New member introduction

[Crow]

Hi everyone,

This is something new to me as I don't use social media or forums.
I don't really know where to start actually. Normally I write things with a lot of preparation, however right now I'm just typing as it comes to me. Just typing this is weird. I don't know if it's an acceptance thing (I struggle with that) or what, but I find it strange saying that I'm a survivor because I often feel like a victim. Yet up until early last year I wasn't struggling the way I am with my past and the trauma of my childhood. I'm 37 now and I have lived my life with the acknowledgement of my childhood the way it was, but it didn't consciously affect me. This is strange but saying it is harder (typing it is a little easier), I was abused as a child. I struggle to say that word.

I was physically and psychologically/emotionally abused by my mother from what I recall was about 8 or 9 (however recently obtained records show that actually this was from age 5 from the point of social services' involvement on record) until around age 16. This was daily, frequent occurrences. (Until recently I was unaware that my family was known to services and that for a time we were on the Child Protection Register - I always thought I was off radar.)
I have spent the past year trying to figure out why I am struggling, why I am having vivid recurring memories, and basically trying to sort myself out. As I say, the way I am feeling is a very recent thing and it's confusing to feel this way after so many years of being fine.
I'm a male yet I have never been that stereotypical male in that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cry at the slightest thing (happy things included) and I share too easily (often without setting boundaries which leads to more hurt). Am I a highly sensitive person (HSP) or is it a result of years of continuous abuse during crucial years of my development?!

Anyway, I do talk a lot and I could go on, but I want to keep the introduction short and basic. I'll post again with my story in more detail maybe.
Been a big step making the decision to join here. Hopefully I'll be able to share and feel like someone understands. (I have an identical twin brother but he has not acknowledged the abuse like I have. It's 'in the past' as he says, so I can't talk with him about it because he shuts down.)
I think a key thing that I have learnt this past year is that often I look back at childhood memories and experiences and question why I didn't speak up, or why I did this or didn't do that. But I was a child then. I look back with my adult mind, with my experiences and other information now, and I apply it to those memories. However, I didn't have that insight back then. I trusted what was my normal, and as a child I had no power or control.

I hope that over the weeks and months ahead I'll find some support and maybe validation from this community.

Thanks for reading this.

[timjake]

Hello Crow, I can relate to your having things start coming back. I am 62, live in the states and have been struggling mightily the last year n 1/2 from anxiety and flashbacks. I had alot of distractions that kept the past at bay until I started this job, Im not sure what brings it on and I wish it would go away, now I am isolated and my mind wanders constantly, the memories just KEEP popping up. UGH!
Yes, youre a victim and you survived at a horrible cost. I dont know when my abuse started but knowing how my "alleged" mother was I am thinking it started after birth. I like you was very sensitve and emotional so dont discount the "when" it started.
I hope you can get past this because I get what you are going thru.
There are alot of compassionate people on this forum who will understand and validate your pain.

[Watercolor]

Hey there Crow,

I'm glad you found your way here. I hope it will become a comfortable haven for you. Sorry that you have suffered so much, for the things that bring you here.

[Serenity]

Hi Crow, and welcome to isurvive.

With care,
Serenity

[ajei]

It's really good to meet you Crow.

ajei

[Jonesy]

Hi Crow

Glad you made it, welcome

[Crow]

Thanks for sharing that timjake. It really did hit me out of nowhere. Maybe it's because I had a bad time with some personal troubles about eighteen months ago that potentially triggered this to come up. Also with lockdown in the UK starting in March suddenly I felt very isolated and also very out of control of my life and my movement. It's also hard with my accommodation situation in that my family cannot move home and are stuck in an overcrowded home and have no outdoor space, and on top of all that neighbours are being difficult and the noise and injustice gets to me so much.
I feel like just this year alone it's got so much worse. But just knowing that others are (unfortunately) going through similar makes me feel a little less on my own in a strange way, so thanks for your encouragement timjake.

Thanks also for the welcome to Watercolour, Serenity, ajei and Jonesy.
I was telling a colleague at work today (who doesn't know my struggles but is helping support my mental health at work) that I made the step to post on a forum and she was so pleased for me. I still find praise hard to take these days.

Thanks to you all

[coconuts]

Adding in my welcome. Ive heard it is fairly common for people to be older when they struggle. I really have no clue why. Some say its because you finally feel safe or strong enough to face it. I'm not sure I agree with that. I was 35 when my brain decided enough was enough, time you face my demons. Anyways sorry for all youve been thru and welcome

Coconuts

[Crow]

Thank you Coconuts.
I would have been 35 coming on 36 when I began to struggle. I'd love to understand why it seems to be around mid thirties that people start to revisit or discover their pain (certainly some short basic research that I have read indicates that age bracket).

There's some lyrics from a song that I am reminded of when you say about facing your demons -

"I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim."

I don't know the actual interpretation of them, but I often think that if you try and bury (or drown) your demons they will eventually surface again... so as you say, best to face them.

All the best to you all,

Crow

[coconuts]

Yeah I've learned no matter how hard it is to face them the consequences of denial arent really worth it. Especially for the people I love. Plus at some point it refuses no matter and comes bursting forth in in quite ugly ways. Watercolor mentioned the other day , that its like trying to hold a beachball under water.

I resonate with that song a lot.

Coconuts