Letting go

[Progress]

Aw honeybera, you have a lot going on. You are handling it like a champ. What else can you do but keep on keeping on, right?

I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I broke a toe yesterday. It’s NOTHING as bad as a massive gout flare up, but I understand the frustration of trying to do things. For me it’s more of an annoyance, as I can get by with limping, and limping avoids the pain. But to have no choice but to face excruciating pain. Ugh!! That’s horrible.

I hope you get that gout back under control and the rest of healing goes well. Good luck with DS and his work schedule too!!

Progress

[honeybera]

Hey Progress! Always good to hear from you! I hope that your broken toe (OUCH!!!) is mending nicely. Nothing worse than to become non-ambulatory and have to hop around the house on your "good foot"! May you find healing and comfort and get back to normal ASAP. ♥♥♥

I already answered you, but it got erased before I could send it. Sorry about that.

An anterior margin was focally positive. On genetic testing through Myriad's myRisk panel from 6/20/2022, patient is found to have a mutation of TP53. Large post-operative seroma was removed earlier today.

I am getting overwhelmingly tired of people telling me that "if you have to have cancer, yours is the one to have". Oh really? Well, how come I keep getting/choosing the short straw when they vehemently tell me that the "chance of having" this or that is RARE, maybe a chance of 2-30%, in other words a 70-98% chance of NOT having whatever, but EVERY FRIGGIN' TIME I'm getting the short straw. I now find that I do NOT have the cancer causing gene mutations in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes (which is a rare gene to have, but somewhat common), but I have an even more rare gene called TP53 (yes, it rhymes! ) that is exceptionally rare and can interfere with radiation therapy and other therapies. And it's inherited! Thanks, MD!! From the grave this woman nails me!! I now need to speak to a Genetic Counselor. Does it ever end???????!

Also, although I'm not sure of infection status quite yet, I did develop a seroma (see above on my Oncologist's report, and yes, I do read them religiously), and my surgeon drained about 1 cup of "fluid" out of my breast (215 ml) using a fine needle. Didn't hurt; my breast is still very numb from the recent surgery, and my breast felt MUCH better afterwards...and having a seroma is relatively rare, too. The surgeon said so. "We don't usually see this." A sample has been "sent to the lab" and we should know the results...when?? So again: SHORT STRAW DRAWN!

And let's top the whole thing off with that little quick mention of the anterior (front) margin being "focally positive".

From 499 patients [in a study] included, 212 (43%) had negative, 161 (32%) had close, 59 (12%) had focally positive, and 67 (13%) had extensively positive margins. - pubmed dot ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28688723/

So I have a mere 12% of a chance of mine being considered that they just didn't get it all ("focally positive"), BUT BUT BUT that little TP53 gene is in the way of my getting any form of RECURRENCE treatment (radiation, hormonal, or chemo). How's that for combining the worst scenario with an even WORSE scenario...and then telling me not to worry. Oy vey! AND that they'll "let me know" in their own sweet time, maybe mid-August sometime. They did finally give me some antibiotics just in case. (GOOD!! FINALLY!!! This flared up over the July 4th weekend when no one was around and I, the patient, didn't count when compared to a juicy hot dog fresh off the grill and a brewsky, and not even afterwards, not until yesterday! My pleas for some antibiotics were simply ignored. People with bc surgery "don't usually" need them. But hey, it's ME, the SHORT straw drawing lady!)

The gout pain has me in a wheelchair borrowed at the doctor's offices site to be wheeled around more quickly to the myriad of doctor's appointments, both current and upcoming, so I am sort of thinking of buying one. Who knows whose butt has been in the one I'm borrowing? Eww! Icky poo! I'm sure that if I had one in the trunk of my car to have DS wheel me around in IF I cannot walk by myself for whatever reason, it would be a plus.

In addition to all of the above complaints, we are being attacked by ants (a yearly summertime endeavor by the persistent ants) due to the unwashed dishes (should be able to fix that today with improved gout pain). Temps have been not too bad for here (every day right around 100ºF+ - not as bad as Phoenix, but close - really close!), but I've been able to water enough to keep my plants alive (thank heavens! it's been a real struggle). And today they are "resealing the blacktop" in front of our house.

