Self Blame

[Redisfinallyfree]

Whenever things go wrong or bad changes happen with anything I’ve touched
I so often jump to blaming myself and feeling that I ought.
I touched it and things went wrong so it has to be my fault
I learned that as a child from the lessons my birth parents taught.

If I’m in the room or any place when the favorites lose the game
My birth family told me that I was the one to blame.
“It’s your fault! You’re bad luck!”, I heard time and time again.
Why did you have to be here to ruin it and spoil our fun?

“Here comes Jackass screwing up the works!”,
My loving father would often say as I passed by.
Natural disaster? “Its your fault!”, even if it was lightning from the sky.
I was living and I was breathing so the blame belonged to me.

It’s as plain as the nose on your face for all the world to see.
Mother’s cats get cancer? Yep, that was my fault too.
Mimosa trees die from disease? They put the blame on me.
Sisters do bad things? Call me home to take the beating.

Anything broken in mother’s house must be my doing.
I didn’t have to be there in order to get the blame.
If I was in the neighborhood then they’d pile on the shame.
Guilty should have been my middle name.

As I grew up, I internalized that stuff.
It didn’t take long for me to assume all blame
For any wrong I was aware of happening anywhere near me.
My causing things to go wrong, I thought everyone could see.

It’s hard to feel good about myself, while suspecting everything is my fault.
I’ve carried that burden of guilt for most of my life.
But my mother’s latest letter stating she’d always hurt me “with love” has had
The unexpected effect of me thinking about changing my mind.

After beating myself up for days and days
I’ve finally realized something new about blame and guilt and shame.
It’s weird that I could not see it before.
Guilt requires thoughts and deeds that are done to cause harmful effects.

The new thought is that if I haven’t done those deeds
Then maybe the guilt is not for me to own.
Maybe I can feel compassion for others
Instead of bringing the blame for it home.

I’m not God nor am I the devil.
Such power of theirs I don’t possess
For wreaking havoc or bringing great
Disaster upon this great big world.

I wasn’t guilty as a child.
I was just a little innocent girl.
The fact that my parents punished me
Did not mean I was rightly to blame.

The fact that they berated me
And called me every bad name
Did not make me guilty
Or prove I deserved the shame.

I hope I can break this habit
That they forced me to learn.
They shouldered me with guilt
That I’d done nothing to earn.

But how to undo their work,
Is what I have to learn.
Can it ever be undone?
I guess we’ll see in what remains of my sojourn.

[Oceantide]

Thank you for sharing this, RedisFinallyFree, it's an honor to witness your process and you express yourself so powerfully. I'm sorry you have been so brutally scapegoated. I'm sorry about how understandably triggering your mother's recent note was. I'm continually impressed at your strength, grace, beauty and resilience as you free yourself from cruel lies.

[Scars]

((((( Redisfinallyfree )))))
I was thrilled to read these words:

After beating myself up for days and days
I’ve finally realized something new about blame and guilt and shame.
It’s weird that I could not see it before.
Guilt requires thoughts and deeds that are done to cause harmful effects.

The new thought is that if I haven’t done those deeds
Then maybe the guilt is not for me to own.
Maybe I can feel compassion for others
Instead of bringing the blame for it home.

I had a T who asked my once to lay on the floor and kick and scream and pitch a 2 year old fit, and I couldn't do it. Something inside kept saying it was my fault, that I deserved all the pain and hurt I was feeling. Now, 30 years later, I think I might could do that silly exercise.
Find your way to rage against the injustice of it all. It happened too often for far too long. Find a safe way to rage. Get it out of you.

<3 Scars

[Redisfinallyfree]

Hi Scars,

I’m scared of rage now and really, really tired of being consumed by rage. I was scared of myself for a long time. Five years ago when I hurt my back and was forced to sit or lay still on my cushiony leather sofa, I started to relive my abuse experiences one at a time in a steady succession that lasted for more than four years. During that time I had so much of the worst rage I’ve ever felt in my life inside of me. When I wasn’t feeling rage I was feeling the deepest sadness I’ve ever felt in my life and I cried enough tears to fill an olympic sized swimming pool. I felt nothing but a venomous rage and crippling sadness for four and a half years. I felt like I was giving off noxious fumes and hid myself away from my family for most of that time so that I didn’t poison them. Still, when I was around them, some of that raged seeped out and tainted every interaction. I could barely move physically and I thought the rage and sadness were going to kill me. I started giving my children advice and encouragement on how to live their best lives every night when I’d hug and kiss them and tell them I love them before bed. I did this because I was convinced that each day was my last. I had not yet realized that I was abused. As I was coming out of that terrible emotional pendulum and beginning to believe that I was going to live and actually be better, I started to write my story. After reading my own story and realizing that I’d been abused, I raged and cried for three more months. After that, I realized that I was a survivor and have not raged or cried out such poisonous feelings. I like your advice because it is right and it is good. Some days I still have moments of intense anger when I let myself think about my abusers getting away with their abuse, but the anger is not rage. My most recent struggle after my momster’s stupid letter was a war of thoughts and beliefs about my self worth. I was tempted to rage, curse, and hate my birth family, but especially my momster. I was almost convinced to give up on myself because the echos of their hateful words in my head seemed reasonable and true. I was thinking that since they’ve always gotten away with their abuse, then I MUST be the one in the wrong and I MUST have deserved all of it. I chose to reach out one more time rather than doing the things I felt like doing that I knew would hurt me more. Then I got a wonderful response that helped me see new possibilities and to change some of my thinking.

