Lost

[Stef]

I look at myself in the mirror and I’m everything my abuser told me I was a nobody, a bag that is empty. My stepdad touched me more than once when I was 7, at the age 23 I confessed to my mom but there was no point since she claimed it was too late to do anything, and that my lil brothers needed a dad. She once again choose he’s side, I was more shocked within a week of her knowing this she was back sleeping in the same bed with him. My relationship with my mother got worse, we screamed at each other her because in her words I was lazy attention seeker, I felt like the only way I can comfort with this is eating. I wish I never spoke up cause now more than ever I feel my mom just wants me to disappear and if something happen to me it would be a relief for her. I have tried forgiven him but I was thinking why should he just walk around like his a saint like he never did anything. I feel like he enjoys this my mom being in his side even when he would hit me and my older brother almost a rush for him, looking at me and my brother be nobody’s. I have no job, no money know where to go my older brother is homeless he has know where to go either. I wish I can take drugs or alcohol to deal with this but my dad was an alcoholic I don’t want to go down the same road, but believe me I have tried but I can’t. Now 25 I’m stuck I have no motivation, no purpose. I feel abandoned , I have become the monster I never wanted to be, because I wanted to prove that I would overcome this but now I’m here alone, confused, scared, and hopeless like I was once a little girl.

[Jonesy]

Hi Stef

Welcome to isurvive, I am very glad you found us.
No need to feel alone here, there is always someone around.

[coconuts]

Welcome and sorry for all the pain you feel. Many of us can understand the many ways abuse have consequences for us. Ways it continues to hurt even when its not happening any more. I hope you can find help and support here and irl too so you can see the beautiful soul you are.

[quixote]

Stef,
Your post says lost, but you found your way here. That showed some direction.

[NewMe]

You are not your abuse, you’re your recovery.

[Acacia]

I think U were very brave to tell your mum. It must have been so hard for u back then but I hope u r now free and able to work things out in what ever way u choose.

[heavenlydove]

Hi Stef,
Welcome to this board, hope it helps you with your recovery. It is good you have taken a step to try to deal with issues affecting you, which is more than many people care to do. So many people chose just to brush things under the carpet. I never experienced what you went through, but I do have some idea of feeling like what you say doesn't matter and people not being on side. My brother and me once told my mum that we were lashed on a daily basis by my dad and even though she most likely knew about it anyhow (it was not kept a secret by my dad) she told us that we were liars. It hurt a lot at the time and we were very angry with her - I think her way of coping was pushing it under the carpet. People sometimes ignore things or minimize things so they are not forced to confront things in their situation which are seriously problematic, as they do not know what to do about them. Denial often feels better than having to give the real situation serious consideration, especially if that would require major change of some sort, like a break in relationship/family. It is also often the case that people who are not the ones abused, can often minimize issues as they do not really know how to deal with them or may be ignorant of the extent of damage caused to a person by that abuse. Sometimes people treat family members who have suffered the most abuse worse than the others as they appear weaker and less able to stand up for themselves. Sometimes, people love partners who are not good for them or stay with partners because they are dependent on people for making them happy, cannot imagine leaving them. Other times, they stand with partners because those can more likely leave them if they complain too much, than their kids who have no other parent in their life to rely on. Unfortunately for you, I can totally see how you could end up feeling like you are less important to your mum than your stepdad, especially if he is always around. It must be tricky seeing him, when you remember what he did to you and when it is affecting you still as it obviously is. Hopefully coming here, you may be able to work on some of your issues and pain, and find a way forward for yourself. Know that you will not be judged here and we hope to support you on your journey to a better future. You are still young with a life ahead of you, so hopefully can definitely improve your situation down the line. Feeling lost is not always a bad thing - sometimes it is just the time for looking within yourself, waiting for ideas and thoughts to come together to create a new path for you, a period for giving yourself time to "find your way" out of your situation. So do not despair - just know you can share here and people will listen and hopefully support you through your questioning/directionless phase, however long that takes to get through this. Good luck with everything.

[quixote]

What a nice response, heavenlydove.