am i the same ?

[xxwonderousxx]

I come from a very abusive past -- i didn't even realize it was some type of abuse or maybe i didn't want to believe it. this person i was with was very emotionally, mentally and financially abusive towards me-- sometimes it got physical. not to the point where he would leave markings on my skin but there was a lot of pushing and grabbing or he would pin me against the wall and yell as loud as he could....

now i am struggling to let go of my defensive mechanisms. I'm in a very healthy relationship with someone i feel like i don't deserve because he is the most kindest and most pure human being i have ever met. he knows very well - where i come from and what i have been through but its been really hard for me to put my defenses down. i yell or get so angry when i don't have a reason to be. he does not disrespect me in any way yet i feel like i have to constantly have my guards up. i yell, push him or say I'm leaving. when i finally cool down i realize what i have done and just have this overwhelming feeling of shame, regret and guilt. i then realize I'm becoming exactly who i ran away from . how do i break this cycle?? how do i tell myself in the most heated moments. it is okay to talk not yell. it is okay to not have your hands up ready to fight back. how do i clear my mind when all i see is red.

is it fear and anger that I'm feeling or am i just a bad person?
i don't want to lose my partner. he makes me the happiest i have ever been but why cant i stop. i don't want to hurt him...he doesn't deserve the disrespect.... i hate myself sometimes for it. he says its okay i am forgiven but i cant even forgive myself. how do i break this cycle????

[Progress]

Hi xxwonderousxx,
I’m sorry for what you experienced in your past, and so glad you found a supportive, emotionally healthy partner.

It took me a long time to recover and heal from domestic violence. And I think it’s actually an ongoing process. I still slip back into old habits and behaviors sometimes, especially because I have to co-parent with my abuser. And he is still a snake. Heck he is still taking advantage of me financially, and harassing me in insidious little ways.

I don’t think you are a bad person! You have self-awareness and you want to change your behaviors that you are not happy with. And you’re here on this site! You are taking action. Taking that step. And it sounds like your husband is very kind and forgiving.

Idk much about techniques to calm myself down out of a rage. It maybe sounds like you go into “Fight” mode in the Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn response to perceived threats. And you say it’s hard for you to put your defenses down. Be kind to yourself, of course it’s hard to put your defenses down after what you’ve been through.

In the here and now, you say you don’t have a reason to be angry and yelling. But there could easily be some trigger, some tiny little similarity or something, that you don’t even notice, that bam! Sets you right off into Fight or Flight. I suppose you go into “Fight”, whereas I always went into Freeze, Fawn, and various forms of Flight (like dissociation). I can be massively overwhelmed by some completely unexpected trigger, and fall i to Freeze, where I can barely move my arms and legs. And then I have to mentally explore it so deeply, to figure out what the trigger is, what it reminds me of, and then feel the deep feels (PAIN) so I can process that experience from my past.

Sometimes I have to find a way out of Freeze before I can process. And that hurts. I’m newly diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and the doctor was awesomely trauma-informed. I said I swear fibromyalgia for trauma survivors is getting stuck in Freeze and having to force yourself to move through it. Damn it hurts!

Anyway, as far as pulling yourself out of Fight, if that’s what is going on with you (and I really don’t know! Who am I to say- I’m just some random person on the internet- but I do care!) I just don’t have tips or tricks for calming down out of Fight. I’m more trying to figure out how to return to action from Freeze.

I’m sure there are some smarter folks on here with thoughts and ideas. Your current relationship sounds wonderful, and worth every effort you put in to making it the healthiest it can be.

And on that note, I must sign off and go apologize to My Guy about something I was rather irrational about….

Looking forward to your next post! Be kind and gentle with yourself. Being stuck in hyper vigilance and going into a trauma response is not your fault! It’s a natural reaction to the trauma you suffered. My t would say- does it serve you now? Haha, she gets me every time with that one.

Sending you positive vibes,
Progress

Edited bc I wrote “mice through it” instead of “move through it”

[xxwonderousxx]

Hi Progress,

thanks for the reply :'). it's nice to know that there is someone out there that just gets it and actually took the time to read my post. You may be some random person off the internet but you seem pretty cool.

It's pretty tough out here trying to really understand why we are the way we are. especially when we have no idea what the trigger was. Sometimes i feel like im finding "excuses" for my behavior and i don't really want to talk about it with my partner. i end up sounding like a broken record.

I wish you all the best. Thanks again for taking some time to talk to me and making me feel welcomed and understood

-- xxwonderousxx

p.s. i hope you and your guy made up after whatever you were "irrational" about lol