I FINALLY ordered my new Birdie's Raised Beds, the 8-in-1 tall, in beige, not my first choice, but not bad either. It is in stock ATM, so I grabbed two of them. My pups have totally destroyed the old cheap "cedar" raised beds (#1, #2, and #3) by digging in them and they are collapsing, just falling apart. The BIRDIE'S Raised Beds are made of steel:

The raised beds are made from a high quality Aluzinc steel/powder coated steel sheeting and this quality ensures durability and longevity under all environmental conditions. Birdies Modular Raised Garden Beds are Australia’s No.1

I've been wanting these beds for a LONG, LONG TIME. I was going to get one in green mist, but they sold out too quickly, like within hours! So this time I'm grabbing them in beige. They are about 3 feet tall, approx. 6" taller than my old beds (so I can save my back!), and I'm going to create the 43"x83" version of them and set them up nearby my WOW so I am constantly reminded during the scorching summers to get out there and water! I've taken to leaving the hose ON at the hose bib with the shutoff valve on the wand sprinkler left on so I don't have to walk over and shut it off every time. Walking has been hideously painful lately and to even save that many steps is a true blessing.

I'm yawning as I'm writing this, so I'm going back to bed. AND I'm sending this right away so it doesn't erase, too. Thanks again for checking in with me, Progress. I believe that more than all the pills available and all the radiation in the world or the amount of surgery given doesn't hold a candle to the benefits of the friendships developed on this website. ♥♥♥

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Just a quickie. Foot feels amazingly better!! (Thank God!!) DEATH TO THE ANTS TODAY!! They've taunted me long enough! I'm sure I can stand in one place for that long. Also I'm going to try to plant those poor plants in the hobby room and ignore the pain in my breast (it's still very much there and a bit worse since yesterday, but I'm going back in on Monday to have my surgeon check it) along with the foot pain.

==========(after 9pm)

DS made his famous Chicken and Rice in the instant pot (YUM!) and I had a bowl of it, a BIG bowl, sat down in my chair, and fell OUT instantly after taking my new medications with the TV still blaring. I'm wondering if there's some "easing" component in the new meds. I ZONKED! Back to sleep again now. Why not? I figure that if I am getting my sleep, I probably need it. I can get to the ants and all the rest tomorrow. I did manage to spray their trail during my trip to the kitchen for the Chicken and Rice, so doing the dishes should be easier for me without ants...ideally. We'll see. Foot feels like a bad bruise while putting weight on it (huge improvement!) and breast is itchy, red, and very sore (another huge improvement, believe it or not!)...so I'm on the mend and off to bed. Chair sleeping is not very restful for me. Nighty night...

Honeybera

[Oceantide]

Nice to hear from you, Honeybera, and glad to hear you're on the mend overall! Take care, Oceantide

[honeybera]

Friday late night...Well, that was weird! I couldn't get in here for several attempts and then VOILA! I was in. Weird and scary. I need this site for my sanity and feelings of connection with something, especially something that I've been doing for so long...letting go of MD, and all the people that have helped me with doing just that. God bless every one of you!!!♥

I seem to be trying to kill my plants once again. Although all the temps. here are actually drastically reduced this summer (under 100ºF when the rest of the country is getting our sky-high temps. of 100ºF and OVER), it IS August and for some reason I have some sort of gone back to ignoring their need for water. Forget the fertilizer. I'm not even giving them water! I seem to do this every July and August, and I blame it on the heat, but for here this year there is barely any heat at all. Saying that it's 96ºF in the shade is not saying much! Normally it would be more like 106º! Or worse!! "And it's a dry heat."

====================(Sat. morning 7am)

Wow. I bravely went out to see what my gout pain and my July/August resistance to watering has cost me. It has cost me dearly, BUT I can make it right with what I have left. I forced myself out there, and am I ever glad I did. My strawberries...oh, my poor strawberries. They are hanging on, but barely. As they attempt to send runners (reproduce - and they will), I can capture them in small pots and then plant them anywhere. Those strawberries are real troopers! My Fuji apple tree is gargantuan (SO TALL!!) with HUGE apples (best and sweetest apples I have ever tasted!) It has shaded some of my strawberries (the lucky ones) just enough so I think they might make it. The ones that got more sun...not so much chance with them.