I’ve felt anger and hate for so much of my life. Anger has been my most felt emotion since I was 12 years old. I want to feel love as my most felt emotion for the rest of my life and to focus on my reasons to be happy and grateful now instead. This summer of feeling welcomed and validated and supported on isurvive has helped me to calm down and not be bothered and upset by life’s inconveniences. Having never been in contact with other abuse survivors, I’ve been such a drama queen because life felt so unfair. It’s exhausting. I like this new me that takes things in stride and doesn’t let them eat me up feeling picked on by the universe. I’ve often thought of myself as a sort of murder victim because of the effects of abuse on me. Then yesterday I read one of the helpful references from isurvive and it mentioned “Soul Murder” as a real thing for abuse victims. Once again, I felt so validated. My thoughts about what I survived being wrongs done against me, just like the thoughts of other survivors about their abuse experiences are correct. As I see it, part of our abuse involves attacks we all endure after being abused about what we are allowed to BELIEVE about what was done to us. Guilt and shame are part of those after abuse attacks. Overcoming their effects often feels impossible for me and I’m not even dealing with DID or anything like that. Being kind to myself has always been a challenge. Whenever someone has been even slightly kind to me I’ve had to fight hard to not cry like a baby because I was so unworthy. I don’t want to rage any more. I don’t want to feel angry any more. They’ve been my standard go to emotions for soooooo long. I think I’ve self sabotaged too. I want to win. I WANT TO W I N!!!! (Shouting it out, not yelling at you.)
I want to thrive. I want to completely leave my birth family behind. I want to write myself a new story because I am a survivor.
I hope this doesn’t feel like I’m yelling at you or am angry with you. I’m really not. I’m feeling almost peaceful now and am telling you a little more of my story so that you understand where I am in this moment right now as I write to you.

You are right. I absolutely DID need to feel and express that venomous rage. Getting it out took almost five years. My poor children had their mother in the house with them during that time, but they did not have me. I had to keep myself away to protect them from the venomous rage inside of me and from forcing them into parental roles if I let them see how bitterly I cried. They knew little of it until after it was done. Now I am making amends. I’m so glad that I was getting it out BEFORE I realized what I was reliving was actual child abuse. I think my head might have actually physically exploded or I might have had a stroke and died because I know that the rage would have been much, much worse had that knowledge been combined with reliving the experiences and feeling the feelings I was denied at the time. I don’t think I could have survived if I’d known I was reliving abuse while I was reliving it. Today is one of my more hopeful days. I’m trying to take each day one at a time, rather than trying to plan beyond today. Too many unexpected downs after the ups for planning ahead.

(((((( Scars )))))). Thank you so much for caring so much. Thank you for following my story and for reaching out to me all while experiencing your own struggles. You are a treasure. Thanks for being there for me.

Redisfinallyfree

[Scars]

Redisfinallyfree,

I know this feeling:

I felt like I was giving off noxious fumes and hid myself away from my family for most of that time so that I didn’t poison them.

I am still afraid of my rage, but I have learned that there are healthy ways to let it out. I have also learned to hate the behaviors and not the person.
I still struggle with being kind to myself.

Whenever someone has been even slightly kind to me I’ve had to fight hard to not cry like a baby because I was so unworthy.

A school counselor told me once to write down the lies that we believed about ourselves during the abuse, some that were spoken and some that were self-inflicted, and meditate on them and ask God to tell us His/Her truth about the situation, and try to let them go. It made me see that my childhood perception of myself was go greatly damaged and faulty and how much of an effect it had on my ability to accept kindness from others and give kindness to myself.
I want you to thrive. I want you to write a new story because I you are a survivor. and I think you are doing that. You are courageous, compassionate and strong. You have proven that.

Be kind to yourself today,
<3 scars

[Redisfinallyfree]

Can you share some of the “healthy” ways to let out rage? I don’t think I know any “healthy” ways. When I was feeling that horrible venomous rage I felt like I could have killed someone with my bare hands or even just with my words. I ate myself forty pounds heavier via extended binges of endorphin releasing chocolates and junk foods just to get the worst edges off. I couldn’t move, so I couldn’t go for walks or runs.

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you Oceantide for your kind and supportive words.

Some days I struggle to see that their words WERE lies. I’m learning to take it one day at a time and to expect downs to come even after the highest up days. I’m making the effort to focus on the here and now and to look for reasons to be grateful and happy. I’m not sure if strength, grace, beauty, and resilience are words that apply to me, but I like that you used them about me. Thanks.

Redisfinallyfree

[Scars]

Heathy ways to rid yourself of rage that have worked for me:
1) write hateful letters to the ones that have hurt you, then read them out loud and burn them in a ritual and visualize the rage is going up in the smoke.
2) throw rocks as far as you can and imagine each rock is now lost and can't be found again.
3) break things, pieces of left over tile, those figurines you don't collect anymore, glass bottles. Photograph the results and then sweep them up and throw them away.
4) kick the crap out of a cardboard box, stomp it until it can never hold anything again, tear it to shreds and drop it into a fire or trach can one piece at a time saying goodbye and good riddance.
5) pull weeds out by the roots in your flower beds or garden if you have one.
6) go out in the forest and scream till your voice gives out.

I had back surgery in January and I'm still recovering. It did wonders for my pain, but I am so much weaker than I was two years ago. The inactivity was a real killer in terms of breaking my momentum towards physical health. I have gotten fat and lazy.

I hope you are well now.
3 scars

[Redisfinallyfree]

Hi again Scars. I LOVE YOUR HEALTHY SUGGESTIONS!!! <3<3<3<3. You made me laugh. I may not be able to do all of them, but I can do most of them. Thank you so much.

Redisfinallyfree

[there]

Redisfinallyfree,

This is so powerfully beautiful! It's deep and true. Thank you, it's helping me too.

I really have found healing in the entire thread between you and Scars.