Replaying the words in my head

[Chessgirl]

I’m working on it but I’m really so insecure, and just riddled with anxiety. Anxiety and insecurity and fear in my relationships. My husband frequently tells me he thinks I feel unworthy or that I don’t deserve the nice life I have today. I finally have a loving husband who treats me with respect and I just stopped cheating on him a couple years ago.. looking back I don’t know how the hell I did it. Why I did it. I cheated on him with men I would never want to be with. It’s truly as if I was trying to sabotage the beautiful life and family I made with my husband. I didn’t want to be with those men, I just didn’t feel comfortable with the happiness and stability and I guess I needed chaos and destruction. Anyway, I haven’t cheated in a long time. I haven’t drank or done any pills in almost a year. I’m doing better but I still have to sit with the uncomfortable feeling of happiness and stability and love. It feels so wrong for me.

I often replay the things my mother would tell me in my head. It keeps me up at night. One thing she told me when I was adult during a conversation with me was “IF you are ever lucky enough to be married one day” so to her, no one could ever actually love me and if I ever were to get married it would be by luck. I don’t know if she actually believed that or what, but I did. I have always believed that if anything good ever happened to me it would have to be by pure luck. That’s sort of how I feel now I’m my marriage. That I got lucky, not that my husband actually fell in love and chose me because I was worthy and desirable to him. I feel sometimes like I trapped him or manipulated him into being with me because how could anyone actually love me? I don’t know I just feel like an imposter sometimes, like I’m not really the person who deserves all this good stuff I have. Like I’m pretending like I am but that I’m really not ? I’m not sure if I’m even making sense. I just wish I thought more highly or myself and that i could say for certain that I knew I deserved love and happiness. I want to model that for my girls. I want to have confidence in my relationships and not worry that I’m going to get left in the dust and my whole world will fall as part. I still fear my husband will get tired of me and take ny girls and leave. I don’t want to have these anxieties anymore. Sorry to ramble so much here.

[Oceantide]

Dear Chessgirl,

Listening and caring. I'm sorry for all the difficult words in your head and am glad you shared them. I'm sorry your mother said what she said to you. That's horrible! You are very caring and very worthy of love and happiness in your family. I know it's harder to believe it. But I still want to say it. You deserve love. Sending gentle hugs (if wanted), Oceantide

[Chessgirl]

Thank you for reassuring and comforting me oceantide! It helps to hear such kind words.

[Progress]

Aw Chessgirl,
They really messed with our heads, didn’t they? I totalllllly get it. For once, I’m in a relationship where I’m not hiding the real me. I’m not acting. I can be emotionally vulnerable. We are each other’s #1. And for the life of me I can’t understand why he loves me. My guy is friends with this couple. She explained to me recently that my guy adores me. And for the life of me I can’t understand why. I just don’t understand it. Deep deep down I don’t feel lovable or worthy of being loved. And wow do I totally relate to how you feel like an imposter.
Deep down I feel like, at some point my guy is going to just get sick of putting up with me and all my flaws, and especially of putting up with my trauma symptoms. I’ve even asked him, Don’t you think you’re better off going down to the local grocery store and chattin it up with some single babe in the produce aisle? He just laughs. I mean, I know he loves me. And we talk about the future and what our plans are down the road, so I *know* he loves me and it’s for forever. But I still have those parts in my communication room that hurt and feel unlovable.

Oh Chessgirl, you deserve your wonderful life! It’s great how you’ve recognized that you were sabotaging yourself. That there’s a part of you that just doesn’t feel comfortable with happiness, just because it’s so unfamiliar. But I think by recognizing it, you are doing the work! And omg, you’ve done sooooo much awesome work already. Amazing. Really. That’s amazing. I think we will always have to recognize and respect those parts that don’t think we deserve love, and gently remind ourselves that yes, yes in fact we do!

Idk if I’m really offering much more than support and validation after my 7 page essay haha. But Chessgirl I know you deserve every bit of goodness and happiness that comes your way! You are lovable! You deserve happiness! It’s not just dumb luck that got you where you are! Your mother was WRONG and a jerk. It’s your intrinsic value and super hard work and your work ethic that got you where you are! You deserve the love you have!!!
<3
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[Chessgirl]

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I just now saw your reply for some reason. Thank you so much for responding and making me feel so lovable and worthy. It also helps knowing I’m not alone in feeling like my husband could go off and just find someone “better”. Sounds like your partner loves you so very much though and I can understand why, as you are a very loving and special person. You deserve love and happiness too. You are not an imposter at all! Thank you for helping me see my intrinsic value and offering so much kindness and support!

[Progress]

Oh Chessgirl, don’t make me cry now! Heh heh.

Thank you for supporting me back on your own post. I happen to be standing up for myself today, on an issue between me and my guy where I don’t think he is making us a united front. I always heard it’s healthy to “circle the wagons”, with you and your partner in the middle of the wagons when tricky issues come up. It means you are united, you are protecting yourselves behind your wagons. Together. We are two separate people, with different thoughts and opinions sometimes, and that’s cool and normal, but I believe he needs to change one of his opinions (and actions) for the health of our relationship. So I’m actually fighting for what I think is healthy! For me! (And him!) How about that. There’s a part of me that feels safe enough to ask for something big. So that I will feel loved and respected, and so that we will be a team, facing obstacles side by side, together.

But, as you know, that part or several parts that feel undeserving and unlovable and insecure can rear their ugly heads at any time!

If those feelings take over, I will immediately go I to FAWN and practically beg to be a doormat. And, like you said there is an uncomfortableness to feeling happy. Being a doormat will actually feel familiar and comfortable. Ugh.

Omg, Chessgirl I am talking and talking about myself. We are worthy of love! We all are!!! Our parents were mean and jerks and they were wrong!

Sending all my good thoughts and caring!
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