===================(Sunday)

Today I woke up with GOUT PAIN again! I also found out that my cellulitis should have gone away by now. My poor breast has been constantly very warm and pink and very tender/sore, and there's been a lot of "talk to the hand" by all of the doctors. For the last 2½ wks, I've been taking a very dangerous antibiotic to treat it and have had little to no supervision. The internet warns that it can go into blood poisoning "very quickly" and that it should have treated this problem by now, like in 2-3 days. I go tomorrow morning to get a bone density test to see how strong my bones are (osteoarthritis?) for the upcoming radiation therapy. BTW, the proposed radiation weakens the immune system as well and can actually CAUSE a recurrence of some cancers. It's like "throw it at the wall and see if it sticks". They are behaving in a very incompetent manor! They all work in the same building, yet no one knows what the others are doing! So here I sit with a bad case of painful gout (can't walk) and a red breast with discomfort, heat, a low grade fever, and some occasional shooting pains.

Even the genetic counselor told me that what they found was "inconclusive", meaning that I do not have the typical "inherited cancer gene" (YAY!), BUT the oddball one I do have doesn't fit my family history nor does it even behave like it should...so <shoulder shrug>. So what does THAT mean?? The genetic counselor was struggling to describe all this to me at one point, saying how the cancer-affected cell's DNA is repaired by the TP53 gene and if that's not possible, it triggers cell death (which is what is confusing them so - do I have a mutation of that gene or don't I?) when I piped up and said, "OH! You mean apoptosis!" and she nearly plotzed! "YOU know what apoptosis is?!" I said, "Well, yes I do. It's similar to autophagy." Autophagy is more of a natural and ongoing recycling of the cell's components and normal cell death. She said she'd never heard of autophagy.

=======================(Monday)

Still feeling bad. Foot (feet) hurt, sometimes horrifically, causing me to be unable to walk without agony (I thought I was past this...and I should have been!), and my breast, although the scars are healing up, is still very deep pink in one area and is tender and several degrees warmer than the other breast (cellulitis). Overwhelming fatigue and sleepiness, but I can't walk without excruciating pain anyway, so I sleep a lot. I'm going to just get some rest right now. I'm just exhausted from all this constant pain, pain, pain!! It comes in waves.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Nice to hear from you, Honeybera, and glad to hear you're on the mend overall! Take care, Oceantide

Thanks, Oceantide! It's good to hear from you. All I can do right now is to complain about the pain (yes, it rhymes ). Regular Doctor will be calling me at 9am. I'm going to tell him about the cellulitis. The gout is lessening on its own.

Still, I am more fortunate than some, so I am still grateful for all my many blessings. I'm actually going to try some chores today (really tonight - I got up at 5pm ).

Ants are nearly annihilated! YAY!! Some attacked me last night. I had the nerve to set the empty sugar water hummingbird feeder on my carpet to be carried to the hobby room later and refilled. The ants found it and SWARMED it! I'd sprayed where they were coming in from the outside some weeks ago, so they were coming from somewhere in the (soon to be) Storage Room. So I gave it a few spritzes in there. I think they are living in the walls. It's like this every summer here: heat and ants. Heat not too bad this summer, but the ants? UGH!

Time for chores. Not too much. But whatever I can do: doing my pills, mopping bathroom floor and replacing my nice burgundy throw rugs (that Spot loved to do her business on, so I took them up and put down less expensive ones and blocked her way by various means, but Boots and Mittens are completely housebroken, not one mess, so I'm bleach-watering the entire bathroom floor in HOT water, let it dry, and replace my pretty rugs - HALLELUJAH!!), and working on CLEARING OUT the Storage Room (one piece at a time, but it is a cumulative effect) and finishing the laundry.

==============(Wed.)

Watered yard (what's left of it). Did the laundry, put away groceries. If this sounds too pedestrian, I say nay, it's a flippin' miracle!

=============(Thur. - wee hours)

I've already slept. Just fell out in early afternoon and have the luxury of sleeping whenever I want.

I wish I could say right now that MD had no input in shaping me as a person, but she really did. Not in a positive way, either. It's no wonder that I struggle so. Memories constantly return to haunt me, like "washing my hair" meant a form of upside down water torture in the kitchen sink aka waterboarding. I'm not just fussing, either. It was terrifying. And if I did object, she'd beat me. Unmercifully! I simply had to stand there and take it...and then get waterboarded. As I got older, maybe 7 or 8, she'd ALLOW me to cover my face with a washcloth...grudgingly!! But it only helped a little, when combined with the deep sink and me standing on a chair in a completely upside down position. To try to rear back up, gasping, would bring a claw like hand to the back of my neck and a SHARP SHOVE back down even deeper into the sink, even lifting my feet off the chair as I balanced on my stomach as I leaned over the sink, head down, and some nasty words were hurled at me, warning me to "hold still" through gritted teeth. I was still an only child (until I was 10) and she only did this when my father was out on "service calls" in the evening. No one heard me sputtering and gasping for air. No one came to help me. I was all alone with the Monster, she was upset, and I was powerless. That's what my childhood was like, from toddler to teen.

