Hello from new site user LifeReboot

[LifeReboot]

Hello, glad to have found this site and am appreciative of the safety mindset. Have been reading some posts and enjoy the warmth and gentle support I've already seen demonstrated. Am recovering from depression, anxiety, cptsd with roots in childhood trauma (emo/verbal/physical discipline abuse during parental rage/intellectual ab).

I liked Wings post about the voices that arise when drafting a 1st post about...maybe "mine" wasn't so bad in comparison, etc... I just know that I still deal with dysf patterns (learned in childhood) as an adult and that is enough for me to to justify working thru it as best I can. Glad to have others in the world who speak my language yet am sorry for the sorrow that built that language.

I have no contact with 1 parent abuser and low contact with 2nd parent abuser whom I temporarily live with, which is uneasy and uncomfortable in its re-triggering aspect but good boundary practice.

I don't wish to ask for revealing details, yet I I have questions for others who may be dealing with age-related guilt and difficulties considering ending contact with aging parents.

I request moderator help in editing if this isn't on-target:

I am middle-age and wonder how other middle age ch ab survivors deal with guilt over aging abusive parents who don't desire change. The guilt of letting the parental relshps go (because of no contact because they continue emo ab behaviors) yet knowing their lives are coming to an end (80 yrs of age). I have the desire to forgive yet reconciliation is painful because there is no change and their behaviors are re-triggering for me.

Self protection says "walk away and don't look back" yet I wish I knew a better way of accepting their limitations without holding onto the fantasy of change yet still retaining boundary protection.

Neither parent has resolved their own childhood suffering and I get that this is where there behaviors come from; yet neither feel that wakeup call to seek help, they just act out. The raging parent denies accountability and other parent says their depression doesn't bother them enough to do anything about it. Neither want to adjust the parent-child dynamic to "we're all adults"-dynamic.

I was the "responsible try to be perfect kid" and it feels like a "failure" to let go of my parents. I honor them in my heart yet don't want to be around them when they re-offend. Parents want a relshp with me but crash boundaries and want to repeat the same childhood patterns of dysfunction, to maintain their status quo.

I want to let go, not from anger, but only to self-protect. I have requested reconciliation be through counseling because our indiv attempts fail / continue the cycle of insanity. Neither parent wants counseling, they like what they do and "have no problems".

My inner child has been frozen in grief since childhood, taking the abuse so he can hold on to his love for his parents. I know I'm an adult and walking away from abuse is healthy. My inner child is still frozen in grief and wants to stay behind so he doesn't abandon his parents like they have abandoned him (codep?). Yet staying enables. Change isn't welcome. Change seems possible for human nature, I've had my lightbulb moments, yet in this situation it feels highly unlikely.

How to healthfully leave without abandoning? I swore I'd never do the harmful things my parents did, so how to reconcile ending my active relating with my parents (fear of abandoning them) with integrity for myself (respect for boundaries and the desire for functional behaviors)?


Long post for a newbie's first, it all just spilled out. Thanks for hanging in to read it.

Appreciatively, LifeReboot

[Harmony]

Dear LifeReboot,

You ask wonderful questions. So glad you joined us. I am going to step back and let some of our members respond to you. Perhaps you would get more honest personal responses if this post were in a part of our forum that is password protected. Open forum is open to public view. Is there somewhere else this could be posted for you?

Glad to meet you,
Harmony

[LifeReboot]

Thanks, Harmony, for the reply. Great suggestion, yes-wherever u think this post "needs to live", please move or suggest how I should move it. LifeReboot

[Jonesy]

Hi LifeReboot

A warm welcome to isurvive and thanks for sharing so openly on your first post.

[LifeReboot]

Sure thing, Jonesy, thanks for the welcome, compliment and encouragement.

[ajei]

Hi LifeReboot,

It's good to meet you...and you ask some really invaluable questions. I look forward to seeing you around.

ajei

[LifeReboot]

Thankyou, ajei, nice to meet u, too.
Your expression of warmth and this community's supportive vibe is beautiful.
There may not be any concrete answers right now, perhaps simply living with the questions is enough as Life unfolds with more yet to be revealed, we'll see.
Big hug.

[coconuts]

LifeReboot,

First off welcome.

Second, I havent had to make such decisions however I have watched others do this. My step mother (current, whom I adore) Took care of her aging parents for their last few years. Her father was a mean spiteful thing. Angry always and that did not change in the end. He was hateful and said mean /cruel things up to his last days. Even the way he died was a slap in the face. My step mom handled the entire situation with grace in my opinion. She did it because she adored her mother and didn't want to hurt her. She simply walked away. My father occasionally spoke up and told him to cut it out. He couldn't speak like that to her. She was not the victim in the end. She simply walked away when he said mean things. She refused to give him the reactions. But she did take care of him. She could not in her eyes abandon him. She wanted to be the better person.

I've thought what I might do when that point comes. I have no relationship with my biological mother. She abandoned me when I was an infant and has had extremely limited contact with me in my life. So thats an easy thing. I intend to not worry about it. My father is a tricky one. He was an enabler and abusive. Usually he was straight up neglectful and when he was around when I was a kid he was emotionally and physically abusive. I do have a relationship with him. He feels badly. He has not been mean or insulting to me since I moved out at 18. He recognizes I will not take it any more. I am working on healing from my own issues so I don't have to face them nearly as strongly when I get to this point. I dont think I can walk away from him. I also am not sure I could deal with the emotional turmoil of having to care for him in the end. Luckily that is not the life stage where I am right now.

Its all what feels right for you. Can you live with yourself which ever decision you make? As an adult I feel that some things lie in our court so to say. Are you able to stick up for yourself? Tell someone they are being out of line and you refuse to listen to them? Be honest with them? with yourself?

[Noname]

Hi and welcome LifeReboot.

Relationships with past abusers can be tricky, and for some people impossible. Coconuts brought up some good questions in her post.

If you do decide that you want to continue contact with them there are ways to assert your boundaries. There's a method called the "broken record" that can work pretty well. You have a simple sentence/statement that you use each and ever time they cross a boundary. It can be something as simple as "I love you, but right now you are stepping over my boundaries, so I will talk to you later", and then end the contact (hang up the phone, leave, whatever). The key to that is that you have to do it consistently each and every time, and you have to be in a position where you can end the conversation. Of course they won't like it at first and will try to keep you in the conversation, but don't elaborate or try to explain. Just stick with the statement, word-for-word and end the conversation. With repetition they should eventually get the point.

[LifeReboot]

Thank you, coconuts and noname. U'v both raised things that I find to be helpful. I appreciate what u'v shared in Mighty Support and will give them a go. Thanks mucho!