Letting go

[honeybera]

Heh...yeah. "Apple". Sometimes I wonder just how these parents come up with these odd names for these innocent babies. I can picture the parent looking down at them lovingly as they coo gently at them, bonding tenderly, and then picking some name that either sounds hideous in and of itself (like Apple) or that combines with the child's last name in such a way that s/he is guaranteed a life full of bullying. Example: Hugh Jass.

BTW, I have some strawberries out there in my yard that I just noticed! They're still tiny and green, but I just planted those darned bare rooted things a short while ago after I put them through torture in my bathroom sink waiting for me to get ready to get busy and clear out the planters, but I FINALLY did...and now they are alive with blooms and even a few tiny, green strawberries!! Life never ceases to amaze me! What a will to live!

I need to get to bed. I keep fooling around until 1am or 3am or even later playing on the computer and then I miss my lovely COOL mornings out there in my yard. I just found out today (from some YouTube video from some guy in Michigan) what I can plant in August for a winter crop. One of the first on his list was...wait for it... ZUCCHINI!! I could tell that he knows all about snow and icy conditions in the winter, but here? Oh no! It NEVER snows here and rarely even rains. So I am VERY HAPPY that this is where I live, even in August! And that's saying something.

He even said I could/should plant carrots, too, and spinach, onions (bunching), cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, oh! the list goes ON! I guess I could refurbish my raised beds for this year. Make them into a sunny little winter garden area. In the winter, it's about the sunniest area in the entire yard.

OY! It's darned near 10pm!! Night night. Sleep well.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I'm beginning to understand that I've been living a blame game with myself. Not to say that MD deserves my forgiveness, BUT I wouldn't be forgiving her for HER, but for ME. Her and her feelings and/or thoughts on this have nothing to do with it OR WITH ME.

I really need to let go! But then I have a tendency to live in the past and BLAME everything on MD - which gives me an excuse to stagnate and not simply move on from it! I'm allowing her to continue to rule my life and make my decisions for me, but she's actually an old broad in a nursing home that I never even talk to...so how is that HER problem?? I'm coming to see just how much of my stagnation is MY problem, not hers.

I believe that I need to ponder this for a while.

Honeybera

[dancingfish]

I think it's understandable, honeybera. :) Your MD created a lot of the problems you're now dealing with - that wasn't your fault, that's purely sitting on her shoulders. She was adult (kind of ;) ), you were the child.

However the tough thing to realise, I found, with healing is that although what we find difficult may not be our fault, it is our responsibility. We can reach out and ask for help, support, whatever we need though. :) It's hard that this rests on our shoulders, but that's just the way the chips fell. (Dice fell? Something like that. :D)

Stagnation is perhaps sometimes the resting time we need to process things, I think a lot happens in recovery that's on a near subconscious level. It's difficult to wonder why we're not doing "things", or reaching forwards, but maybe that's just where we're at right now. Guess I'm writing this bit for me somewhat too, I've been back to feeling a bit stuck and I have a heap of half-finished projects I wanted done but energy and enthusiasm seems far away right now.

You can and will move on, and I think it's a kindness to ourselves to let us sit still when we need to sit still (however irksome it may be!), and let ourselves move when our resolve comes back for forward motion and progress. :)

Thank you again for your wonderful reply earlier, and the eggshell tip with the tomatoes! I'm a bit low on replying-ness at the moment, so I'm not writing much (hah ;)) or else it's sporadic. I read, re-read and appreciate all your words though! Love to read your updates and words on here, as always. :) Oh, just remembered what you wrote about finding the other salvia supplier - great news! Hope those hummingbirds continue to flock to your WotW. :)

[Maxie]

Honeybera your Thu Aug 06, 2020 4:49 am post is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I plan to read, re-read, and re-read what you said!!!