By the time my father would come home, I'd be in bed. It was always that way. She controlled my time with him at dinner time and then "put me to bed". Oh...dinnertime! A nice meal was always on the table, all 3 of us sitting there, eating it around the typical 1950s style kitchen table, just like the sitcoms on TV...but as soon as I took even one bite, she'd POUNCE!! "THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE EATING!!!!" and she'd go into this ridiculous routine of opening and shutting her mouth dramatically, mocking me. Once she even said, "DON'T EAT WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!!" and I laughed at her stupid statement and so did my Dad. How would you eat with an empty mouth? (There's the autism, even back then. So literal.) I'll bet my hair was "dirty" that night after he went out on service calls.

One of the things I really enjoyed about my friend N when he was here was how he ate. He really ENJOYED his food! He smacked his lips and smiled while he ate. Where he came from, they didn't even use utensils. He'd grab his unleavened bread or some rice, combine it in his plate with other foods, scoop it up in his hand, pile it in his mouth with a smile, and smack, smack, smack! It made me feel good just watching him eat! He's one of the few people I would feel comfortable eating in front of because there was never any judgement...GUARANTEED! NONE! Even now, I eat alone. It is my preference. I don't mind, in fact, I enjoy it more, but when my friend was here, I ate with him.

So MD did have a lasting influence on me, no matter how I try to deny it. I can forgive (let it go...somewhat), but the forget, not so much. It's ingrained in me. Ridicule my behavior early on and now it brings on avoidance. Shame me and tell me I'm stupid and ugly, and I'll believe it to the core of my being, even when it's proven to me to be untrue. My first semester in college was a real eye-opener for me: straight A's, all subjects! I was floored! "That wasn't so hard.", I thought, amazed. I graduated with honors with my AS degree, right on my diploma, and that's when MD descended on my graduation ceremony, let my then 4 yr. old daughter run up on stage in the middle of the ceremony, and then lured me out into the parking lot directly afterwards, stalling until I'd missed the after-ceremony party. Thanks MD. Not exactly June Cleaver (Leave It To Beaver).

All the stress lately of breast cancer and all the complications thereof that few people have to endure, even with breast cancer, the gout pain during all of this and the inability to walk even to the kitchen for something to eat nor the garden to water my plants during the heat of the summer (most are now dead or nearly dead), the (now waning) pandemic, the political situation currently, the condition of my house that I am overwhelmed by...(even if I got a wheelchair, I could not use it in here as it is right now, and all DS does is work at his job!), all of this stress is beginning to get to me.

I go today to see the surgeon who probably will want to "drain" my breast again with a big old honking needle (syringe) as well as change my medication. She says this new drug is really good and is the best for cellulitis, and she didn't give it to me already because IT COSTS A LOT! OMG! WHAT?? )...but this may not even be cellulitis. It may be lymphedema! Or maybe not. I feel like I'm in the middle of a big circle of doctors, each one spinning me around, shouting a different thing at me, but reminding me that any decision made could cost me my life! I'M POOPED! I'M TIRED! I MAY EVEN BE DEPRESSED! Pain, constant pain, and all kinds of new drugs to take and new tests to be done and new doctors to see, can do that to me, TO ANYONE! I'm about to get off this train...just get my breast healed up first and then we'll talk. SHEESH!!

Thank God I have you guys to talk to. I could not be more alone than right now.

=================(Thursday late afternoon)

Saw the surgeon today. We still don't know if it's cellulitis (now) or lymphedema, but we'll treat it for cellulitis anyway. She's giving me the "gold standard" for the staph infection, @ Costco w/GoodRx discount $41.99, but at Walgreen's w/GoodRx $878.90!! Quite a difference and it justifies the need to shop around! No need to drain anything today with those big needles and no anesthetic (thank God!), and she says the benefits of the "treatments" for cancer only would improve my chances of no recurrence by 3%. Mine were very small tumor(s) and were caught early, so I may end up with no radiation, no chemo, and only possible hormonal therapy, mostly due to my age and my attitude/preferences. I may also get Physical Therapy...with a breast massage! This just couldn't get any more crazy!! We'll see if we'll need any of that PT. I hope not.

