Introduction - new here

[dinni]

Hello.

I'm new here. I've read some things here and realize so many people have therapists. I don't. I have in the past but never told them who i really am. I saw them in high school and only because my mom made me back then.

But i want to tell someone the truth about why I'm sad (I'm not sure I'm sad but that's what people think sometimes).

My dad died when i was 4. Suicide. So it was me, my mom and my brother. So that was the first shameful thing for me - explaining how my dad died, but it became the catch all for what was wrong with me and I've always let people believe that.

The truth is that's never been what's wrong with me.

Then there was the secondary thing people (meaning family, teachers, etc) decided was the reason for my being quiet and seeming sad was the fact my mom turned to drugs and alcohol to cope after my dad died. I mean it sucked but that wasn't it either.

But it was easier to just let people believe that than tell them what was actually wrong. No one would believe me anyhow. My grandfather had been a cop. I was just this sad kid with no dad and a junkie mom. No one would have believed me and who was i going to tell anyhow? The cops he was friends with? Plus i didn't need one more thing for people to either judge me or pity me about.

Anyhow, I don't know how to talk about what actually happened to me, the actual events. There are so many things i only sort of remember because i was so young. It finally stopped around age 14 when i finally just started refusing to go over there.

I'm 46 now. You'd think I'd be past it. I try to not even think about it but i have these flashback memories. I have these obsessive counting and cleaning rituals. I don't trust people. I feel like i have to prove I'm not trash so everything i do has to be perfect and it's just all so exhausting.

So there's what's actually wrong with me. Maybe I'll get the courage to talk more about it but that's the best i can do for now.

Sorry this is not well written or terribly detailed.

At any rate - thank you for letting me just say it although i realize i didn't actually even say it.

[Crow]

Hi Dinni,

Fellow newbie here
Welcome to isurvive. I hope you find just being able to freely be you and to talk here a real help. I'm certainly finding it really helpful in my short time here.

I also do not have a therapist. I have had counselling in the past and even short term very recently, but I'm certainly one of those who doesn't have one.

I wanted to write a quick reply to welcome you and say well done for your post - I will send a proper reply too.
Take your time and don't pressure yourself to feel a certain way or to disclose anything. It will come in time.
I relate to a fair bit of what you have said - particularly the perfection thing... it is exhausting!

Anyway, I will try and expand on this soon.

Crow

[Crow]

You know dinni, I don't know what it is about proving ourselves and seeking perfection. I'd love to be that person who can live my life not worrying about what others think of me, or just settling with okay rather than perfection.
I don't know the reasons behind that thought process, and of course we are all unique and have our own stories, but for me I suppose part of it is learned in that my family home was always show-house perfect and there was this impression to outsiders that all was perfect behind closed doors.
I think as well for me it's almost like I so want to be unhurt and present this idea that I have it all together and that I'm not 'damaged' so I seek perfection to defer the attention from reality. I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud so to speak.
I struggle so much with the fact that despite the fact that my children are loved and we have just enough each month to get by, I feel I should give them better... despite the fact that I know deep down that my wife and I do our best for them and they love us and we love them so much, and that compared to my childhood they have no worries like I did! Yet I still feel like I am letting them down somehow. It is like I feel I have to try and give them this perfect world and it is exhausting!

Anyway, I don't know if any of this resonates with you, but I wanted to acknowledge your feelings. I'm so new to this process of working out my feelings around my abuse, so I may not be the best person here currently to talk to.
I am so sorry to hear of your situation and the way you are struggling. I'm also sorry that your childhood was as difficult as it was. You are strong and you survived. Just talk when you want to, there's so many great people on here that I have talked to in my five days here already.

Crow

[coconuts]

Dinni,

Youve done so well to share what you have. Its so very difficult to say it outloud at first. It took me 3 years in therapy to utter the word rape and i felt as if the world would crash around me. Everything in my body wants to keep me from saying these things outloud. To admit to their really happening. It took me til i was 35 to even asmit it to myself and realize i couldn't ignore it any more.

I also defered a lot to the things that bothered me less. My mother abandoned me as an infant and everyone wanted to believe thats why I struggled. They didnt want to look and see the things that were happening. They didnt want to see all the warning signs. For me i can easily defer to the physical abuse by my parents, or the abandonment by my mother. My therapist says i probably still need to work on those though. Just because ive rated them as only mildly disturbing doesnt mean they havent affected me.

My poor therapist gets tiny peices of information from me. It must be madenning. I imagine him sitting there with a 1000 piece puzzle and every time I just hand him one random piece and still try and figure out what the overall picture is supposed to be.

I have found great help in therapy. Ive helped change some of my thought patterns. I dont blame myself any more. There is still shame there but not nearly as much as before. I was suicidal and self harming (secretly) when i started. The suicidal stuff is gone. For me i couldnt do these things in my own. I needed help, a guide.
That said, some people find they can use self help books to guide them thru healing. Or even jump start by working on your own until you feel ready to seek out therapy. Everyones journey is unique.

Wishing you peace and reassurance of your own strength and goodness.

Coconuts

[Jonesy]

Hi dinni

A very warm welcome to isurvive - glad you found us and may you soon feel at home.

[Harbor]

Welcome dinni

I wouldn't say there is anything actually wrong with you. What was wrong was your grandfather's actions, and the other uncontrollable events of your life. Many people in your position might feel that they made a choice back then, that they were responsible somehow. When they are able to look at the situation objectively, they see that the other choices really were not available to that child. They would never criticize somebody else who responded to the same way in the same situation.

You are among friends here, safe to share what you will at your own pace. You will not be judged or doubted. When you are ready, have a look around - you will see that similar stories to your own are shared here. Please pace yourself even with the reading. If and when you are ready to share more, be conscious that you may feel exposed and uncomfortable afterward - for "telling". Plan to be especially kind to yourself.

[heavenlydove]

Hi Dinni,
So sorry you have gone through something as tough as that over a long period of time. I felt it was hard telling people I was physically abused, cannot imagine what it would be like telling people a story like yours. Unfortunately it is more common than you imagine. Out of my friends, at least 2 mentioned to me they experienced something like what you mentioned, others suffered lesser versions of what you experienced - two further youngsters I know went through what you went through with the perpetrator under our nose at our church (a parishioner whose children were best friends with those boys). Unfortunately things happen more commonly than you would imagine. People have so many stories they keep from others and you would not necessarily realize anything on the outside. My dad once told me off for talking to a man at our social club. He was a dodgy guy so my dad was right to warn me, but he made me feels o guilty as if I had done something wrong which I hadn't. Another aunt told me off for walking with this older man, who was also somewhat dodgy, but I was only doing it because he had helped me with some work of mine. I again ended up feeling guilty, without there being any reason to. If people can feel guilty about such insignificant things like me, then I can totally see how they could feel so bad about something so life altering like what you experienced. But it was not your fault, and you had no real way of escaping the situation. The fact you stopped seeing him at age 14 says a lot about you, but even if you had not, it would still not have been your fault. These sort of experiences mess with heads of adults let alone that of vulnerable children who have not a full understanding of self or things around them let alone control over their person in such situations. I hope you will find the support you need here from people who have suffered similar things, or even if not, do not judge you for anything that happened to you. Good luck with your recovery journey.