Empty and Scared

[Magpie]

How does existence feel to you all? Is it much like mine?

Sometimes I’m good, I’m positive and feeling and happy with myself and my life. Other days I just feel empty of emotion, scared and sad. I don’t want to just exist and survive, I want to thrive! I want to make plans for the future, and get excited and look forward to things. Do I need more self care and love in my life? Does it just start with me?

Strong down emotions I feel, like anger, sadness, bitterness, betrayal, anxious. But other daily emotions I feel a bit robotic and functional rather than “living”.

I pulled out of seeing some friends last week, I just got too anxious to see them, didn’t want too many questions fired at me, big group, public place, going on my own, just couldn’t do it. Is that a trust thing?

I try to articulate it all, but it’s hard. Thanks for understanding.

[EasyStreet]

Hi Magpie,

Sorry that you have to go through this. Short response: yes, more self care, more tools, from others, from nature, from yourself! persistence. persistence. yes, more persistence. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Don't beat yourself up about feeling bad.

Long response:

All I know is my own experience, but I have certainly lived what you are describing, off and on for years. It was at its worst in the last year, but I think I'm making some progress.

I still feel pretty untrusting of people in general, and I avoid them, but my relationships with the people who really matter are getting better. Much better, and my own inner life is just better too.

I'm sitting here and the word "bootstrap" just comes to mind, as in "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps", or "booting the computer".

I don't know if the dark periods are supposed to be times of learning? It seems like they are for me. Learning gives me tools that I can use to bootstrap. That's what I've just been through. If I don't have enough tools to get up and running and stable then I'll crash.

I had mononucleosis when I was about 21 yrs old. Just stuck in bed, weak, for about 6 weeks, then better. I've had the mental version of that, too, for years. Just enough energy to clock in every day. Ugh!

The bootstrap thing implies that we somehow have the answer inside of us either innately or through learning or both. I take comfort in that and I hope you can too.

It really starts with self-care.

Be blessed!

[Magpie]

Many thanks Easy Street, wise words and always nice to feel like I’m not alone. Agreed it’s hard sometimes to view these periods as useful and learning times, and I do indeed need to get better at taking care of myself. I too have a lot of mistrust in people, mainly females (understandably) it’s like I’m on alert or my subconscious does this thing where I either people please immensely or just want to run and hide.

I feel the emptiness is just temporary, like a wave that comes and goes, sometimes strong currents other just lapping at my feet. Bootstraps it is! We all need to do this sometimes and my inner voice is what is holding me back I guess.

Thanks again, love and light x

[coconuts]

I think often that recognizing these emotions for what they are eases their impact. If I look at the wave that's coming or the wave I'm riding and really see it for what it is, it gets better. Ive found often that until I've identified every single emotion, I'm stuck in the thick of it. But once I do it's like I can free myself from it.

Hoping the wave passes. Your acknowledgement of it I think is healthy and even healing.

[chambersia]

I couldn't have said it better myself Magpie.
I feel like this often. Where I get anxious and back out of plans with friends.

I personally feel more comfortable at home and with little face to face interaction. I still go and see my significant other and sometimes see friends. But, I find myself backing out of plans more and more.

I also, have times I am good and times where I am empty and depressed.

Thanks.