Right now I'm falling asleep in my computer chair. I guess I'm going to bed at 5pm tonight. Maybe 6pm. Lots to do in the house, but it will all have to wait until tomorrow. I'm surprisingly ok with that. No guilt, no shame...I'm just tired tonight and that's ok.

NEWS FLASH! I called my health insurance and they said that my copay on that ridiculously expensive prescription will only be $5.00! WONDERFUL! Off to bed now.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Monday 8/15
Where has this month gone?! I know I said that it's been relatively cool here on the surface of the sun, but I think it was just waiting for the upcoming heatwave to hit. 105ºF for several days in a row...but this is normal for here. It's usually like that for the entire months of July and August. So are the ants invading inside to retrieve darned near anything.

================(Tues. 3am)

Gout pain has returned with a vengeance. Woke me up from a dead sleep. But this time I'm ready for it. Tart Cherry Juice concentrate (liquid or pill form), Celery (stuffed with pimento cheese or a nut butter, optional) or celery seed pills, ibuprofen or Tylenol (either one extra strength), and a nice underfoot exercise roll with my pink, slightly bumpy-lumpy textured, hourglass shaped thingy (that's the scientific name for it ). These methods have little to no side effects and yet are extremely helpful. Just sayin'. It's already feeling better, thank heavens!

Now it being 3am and all, my mind begins to wander as I wait for the gout pain to subside a little, and as it often does, it goes back to my childhood and even my adulthood and how MD fit in to all of it. What would have happened IF...? I can also see what she had in mind (outside of my simple role as an anchor baby, as in married at 16, kid at 17, fantasy marriage), but I honestly don't think that, at 17, she'd thought it through. My father went off to work every day and she was left stuck with this "ugly female child". It's no wonder that she resented me. She could have gone to work with my father! (He owned his own business...always.) If I'd only been a boy, life would be a dream in her immature eyes. She would often tell me (as she was hitting me while I was forced to stand on a chair at the ages of 1½-5 yrs. old) how UGLY I was, and why couldn't I be "pretty, like her"?! She did this all my life. Well, not the chair, but I vividly remember her saying that to me while she grabbed my face to pointed it towards the big mirror in the bathroom when I was 16, and all the unforgivable and cruel taunts during my middle school years. Heck, I didn't need a bully "online" as it is now. I had one right there at home! Once she even gave me "Mamie Eisenhower bangs" (super short, so I'd be ridiculed at school) as a punishment with a pair of scissors, and she was gleeful as she did it. My "bangs" were cut to about 1" short!! There are many, MANY things she did to humiliate me, and it worked!

But who I am never really changed much. I really am who I am...but she did influence me. She said I was ugly when I wasn't, called me fat LONG before I ever was. She treated me as competition, even "the other woman", and never embraced me as her child. Only my Grandpa gave me solace and a soft place to land where I felt wanted, loved, and cared for. He thought I was great. He was retired and my Grandma was still working as a CPA. She had the most beautiful, delicate handwriting, each letter or number exquisitely clear and easy to read in the big ledgers she'd bring home and lay across the huge dining room table. She had an old Singer sewing machine with a pedal foot drive (now a rare antique, but then it was just Grandma's sewing machine) and she was a good seamstress, too. I think she must have encouraged/taught MD how to sew, too, but when it came time for me to learn, MD turned it into another humiliating experience for me by stealing my hard-earned money raised by selling tomatoes around the neighborhood all summer and "sharing" it with The Twins, my best friends, who MD was babysitting for that summer. We decided to learn to sew, and we all went to Sears with MD, bought the patterns and materials all the same to match each other, but when it came time to sew, MY DRESS was the one MD demonstrated on...and she eventually just finished it. She told me that she wanted MY dress to be perfect and that I'd just mess it up, so I sat there observing as the Twins proudly learned how to sew. After that, their mother bragged that they made all their own school clothes. Me? I never tried again.

For MD didn't just abuse me with her hands and fists and anything else she could find to hit me with. No, she mentally abused me, too, and it never stopped until I simply walked away from her at over 70 yrs. old, disgusted by her lifelong rejection of me. She never changed. Mean from beginning to the end at 91. DB didn't even let me know she was dying. Even he didn't see her much in her nursing home during the pandemic. He could have since she was put on Hospice care by him (some legal mumbo-jumbo - he had them take over her care, but she was not in the Hospice. She was in another building entirely) and those folks in the Hospice (or under Hospice care, as MD was) were allowed to see their relatives, but I was NOT invited. Not back then. Not with BOTH battling Queen Bees (MD and SIL) still alive. So I simply left after 7 LONG decades of abuse to avoid any more abuse of me. Nuts to them! AND THAT IS ME!!

