oh Chessgirl,
What an amazingly powerful post. I’m so sorry for the pain it causes. I can certainly relate to thinking one parent is safer and more caring than the other, and then coming to the harsh realization that it just wasn’t true.
I can also relate to finding your anger. I have a newish part that is simply a ball of fire. The ball of fire is quite empowering. She is anger (and hate). She helps me see to it that my anger and hate is directed at the appropriate people. Sometimes I get angry at little stupid things and I wonder why the heck I’m angry at, idk, like I picked up a red pen instead of a blue pen, and all I have to do is switch pens. What the heck am I so angry about? I’m pretty sure my anger is often just misplaced. When I explored my ball of fire, I KNEW for sure where my anger and hate is truly meant to be aimed. It was freeing in so many ways, so empowering, to cut those apron strings to my crappy parents.

Chessgirl, I am really really happy/sad for your revelations. Happy that you are coming to your truth. Sad that it had to be that way.
There’s so much grieving to be done. It’s so sad. They weren’t the parents you wanted, needed, or deserved.

Sitting with you as you slice through the complexities of having bad parents, and find your way to your truth.

Progress

[Gurglesnap]

Goodness a vampire, you need Jonathan Harker and crew from the novel, "Dracula." They can dispatch one quickly, but you knowing what you do now and what you are figuring out is good. This stuff causes so much damage, for that I am truly sorry.

[coconuts]

I very much relate to your post. I was convinced for years that my father was safe... really he was just safer than my mother. That certainly didn't make him safe. It didnt make him blameless or some extra victim of a bad situation. Enabling parents are just doing a different form of abuse. They are neglecting you and their hidden message is that you are not worth protecting.
Im sorry you are facing these hard truths. I have to take this stuff in tiny bites. I know there is more to my story with my dad but I'm not sure what I'm capable of handling.
Yay you for seeing it, for being angry on behalf of yourself. And for realizing his part in all this. Directing that anger where it belongs is such a great step in healing.