Introduction

[Blueburgers]

Hi Everyone,

My name is blueburgers and I'm scared to introduce myself but also excited to be here and share my story as well as listen to all of yours.

Here is my story in brief:

I grew up with divorced parents, mostly living with my mom. But, when I would visit my dad on the weekends with my sister, his house was always quite unsafe. He drank a lot and did not know how to take care of children so he wouldn't really have food in the fridge or have any activities prepared for us to do. My older sister would have to ask him to take us to the grocery store and cook food for us. Later, my dad remarried to my step mom. She had a step daughter and step son. When I was in second grade, we had a family reunion on my dad's side and my older cousin touched me. He had a track record of doing that to other younger girls so my mom had already warned me about him, but unfortunately she wasn't at that reunion. My dad didn't seem to know anything of this. I backed away from my cousin and avoided him after that. Then, fast forward to grade 8, my step brother at my dad's house touched me in the middle of the night. I tried to back away from him or pretend I was waking up and then he would stop, but then start again a few minutes later. I did not sleep at all that night. I then tried to avoid my step brother every time I would go over to visit my dad. I did not want to ruin my dad's marriage so I didn't say anything. Then in grade 9, my younger cousin (older than me but younger than the other cousin) was over at our house and so was my step brother. My stepbrother started touching me while my younger cousin was in the room. We were all hanging out in the basement late at night. It was dark so I wasn't sure what he could see, but I did not feel like I could back away from my step brother. Later that night, when we were all going to sleep, my step brother and young cousin both started touching me at the same time. It felt horrible and I did not feel like a human. From then on, my step brother regularly touched me and occasionally my younger cousin did as well. My step brother went as far as to penetrate me without my consent. Sometimes I felt like I gave consent because I grew to like it. I had no previous sexual experiences before un-consensual ones so this was all I was used to. I liked the attention he gave me when I was at my dad's house because I already felt so neglected. It was nice to feel like one person in that house actually cared about me and loved me. This was a false notion however because my step brother did not in fact care for me, he just wanted me for my body and the sexual gratification it could provide him with. Unfortunately from this, I learned that sex was about performing and pleasing the other person. Eventually, I only saw myself as a sexual object. I simultaneously suffered from PTSD, anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I wanted to end my life. My dad also decided to let my older cousin live at his house (the same one from second grade) because he had been kicked out of his own house for trying to shoot a boar on his dad's property and stealing/selling his tools. Immediately, my older cousin saw that I was vulnerable and started grooming me. He would talk about my body, talk about older girls having sex, his experiences with sex, offer me special gifts like alcohol and weed because I was not of age to buy them myself. We grew very close and then he raped me three times over the course of a weekend, always talking about how young I was and how it was better this way. Soon after this, the pandemic hit and I was no longer able to visit my dad's house. This was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I have since been able to heal a shit tone, but it is hard work. Very, very hard work.

Thank you for reading my story,

I look forward to getting to know all of you.

Blueburgers

[Scars]

Welcome to isurvive,

I have found so much support and healing here.
I hope it is the same for you.

it may take a minute to get a response to your post, so don't get discouraged in the beginning.
and check that you want to be notified when a reply has posted underneath the edit box helps you keep up with conversations that interest you.

<3 scars

[Blueburgers]

Thank you for your warm welcome Scars,

I'm happy you have found healing, I hope I find the same.

Thank you for the advice, that is helpful to hear!

Blueburgers

[Serenity]

Hi Blueburgers and welcome. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here.

With care,
Serenity

[Jonesy]

Hi Blueburgers,

Sorry to be late in welcoming you to isurvive. It’s kinda quiet but there’s a wealth of support available, may you soon feel at home.