[honeybera]

I always bemoan that I have no friends, but it's not true. I do have friends on here. ♥ Thanks so much you guys! ♥

[honeybera]

Hey guys!! I've got to share this!!! I just took my diabetes test (fasting, of course) and it read 115!!!!!! This is from someone who in 2007 was up in the 300s, 400s, and even 500s with an a1c of 12!! The day before yesterday it read 128 and 143 yesterday! For ME, those are FABULOUS readings!!! I'm SO looking forward to finding out what my a1c is now, but with the COVID19 hitting my area hard at the moment, going into a lab to find out what my a1c is while they are testing for COVID19 seems to me rather risky and counterproductive!! BUT 115 TODAY!! OMG! Keto is WORKING! FINALLY!

My a1c was only 6.1 last time (which means I'm now PRE-diabetic), but I could NOT get my blood tests under 140-160. I watched a bunch more videos on keto and insulin resistance and decided to LOWER my fat intake somewhat and STRICTLY do my OMAD (one meal a day). I have to admit that I was getting desperate. I still refuse to "starve" myself, and if I get hungry, I WILL EAT, but I honestly don't get hungry. I also have learned that to eat TOO much cream and/or butter has stalled my weight loss for me for the last 2½ yrs. (plus my body was busy healing up). I heard them say on the Keto youtube videos that calories don't count, BUT BUT BUT that if I consume those excessive calories in fat, I don't give my body a chance to get RID of the fat that's already stored on my body. That is how it works, and now I can see that. Like Butter Bob Briggs says, "Don't eat sticks of butter!" But he eats chicken fried in lard, makes HIS own mayonnaise, too, has a few tablespoons of cream in his morning coffee and he has lost 154 lbs. and kept it off for years!

I was frustrated because even the much simpler Atkins diet worked for me in 2007, and that included eating all the meat that I wanted, but now it won't work because I was so far gone into my diabetes. I had NAFLD [non-alcoholic fatty liver disease] that had caused "significant liver damage", and terribly painful arthritis in my back, knees, hands, and feet, debilitating gout, plantar fasciitis, morbid obesity, enlarged heart, even cataracts that are caused by having diabetes and high sugars in the blood for DECADES! Two and a half years ago (Nov. '17) when I started this KETO WOE/WOL, I was a PHYSICAL wreck, but have slowly HEALED. But not by actual weight loss. My liver is perfect now, my heart seems much better, too, and when they checked my kidneys, they were AMAZED, stating to me, "Your kidneys are EXCELLENT!...for someone of your age." I'll take it!

I believe that I'll address my INNER CRITIC now. The REAL MD is over in the nursing home awaiting death , so I will call my actual CURRENT nemesis Mommy Dearest Inner Critic, or MDIC for short, for she is the one living in my mind ATM and causing me grief. MD doesn't even need to be here in person, because I will keep her going in my own mind. I need to shut that bitch up!! I need to be kind to myself! Yes, and I need to APPRECIATE that number of 115! That is almost NORMAL!! If I beat this diabetic, fat related BS, I can do ANYTHING!!! I quit smoking 30 yrs. ago after having smoked since I was 12. I NO LONGER HAVE TO FEAR HER AND HER MEAN-GIRL WAYS!!! And now I have to shut her up in my own brain. Yep, bent but NEVER broken!!! What a lousy mother she was!!!

Let me clarify: what 115 (or 128 or w/e) means to me is that I'm S-L-O-W-L-Y becoming LESS insulin resistant! That is life-saving to me! I am steadily using my insulin properly. All my fat on my liver and pancreas (where the insulin comes from/is made) are GONE. I've turned a corner, as long as I continue to eat right (healthy for ME), EAT NO SUGARS OR GRAINS, and get SOME exercise daily. That's all there is to it, and my body is confirming that! Now MD (or actually MDIC) wants me to stay fat and diabetic so that she can gloat happily, telling herself that I'm a loser and she's a winner, but that won't fly. Not anymore.

