New Here

[claudiaclaudia]

Hi, I don't want to go into too much detail because this is a public forum, but I wanted to introduce myself. I will go into more details when I feel up to it on a private forum.

I was abused by my mother my entire life until a year ago when I left, though the SA ended a couple years before that. Yes, mothers do that to daughters too, not just sons. A lot of people don't believe that is a real thing which is something she used against me, so it's been very isolating. The abuse began almost from birth, if what some alters in my system have told me is correct. I don't remember. I remember the emotional abuse though, which was bad enough. My dad was the perfect stereotype of the enabling mother who lets her abusive husband grievously hurt their children and pretends nothing is happening and makes excuses for him, except he's a man. He definitely has been abused by her too, but I can't forgive him. He also had other bad parenting problems but I'm too tired to get into that now. He was the "good" one, but the bar was very low. I have been struggling with severe ptsd issues for almost three years, but I didn't realize she had.... I can't say it (it was many, many times), until this past December. I still don't really remember but other alters have shared their stories with me which has been hard, but I know it's good that they are opening up about it. Lately I have been having severe pain flashbacks to the point I thought I had a UTI, but no it was "just" psychosomatic. I also have trouble getting to sleep and waking up once I've managed to fall asleep to the point I feel ill all the time. But I am free now. I still have my childhood best friend and my other friends, lots of whom know about my DID and are really supportive. Some even know a lot more about what I've been through and always tell me I'm not gross, even though disclosing feels gross most of the time for me. I'm not alone. There are people who care about me. She said no one ever would. There is hope even if I can't see it most of the time.

I really hope they don't find this.... I could definitely see mom going through csa support forums looking for me and it's scary. She really didn't want me to tell anyone. It's hard to feel safe even now.

Sorry this got long, thank you for reading it if you did and if you didn't that's ok.

[Jonesy]

Hi claudiaclaudia

A very warm welcome to isurvive - may you soon feel at home here with us

[Watercolor]

Welcome! I hope as time goes on, you'll grow to feel comfortable and supported here.

[coconuts]

Welcome claudiaclaudia. So sorry for the reasons. I was very worried when I first started here too. Ive found ways to feel safe here though. My story is very similar. Most of my abuse was perpetrated by my mother (really step mother, but whom I loved like a mother) and my father was the enabler. Ive only been accepting these truths in the last few years and have just been dx with DID in the last year. There are a number of survivors here who were victims of abuse of all types by their mothers. Sad. But nice to not feel so alone.

Coconuts

[Crow]

Hi claudiaclaudia,

Adding my welcome to you also.
I'm also a survivor of abuse at the hands of my mother. This for me was from age five (or earlier) through to age sixteen or so. The emotional abuse continued for a further twenty years. She has moved hundreds of miles away now and so I feel a lot more free now. Only just started on my healing journey and so far these lovely people here have helped already

Crow

[claudiaclaudia]

Thank you so much coconuts. I read some posts and I just want to say your replies are always very good and thoughtful. Even though you weren't talking to me, it resonated with me very much multiple times. Thank you again.

[claudiaclaudia]

Thanks Crow. I am very glad she is far away now. Moving away saved me. I hope your healing goes well and brings you peace.

(edited to remove copy of Crow's text because it wasn't necessary)

[quixote]

Claudiaclaudia,
I'm glad that you stepped forward and joined isurvive. Each time someone new joins, we become a little stronger.
quixote

[heavenlydove]

Hi ClaudiaClaudia,

I am so sorry you have suffered so much at the hands of your mother and for your ongoing PTSD. I never suffered SA but I know what its like living with a psychologically and emotionally abusive mum - my mum used also told me no-one would ever care for someone like me and I believed her, thus why I have not had a relationship to date. Hope you can get support for your issues here. There are many people who will understand your situation and hopefully help you progress forward with your situation. Good luck with everything.