So am I a latent seamstress? A potentially great housekeeper? No, not really. I never go to a beauty shop, don't get my nails done, can't even stand to get dressed! (Love those muumuus! ) When my hair gets too long, I just blunt cut several inches off my ponytail with scissors. There are no laws on the books regarding hair or clothing except nudity, so who cares? And can I trace that back to MD and her treatment of me? Damn right! Sure can!! Told repeatedly, GROUND INTO ME, "You're too stupid, too ugly, too fat..." and so on did have its effects on me. "OMG! LOOK AT YOU!! YOU'RE DEFORMED!!" when I finally began to gain weight in my 30s. I still fight those old demons that MD installed in me from Day One on this earth.

But what I did do was claw my way out of 25 yrs. of poverty, drove a transit bus for over 25 yrs. after that, and became a homeowner and paid off my home 10 yrs. early! I also raised my 3 kids virtually alone, with no sisters or brothers or mothers or fathers or grandparents on either sides of the families involved helping me, not even the kid's own fathers! I was ON MY OWN! And I did that, raised them all by myself. How I did that I'll never know! My oldest son was no picnic to raise. But he turned out alright.

When we were a Welfare family living in the Projects, we were the ONLY family running a store out of our apartment, one unit out of 168 potential customers, selling ice creams, candy, sodas to the entire neighborhood. I did that so we could afford those things for my own family and it worked out just fine. ODS was around 16 at the time, DD was 6, and they liked their treats enough to help run the "store" for us, and "eating up the profits" was absolutely allowed. Want a soda? A Mars bar, Baby Ruth, whatever? All kinds of ice cream, too, and the really good kinds. We went to a regular wholesale warehouse to buy the stuff, and it was sort of fun. Management finally shut us down after several years, but I still think that it was good for my kids. They never wanted for treats, that's for sure.

So yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself. I can honestly say that I did my best with the hand I was dealt. I'd better get going now. Foot feels a little better, so I think I'll go do some work in the kitchen.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Whew!! 105ºF today!! I just (FINALLY!!!!) went out into the yard and did some things: watered what was left out there, moved some old, dilapidated pots that the dogs had torn up off to the side so I wouldn't trip on them, trimmed up the Fuji apple tree so I could get by it, and cut back a TON of whippy weeds, some of which were attempting to climb into my storage room window (evil plants those!!) by getting little vines under the window screen! Busy girl today!

I also realized that ALL my strawberries are NOT DEAD. Oh, they looked so brown and lifeless the other day, but I watered them anyway and now my two middle planters have nice green strawberry plants in them. So resilient! To the other two tall planters on either end of the row of strawberry planters I will simply add more planting soil mixed with worm castings and some fish emulsion "tea" and wait for the other healthy plants to grow and begin to spread runners which are nothing but perfect little new plants which can be sort of "harvested" and put into the refurbished planters on the ends. I've had them out there for so many years I forget what variety of strawberries they are, but I do remember that those two middle ones have different varieties in them, so I'll just plant them as they were, with one variety in the first two planters and the other variety in the other two. I have lost nothing! YAY!!

Also, DB called ME today! Just to see how I was doing. WOW! And here I thought he was "ghosting" me. But he apparently wasn't. Really nice to know. He and DS are the only ones not completely abandoning me. I was really beginning to feel down about it. Not depressed really, just listless and fed up. More irked than tearful. Okay, maybe a little bit tearful. But the phone call gave me enough of a lift as to get me out into the yard for some time to do WAY overdue chores out there. Now I have to finish up some dishes in the kitchen and do some planting (WAY overdue!!!).

============(Still Tues. 7pm)

That was a LOT of work for me lately. Now I'm falling asleep in my chair again. Senior moments! All else can wait until tomorrow. There's always something to do.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Yesterday I watered my yard. ALL of my yard. The mosquitoes got me on my legs and ankles, but it was worth it. I need to NOT water or even go out there in the evenings! That will require some self discipline. I'm working on it. All of my plants on the table are struggling to survive my lack of care (even water in super hot times, like now), but they are hanging in there. My strawberries (in at least 2 of the 5 tall planters) are hanging in there despite me. Several nice, healthy, green, and perky strawberry plants were there to greet me. There are no more blossoms or berries, and I'm not surprised by that. I don't deserve their loyalty and bravery, but I'm grateful for it. Oh, I found an old pink plastic plant marker that tells me that one strawberry planter is the Albion variety. It was so old and fragile that when I tried to place it in the ground, it broke in half in my hand. But that planter, and all the little strawberry plants that come from it, are Albions. Good to know.

