“I hate myself”

[NINGirl]

Hi Chessgirl,

I’ve found myself repeating things similar, for me it was more often when I was younger... I also had an obsession with repeating non-negative phrases, almost like mantras. There was this specific field that had two horses in it and every time we’d drive by it I’d repeat “Holy horses, holy field” in my head over and over and over while I just stared out the window at them.

I tend to be super critical of myself and sometimes I do catch myself muttering self-deprecating things. When I catch myself I try to remind myself that I’m okay and that I’m human and it’s okay to just be... Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense, but I wanted to comment as I appreciated your post.

[Chessgirl]

Thank you NINgirl
It always helps to hear of someone else who experiences this. It is a little frightening at times when I feel I don’t have a lot of control over it. I like the idea of repeating positive mantras. Maybe if I do that more , the negative words will lesson. I appreciate your input!

[quixote]

Chessgirl,
The term, old tape, comes to mind. It could be something that was said to you, over and over. You can break the cycle, but it takes some practice. When you do something well, give yourself credit.

[Chessgirl]

Quixote

Thank you for this! Yeah I looked up “old tapes” in psychology and it does sound like what I’m experiencing! The thing is sometimes it’s hard to control, I mean it’s super automatic. This morning for example I was having a nice day with my baby smiling and playing with her, and the words “go kill yourself” popped into my head and I whispered to myself “go kill youself” like 3 times. I wasn’t in a bad mood or angry about anything. These words just showed up and caused me to say this to myself. I’d like to stop myself from these words but they happen involuntarily… it does sound a lot like old tapes deeply ingrained in my head perhaps.

[gods_child]

Chessgirl,

I find I feel and say this to myself at times. Sometimes I do it when I see myself as having failed or in a perpetual state of failure as a wife, mom, friend, and/or employee. I feels those words strongest and most consistently after I engage in certain activities that I don't know I can bring myself to say, especially not so publicly. But yes, I think such hurtful things about myself more than I care to at the moment. I realize it isn't healthy, but I'm also not changing my behavior so I guess the self hatred and self loathing may continue for a while. Thank you for your honesty and transparency in posting this topic. I hope you and your little one are well.

- gc