I'm beginning to see that part of this is habit, just plain H-A-B-I-T!! So much is learned by our little ones, even if it isn't noticed by adults: how the table is set for a meal in a household (if at all), the nuances of language and mannerisms, and especially what is expected of the child(ren), what gets rewards and what gets punishment? Even an infant or a toddler is learning these things at a rapid pace.
So...reflecting in that vein, what was I taught? "Shut up!", "Go outside and play (in a brand new homemade dress oftentimes) - AND DON'T GET DIRTY!", or "Look at how UGLY you are! Look at that hair AND YOUR NOSE!! Your eyes are your only good feature. And you are SO STUPID!! Why did I ever have YOU?!" The only two mirrors in the house, one way up high in the tiny bathroom and one over the dresser in the equally tiny bedroom, were also high up for me without standing on my tiptoes, and were really of no use to me actually seeing this grotesque, deformed, and stupid monster that I was TOLD that I was. I would stand on my tiptoes, take a peek at my reflection, and then, due to the strain of gravity, have to come back down - but the split second that I did that, I went from, "Oh! THAT'S what I look like!" to "Uh, what did I just see again?" and up on my toes I'd go - repeatedly - until I'd hear MD viciously yell at me to "STOP THAT and go outside and play, for Pete's sake". MD even had my father build a FENCE (God, I hated that fence!!) around our cottage, blocking me from running in terror the 40' up to the safety of my Grandpa's house AND so that she didn't have to watch me at all. I felt trapped, and I WAS trapped!! We lived there from the time I was 1½-5 (barely)...most of my "formative years".
I bit my fingernails down to the quick til they bled! Nervous? Yeah, just a tad! 
I never knew what was coming next or what diabolical thing she was thinking up to hit me with, literally or figuratively. But it didn't matter: there was NO ESCAPE! I just had to stand there and take it. No one was coming to save me. I was helpless, I was powerless, and I was VERY alone! 
So that's what I learned way back then. And those are my habits to BREAK here in the NOW. MD is GONE. She will NOT come back from wherever she went. She cannot hurt me anymore...unless I play the deeply ingrained "Inner Critic" tapes in my head and ALLOW her to. And that's easy to do sometimes. I actually am noticing that it takes some real effort to push back, to not listen to the tapes. THEY ARE THERE, no doubt about it! But I've been watering DAILY for several days now...and that's a real TRIUMPH FOR ME!!!!
And OMG!!!!!! The Rubinette apple tree, in addition to the little unfurling green leaves, HAS BLOSSOMS ON IT, as if to say THANK YOU TO ME!! I can see that the tree is confused with its near death experience at my hands (lack of water), but BLOSSOMS??
And the Albion strawberries are not only sending out TWO new shoots (which I will gently pot and turn into two new Albion strawberry plants), but it has a STRAWBERRY ON IT, TOO!! OK, it's still green, but it's THERE!! I'm SO excited!!AND only the heat out there stopped me today from completing a walkway to the rest of my yard (and my TOTALLY neglected fruit trees) on the east side of my house! It's a 22' wide strip from back fence to the front fence and the Fuji apple tree overhanging branches were blocking my path. I was also using hand held pruners to chop my way through my Fuji apple tree (at least 25' tall and LOADED with apples!!) with thick WHIPPY WEEDS (invasive Morning Glory vines) all tangled through it and half smothering the tree! I need to use my loppers instead. I have some dandy ones: a bypass ratchet lopper and a smaller anvil lopper for dead limbs. I also have my 6" hand held chain saw and another slightly larger chain saw either on a pole or hand held as well. I need to learn how to use and care for those, but the loppers are going to be used TOMORROW MORNING EARLY (111º forecast!
). So I'll be hacking my way over to that side of the house and the adjacent garage side door. That will give me access to the garage from outside as well as inside. I also need to undo the 3 bales of straw on that side of the house and spread them all around the a/c condenser to BLOCK the whippy weeds from crawling up inside of it and ruining our a/c!!!! I'll cut back what is already there, too. (GREAT EXERCISE!!
) If it gets too hot, I can always make it a two day job, BUT I have to make a path to there first. Water first, then loppers for the big Fuji branches on the one side to make a path, and then onward into my dust-dry side of the yard and maybe water some? I have most of my fruit trees over there without one drop of water all summer! I'll see how it looks once I have access to it again. Maybe just soak my Aprium, plum, apricot, and peaches. But the straw MUST go down around the condenser first! I'll figure it all out as I go. And with all the extra movement/exercise my muumuus are "getting bigger" on me. Sweet extra benefit!===================Midnight (at the oasis?
)Today was 109º.
Tomorrow 110º. Even Friday 106º. But after that the temps slide down into something manageable!! THE UPPER 80S!! HALLELUJAH! I still need to water often, and I still need to get out there as early as possible. BUT! THAT ISN'T BAD! After that, it keeps on sliding down into the MID 80s!! All the way until late September! I am STOKED about that! I can just go out there and begin puttering. My truck won't start at the moment, but it's probably the battery. This heat kills everything. I guess we broke some records. I am going to battle my way over into the east yard - that's a new name for it, but it'll do. My loppers are at the ready and it's garbage night, too. Got some clean up to do...but it's still going to be 110º during the hottest times. I'm also going to do laundry early so our governor doesn't blow a fuse or something! They're already threatening rolling blackouts - not a good thing at all, but we are in a special tiny district where shutdowns are a true rarity. We don't even feel the earthquakes over here like they do along the coast, either. So we are truly blessed. I picked this area for a reason. 
We do get the heat sometimes, but with a/c we do ok. Without it, it is hell on earth!!Time for bed if I want to get much done tomorrow. It's been so hot even the tomatoes won't set fruit! Tons of blossoms, but no tomatoes. That will change, too.
Honeybera ♥♥♥
No chance of revival, but I even watered that! And I'll put in another order today with Annie's for another one, which will be arriving on Sept. 22. That will give me time to plant all the others in bigger pots. 
I believe that it was in the late 1960s or early 1970s out at the Ranch where I'd come 100 miles to visit and admire MD's new garage cabinets. 
They come often when I wake up, an understanding, an awareness of how I got to be me, and how MD created it in me, beginning in my infancy and winding and weaving throughout my life like some ugly, painful, mysterious thread woven deeply into my miserable life. In fact, it's an abiding strand so intertwined with my original makeup that the only way to dislodge it is to UNDERSTAND it and move on, and isn't that what "forgiveness" is all about?