just joined

[imanci]

Hello,

Growing up I was spanked very severely. Unfortunately, since spanking is widely accepted, and especially since I am male, I have not found that many people can understand how these beatings affected me.

My dad was a violent and angry guy. He never hit me in the face, he would slap me upside the head, shake me by my shoulders, scream and rage and throw me around the room, and then drag me to his bedroom where I was spanked bare in a very angry and punishing way. The spankings never ended until I was completely broken down mess. I screamed and wailed, everyone in the neighborhood could hear. Then he would throw me in my room half naked and slam the door.

I am not like the average person. Ever since puberty I was obsessed with spanking, and I still am decades later. Every day I feel some of the same feelings from back then coming up. I have not been able to function as an adult until I found other adults who were willing to beat me similar to how my dad did. I had alot of therapy including EMDR and from that I came to understand the way those early experiences affected me.

I expect people, including this forum, to be repelled by me. First off, who cares if I was spanked. Just another boy who got spanked. Secondly, what kind of perv is this to post on these forums - who openly admits that he does these deviant behaviors which are not normal at all, instead of relying on medications, religion, or therapy.

I am not sure why I chose to join this forum. I am never free from the past and it haunts me a bit. I have found a way to be a functional person, but it still haunts me and I don't like that I seem to have been changed as a child in ways that I can not reverse as an adult.

[Tajiri]

Everyone in this forum realizes that we all feel pain in our own way and I have never seen anyone be denied how they feel. It doesn't matter the type of physical, mental, sexual, etc. abuse we suffer; we all deserve[d] more love and understanding than we received. It shows a great deal of strength for you and all who enter here; we choose to support one another and never judge.

It makes sense that you would seek out similar behaviors, i.e. the spanking/beating. It is what you learned and you equated that with love, after all; fathers are supposed to love their children, right? You have identified that in yourself and are looking for ways to change. The most important thing is to know that you were not responsible for your father not being able to control his violent ways. You were a child.

No one here will be repelled by you. We will listen to you, help you, understand you, and support you. Everyone here has suffered at the hands of another and we work together to heal. Don't be afraid to ask for support AND be prepared to receive the compassion that you didn't get as a child.

Tajiri

[coconuts]

There have been others here with similar stories. No one is repelled. Many of us are suffering the effects from abuse we suffered as children. Many of us are ashamed of that. Not that we should be. We didn't deserve that treatment and betrayal by those who should have loved and cared for us. Healing is difficult but support makes it bearable.

[imanci]

Thank you. It's not like me to make such an aggressive post as that. I was half expecting to be booted off the forum and certainly not expecting such a kind response. I get so frustrated because I feel invisible. It's not that I want the world to acknowledge me, it's that when I look online for some indication that the world gives af, I just don't find it. It is good to find this site.

[Jonesy]

Hey imanci

A very warm welcome to isurvive - glad you found us and much kudos on such a brave first post

[Starlover]

Welcome! I am sorry for all that happened to you. I think the way you choose to find some peace is your own. I understand being ashamed I too was very into the BDSM scene. I dont regret it though, just add it to my long list of coping mechanisms, which are nothing to be ashamed of!

[imanci]

Thanks everyone I can tell this is a site of real survivors because of the things you are saying.

@Starlover I agree it is nothing to be ashamed of, although I would be mortified if everyone knew. I have cut myself loose of trying to conform to some 'normal' model sometime ago. What troubles me is just that I must find a way to adapt at all. Just having to deal with at all it frustrates me and it's a daily or nearly daily thing for decades now. I feel like I didn't choose it so why should I have to deal with it. It wasn't my choice or my mistake and yet it seems to have changed me for life and that is what bothers me. I feel like a tree that has grown around a wire fence.

[coconuts]

My T and I had that discussion once. You are right. It's not our fault, we didn't choose this. He explained it to me like you would someone with heart disease, or diabetes. Not their fault. Not their choice. But they still need to deal with it. It isn't something that can just be ignored and not have terrible consequences. Ignoring a health problem won't make it go away. Better yet think of a physical injury. Ignoring a broken bone won't make it heal correctly. But tending to the break. And going thru physical therapy it can be healed. It's just something we have to face. But yeah.. it sucks... It it's not fair.