The leaves on my Rubinette apple tree (pollinator for my Fuji apple) are paper dry, very light green, but it's not dead yet...YET. Or at least I'm hoping so. It would not have lasted many more days, and it may be too late already. Even the weeds are dead from lack of water. The tabletop plants nearly bought the farm, too. Some definitely did, but some are hanging in there. I need to get into the habit of WATERING. Not even fertilizer is completely necessary, but WATER is!! I'm hoping that we've seen our final heat wave , but I could be wrong. Amazingly for this region, known for its ridiculous H-E-A-T in both July and August and often into September, it hasn't been that bad this year, but most of last week was WELL over 100ºF! And no water for my plants. My bad! I sat inside in my a/c house at 78ºF in comfort as I watched my plants die in breathtaking heat, blossoms fade and then droop, then the entire plant becomes stick like and dead brown. Still in their 4" pots from the nursery. What is WRONG with me???

Until yesterday. I FORCED myself to go out there and water!! Couldn't manage to do so until nearly sundown. Made the mosquitoes happy, I can tell you that! Serves me right! I'm afraid to go look to see if my Rubinette is still with us today. Apparently my Fuji doesn't really need a pollinator. You should see that GIANT of a tree (supposedly a "dwarf" - ha!) with a TON of apples on it without ANY water this entire summer! Amazing!

I need help out there...and even in here. I know that. Some things I need to do out there are beyond my strength and capabilities, but I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to ask. I'm only good (at this time) for an hour or so out there. A good handyman won't want to come back day after day when I poop out, but that's exactly what I need. I need to trim my trees, build my new Birdy's raised beds, currently just sitting out in the garage taking up space, then dump in all the tree trimmings (it's a compost thing) to be completely filled with fresh raised bed "soil" and "compost", all of which I have already. That's just ONE task. There are MANY more! In addition, I have all those garage items in my front room (HUGE 50# bag of rice hulls, TWO 30# bags of worm castings, and so on), and SO MANY other things just sitting in my front room (and now blocking me in my kitchen, too) that need assembly.

And come to think of it the garage needs the same thing! ALL of the 5 BIG black metal shelves that surround my garage walls, all loaded with MOSTLY UNKNOWN STUFF that my daughter had my DS put up there in 2008 so she could move into the front room (actually a Great Room with curved windows and walls - really big and really nice). Now, however, the rats and mice (at one time long ago) got in the garage and made a real mess of things. All the contents on the plywood shelves themselves have to be cleared off and sorted through (although I don't think there's much to be saved), those shelves have to be bleach watered to disinfect (due to ancient rat poop), dried, and then painted with the spray cans of Antique White RustOLeum that I already bought, THEN bleach water the metal shelves, placing the newly painted wooden shelves into the freshly bleach watered black metal shelves...and then I can begin placing the filled clear plastic storage bins in my hallway filled with bedding and Ziploc storage items and so on onto the newly refreshed shelves! And then I can buy more 71 qt. clear plastic bins with lids (they fit perfectly on the shelves) to empty out much of what is stored all over in my house: gardening supplies, more bedding from the front room, glass Mason jars of all sizes, and so on. All stuff that cannot be hurt with high temps in the summertime. We don't get that cold around here in Winter.

DS would do it. He doesn't even like to garden NOR to assemble items for me, and is more than ready to quit after one hour. He will do it, however, if asked. But they're still working DS like crazy and that leaves him with no time for me, especially when he just wants to flop down on his bed and SLEEP after working sometimes 16 hour days! Understandable!! That's a 4 hour split shift (2 hours am, 2 hours pm, 9am-3pm, barely time for a short nap) and then a 12 hr. overnight several nights a week. Plus they may call him in at any time "in an emergency" if someone didn't show up or is sick. He was supposed to have this weekend off (for a change) and they called him yesterday afternoon for an additional overnight shift. He did it, but he's getting afraid to answer his phone! I don't think that this is a proper time to overburden him with a request to help his mom! He feels loyalty to both family and work. I don't want to be the one who shoves him mentally over the edge. But then nothing gets done, either!