I HAVE MY GARDEN, MY PETS, MY COOKBOOKS, MY HOME, AND MY WAY OF DOING THINGS...and ALL of those things are perfectly ACCEPTABLE...and getting better everyday!! 115!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN DO THIS!!

I need to go make some Keto bread for a tuna-onion-mayo sandwich...later. Tonight: Corned beef and cabbage with carrots. YUM! 115!!

Honeybera
========================(next day)
PS - Made my bread - going to slice it now. It smelled so good baking last night! HUGE heat wave is almost here: one week of 103º-109ºF every day until Aug. 19! That means that "gardening time" is ONLY in the earliest morning hours or else! I have been able to keep up with the watering out there so far (even in the current 100ºF heat) which is far better than I've been able to do in earlier years. But July was amazingly mild. With this heat finally here, I'll need to water every day though, and August isn't my best month to garden (or even water). This is the month where I just quit doing anything out there and become depressed. Not this year, though...so far, so good.

==========================(after dark)

Bread is sliced, yard is watered, made a wonderful Reuben sandwich for dinner. All is well...time for bed.

HB

[Jonesy]

Hi honeybera

Wonderful news on your a1c test - your excitement is palpable and justifiably so!

[coconuts]

Yay, so amazing that we can heal our own bodies. Youve done such hard work and persevered so well. Most people dont have the perseverance to stick it thru. But your numbers look great. Its proof its working even if you cant see that proof on the outside. Yay for you.

Coconuts

[honeybera]

Hi honeybera

Wonderful news on your a1c test - your excitement is palpable and justifiably so!

Thanks Jonesy! And that 6.1 a1c is an OLD test when my blood sugars were still at around 140-160! But I'm too scared of that nasty old COVID-19 to go in for any testing! And justifiably so: I'm in my 70s, obese, sort of diabetic still, however I am also female and Caucasian...but still! I'm one of those "elderly" that there is so much concern for. How much risk am I (or should I) be willing to take?

Yay, so amazing that we can heal our own bodies. Youve done such hard work and persevered so well. Most people dont have the perseverance to stick it thru. But your numbers look great. Its proof its working even if you cant see that proof on the outside. Yay for you.

Thanks coconuts! In my closet is a black T shirt hanging outward. I bought it long ago when it was WAY WAY too small to fit me...but it does now! I had purchased the largest size that it came in. It has two strips of bacon emblazoned on it and the words: "KEEP CALM AND KETO ON"! I have that shirt facing the door to my closet so that I can see what's written on there every time I open my closet door. It has sustained me quite often. I love that shirt!!

I've got to tell you guys: Last night I wondered if I could butter the outside of a couple of slices of my keto bread, slap on a couple of pieces of cheese and ham, and fry it up, Grilled Cheese style. OMG!!!!!!!! SOOOO GOOD!!!! The ham was ok in it, but the cheese took quite some time to melt, which I found sort of "glued" the sandwich together, but IT WAS A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH! It even crisped up on the buttery outside! It was so good, in fact, that I'm having another one today sans ham. And I've got some "Keto Chow" (<--brand name) Tomato Basil Soup mix. Haven't tried it yet, BUT one of my favorite Keto diet websites has a homemade keto recipe I'm going to try and see how close I can get to canned Campbell's Tomato Soup. How about that for comfort food? A grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of Cream of Tomato soup???! It's one of my favorite meals and I still get to have it! (It's like counted as a veggie.) And that grilled cheese and ham sandwich last night was SO filling that when I ate it at about 6pm that I'm only now getting sort of hungry again! (I've had to wait until I was hungry again before getting another. )

You have no idea just how happy this successful "new meal" added to my keto repertoire makes me! Even my DS came sniffing around and asked me, "Are you cooking grilled cheese sandwiches?!" It's one of his favorites, too. And now with this particular recipe for keto bread, the answer is a resounding YES!!