As I write this, I'm figuring it out, too. First things first. I need to address the garage first. I need to connect with someone (NOT DS!) who can tear down those two sets of shelves: take off all boxes (I can sort them out), remove the wooden shelf parts, wash off and then bleach water the wooden shelves, dry them (or let God dry them ), spray paint them, let that dry (shouldn't take long), bleach water the black metal frames and wipe down (while everything else is drying), and reassemble the whole thing! DONE! Then one entire side of the garage would be ready for putting in the plastic bins! OH HECK YEAH!!! And for that a handyman would be ideal. And no need to disassemble the black metal shelf frames, just a good cleaning of them instead (and painting of the wooden shelves). Then if he's done a good job on those, we can start on the other three shelves on the other side of the garage. I can plan all this, but doing it all by myself would be impossible. I can't even lift ONE of those empty wooden plywood shelves out of the frame! And there are 5 individual shelves to one set of shelves, and 5 of those sets altogether in my garage. TONS of storage out there, once cleaned up. Each shelf is 4' long and 2' deep. So 20' long for all 5 shelves. And no more Mystery Boxes, either! Everything "kept" will be in clear plastic! I'll be able to see everything at a glance! What a delight!

I also need to work on the Storage Room, too. All non-perishables (and non-meltables) to the garage, but all food items to the Storage Room. That includes most kitchen appliances and even gadgets. Baking pans, slow cooker, Excalibur dehydrator, bread machines (can be loaded in the kitchen and baked in the Storage Room). I can do most of that...ONCE the Storage Room is done and the roll top desk is out of there. I have to reassure myself that once I let that desk go, if I regret doing that (which I won't, but just saying that IF I do), I can always buy a new one. IT CAN BE REPLACED!! I'd rather have the space, but if I ever changed my mind, I could. Why would I though? Moving all of these things to the Storage Room will help with clearing out my kitchen! I'll have my kitchen table back!!! OMG YES!!! I won't have to stand for every chore anymore until my back is screaming.

==================(later in the day - Sunday evening)

I'm shocked that I'm still up. I'm being attacked by enthusiastic dogs craving my attention as only these two can do. Boots yaps at me while Mittens gives me that soulful look while staring at me woefully and obediently sitting. How can I resist her? She's so pretty! And old Bootsy is SO insistent! If I pet Mittens before Boots, Boots will bite her back legs, but if Boots is first, the much heavier Mittens just LEANS up against Boots and gently shoves her aside and pushes her away. I am the prize. SO glad I got these girls! They keep me sane sometimes!

DS just got called into work again! He got his schedule: 4 days positive for those 16 hr. days for this upcoming week + possible "emergency" work on top of it. Good grief! But DS's boss says that he knows he needs to hire more people and that he's trying to. Yeah, right. I've been belly aching about this for months now! And he still hasn't done anything about it. I also have a doctor's appt. on Thursday, which means that if he's going with me (and he hasn't missed even one yet), he'll get NO SLEEP for a 24 hr. period - and then will have to work that night, too. Terrible! But I've encouraged him to say NO until I'm blue in the face, and now I'm steeled to just listen to his complaints and being his soft place to land and otherwise to be quiet about it. When he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, he'll do something about it.

I just bought some new plants. I hope I can be better to them than I have been to the others. I need a back yard makeover. I have most of the stuff needed already, but just not the energy at 75 with too many health issues. Slowly the health issues are leaving. Now it's time to get more active before it's too late. I keep reflecting on some of the old ancient MD issues, but more and more keep coming up with the fact of how dead they really are by now. Did they shape me? Well, of course. But if I allow those old issues to continue to let me avoid my own current issues right now (for there will always be issues of one kind or another), how on earth can that help me? I'm not just healing up from bc surgery or a major gout flare. I'm healing up still from MD. Those scars go soul deep and are really tough to heal.

Time to put my dogs in the pen and get to bed myself. I'm fasting beautifully and eating well. Blood sugars are good. The pitting edema went away (FINALLY!), the gout is gone, the cellulitis is fading fast. All is right with the world. I'm trying hard to keep on keeping on.

Honeybera

[Oceantide]

I'm fasting beautifully and eating well. Blood sugars are good. The pitting edema went away (FINALLY!), the gout is gone, the cellulitis is fading fast. All is right with the world.

Beautiful! I'm exhausted just reading how productive you are! Glad to hear that your spirits are high and your health is improving, Honeybera!