So how hard is this to fast and do keto? Not hard at all, honestly. The hard part was to stick to it for 2½ yrs. with no observable results! "How many pounds have you lost?" "Uh...none...YET, but I'm doing everything I can!" Even my doctor (who is NOT supportive AT ALL!) truly believes that I have "no will power". Even HE is getting a small pot belly - which if he knew anything at all he could SEE that that is the beginning of insulin resistance and that even a lower carb diet would reverse that. Kind of hard for me to TELL him that when he's looking at my chart and my weight thereon which is the exact same as last time. He's so sure that I'm "CHEATING" and don't know what I'm talking about. But he IS seeing my a1c reduce from the mid 7s all the way down to barely 6, and he was my doctor when I was at an a1c of 12! Even he congratulated me on becoming "pre-diabetic".

Can you imagine the field day MD would have with this EVEN NOW?? As long as I'm "FAT my name" (one of her favorite nicknames for me), she's ok with it. I am LESS THAN in her eyes, but to walk in there at a normal weight? Oy vey!! And now SHE is the heavy FAT one and she is the diabetic one after eating all that candy! But no one stops her. DB says, "Hey, she's going to die soon anyway. Let her do whatever she wants." OK. I believe what I'll do with that instead is go water my plants in my yard and enjoy my yummy grilled cheese sandwich with my OMAD. I'm still not that hungry right yet, but soon.

BTW, that heat wave is upon us now, up to 110ºF on the hottest days. (76º inside however = nice and cool! ) Even my tomatoes are looking somewhat limp only about 36 hours since their last watering, so in a few hours as the shade develops on the east side yard, I'm going to water EVERYTHING again THOROUGHLY. It should only be in the 90s then. But everything is thirsty, even my trees. I also need to clear out the heavy duty cardboard from the garage that I saved and lay it down in the yard as weed control.

I also need to sweep out the garage floor under where the rolltop will go. My part of the bargain in this getting rid of the rolltop desk chores is nearly done! My room has some stacked up boxes in front of my faux fireplace and end table, but the hallway is clear and all around the rolltop is cleared out and ready to go for moving. That desk is HEAVY!! DS says his friend will come and help him lift it up in two pieces and get it out to the cleared out garage area for sale. WE ARE DOING IT!! I can't WAIT until I can move this stuff out of my room and back into the Computer Room (aka Storage Room from here on out). At that point, the hot weather doesn't matter. I just need to water outside DAILY and wait out the heat, but I'll have plenty of time to clean out and ORGANIZE the Storage Room. AND my closet! It needs a good sorting out, too. I just ordered more Amazon Basic "velvet" coated hangers from Amazon. I really like those! Nothing slips and falls off the hanger.

I just had to share all of this with you guys! I'm finally starting to get hungry. Where's the cheese?!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

As I watered out there tonight I found a very ripe Eversweet strawberry, so I ate it!! YUM! And my tomatoes and peppers all have blossoms on them!! I'm in the process of cutting back all my overgrown salvia. My peaches all have some sort of creeping crud on them - they're rotting on the tree. But you should see my 20' high Fuji apple tree!! Absolutely COVERED in the most beautiful apples, ripe in a couple of months. I need to get my freeze dryer all up and functional and ready! Sweetest apples EVER off that tree and they are PERFECT!! The poor tree is also covered in Whippy Weeds, too, though, as are all the peach, plum, avocado, and apricot trees and as is my entire fence line on the east side. My neighbor needs to get that under control!!

A couple of weeks back I bought a new chain saw, albeit a small one. It's for pruning my yard, taking a LOT of height out of that apple tree for sure!

My Red Hot Mama salvia needs me to either grow another one (I have the seeds for it) or prune it back SEVERELY. Same goes for the Black and Blues (3 of them), Hot Lips (a woody salvia), and the Purple Lighthouse. I also have a struggling pink Wendy's Wish salvia that I've kept alive for 2 years but never planted...yet. There is SO much to do here! But that strawberry was the first one from this batch of bare roots.

Very exhausted tonight...

Honeybera