Letting go

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


My sister lives with our parents. My brother is interstate. They have five daughters between them and each has a daughter with two children. I can relate a little to having a preferred boy - he's Mother's blue eyed boy and Dad's number one son. However, didn't stop him being abused by male parent. Mum thinks Dad was worse when child was older - reminded her of two wild animals vying for supremacy. I believe brother moved out soonest, not only to escape but find a warmer place. He detests cold

Sadly, he's in many ways a copy of Dad. Except brother wants to do everything himself; Dad frequently asked for assistance. Whereas Dad took advantage of opportunities for increasing knowledge, brother can't see the point. We are blessed Dad never smoked or drank alcohol - brother does both

May all be peaceful in your district


Much caring

[dancingfish]

I like your idea EasyStreet, have been trying to write just shorter things rather than going silent for long periods too. :) (I find it difficult just to amass a reply to all parts of a post, or even read longer sections, sometimes. As if brain is in panic mode and doesn't want to be seen, plus will only process bitesize pieces before flibbetting!)

I'm still reading along with you, honeybera! Oh but your farm sounds like it is coming along so nicely. :D And with such gentleness and kindness for yourself, too! So that you manage it all as best you can. Sorry to hear about the firework scare, glad that was all okay!

May some gentle rains and good sun keep your garden growing, and hummingbirds fluttering around your WotW. :)

[honeybera]

Hi Easystreet. Sure, post a happy face if you'd like. I hope you enjoy reading my long posts. Please know how healing they are to me and how necessary to my overall therapy. You are always welcome to leave a smiley for me. In fact, I'd like that.

==================================

I like your idea EasyStreet, have been trying to write just shorter things rather than going silent for long periods too. (I find it difficult just to amass a reply to all parts of a post, or even read longer sections, sometimes. As if brain is in panic mode and doesn't want to be seen, plus will only process bitesize pieces before flibbetting!)

For me, making my posts more brief is worse than awful to me. It hurts me to not say exactly what and ALL of what I wish to say, and on any topic. I know that no one wants me to be hurt on here, and any of you can always pass me by if the length of my posts are troublesome to or uncomfortable for any of you. That oddly doesn't hurt me as bad as to be criticized for what I write DO write, or even worse (and especially) that I'm "writing too much". When I hear that it says to me that what I have to say is unimportant, but for me to leave it inside to fester is not good for me either. Even the good things are important for me to learn to share with others (like the garden). Once criticized, I have to wonder what the complainant wants left out. I hear criticism that I myself am lacking somehow and that I've failed to express myself in a more succinct manner. Ouch.

Any of you can simply scan my writings or delve deeply. I write to get rid of stuff anyway, whether it's being scrutinized by someone else or not. And a brief message back or even a happy face, a mere acknowledgement of my existence, is always appreciated, but my self worth is no longer dependent on that. I always write to "you all". Just to put it out there is VERY therapeutic to me. But what I do put out there is often extensive since it has been bottled up inside me for most of my life. I need to dump it and let it go, and that's just what I do on here. It's just that I really love ♥♥ isurvive.org ♥♥!! I'm SO grateful that this is here for me!!! It is often life saving for me, making my life happier, not so lonely, and making it worth living. What a kindness I find in that!

I'm still reading along with you, honeybera! Oh but your farm sounds like it is coming along so nicely. And with such gentleness and kindness for yourself, too! So that you manage it all as best you can. Sorry to hear about the firework scare, glad that was all okay!

Yeah, I was almost garden-less and homeless!!! Very scary. I'd just put a full 4" of VERY dry straw on ALL the ground in the dog's yard. Yikes.

The squash are so prolific now, and they get HUGE even before I spot them on the bushes, but for the life of me I still don't seem to be able to give stuff away. It's that old hoarder problem that I've had for years, but it's one more thing to work on. I am working on it, but it's hard for me to let go of "things", be it veggies that I don't need or things in my kitchen or garage. It's like I feel threatened somehow letting it go. I need to ponder that...seriously. I'd like to figure out where that is coming from and then learn to let it go. I have faith that it will come to me in due time; I just need to be very honest with myself.


My kitchen is getting better and better! I made some of my old standby keto veggie recipes tonight and they turned out GREAT! I will make both bread and muffins tomorrow. I am even moving dishes, pots, and pans around to be more convenient for my new style of cooking.

=======================================(Two days later)

I made the bread and muffins (cherry-almond with sugar free choc. chunks) and they both turned out very nicely. (I actually DID what I SAID I'd do!! YAY!) It's going to be HOT HOT HOT around here for the next several days, so no work in the garden, but it's 76-77ºF inside my house. Today was "clean out the kitchen pantry" day (again). It's a BIG walk-in pantry, so lots of work and cleaning involved! It's going to be anywhere from 101º-105ºF for the next week , and today I kept going on the kitchen pantry shelves.

Way back on one shelf a mouse or something had gnawed away a hole in an old cereal bag and it spilled all back there unnoticed, so I swept it out (nasty droppings and all! ) onto an old cardboard box piece and dumped all that, then used bleach water TWICE and dried it nicely. When it dried, I put in one of my new 18" lazy susans. I bought some lazy susans of all sizes to go on the shelves so nothing EVER gets stuck in the back and sits there unnoticed for up to 7 years! Last week when I emptied the shelves like this of all the old things, I filled up the kitchen garbage can so heavily (mostly heavy canned foods that were definitely EXPIRED) that when DS went to dump it the neighbor had to help him lift it up to dump into the big 96 gallon trash bin that the garbage men pick up with a lift on their truck!! (I won't fill it up like that again!!)

The lazy susans also will be a place for all my many flavorings and spices. Right now they are merely CLUTTER all over my sideboard. Once put into the walk in pantry I can replace them on the sideboard with my machines: my stand mixer (that I use now for the bread-making), Veggie Bullet (cauliflower rice, ♥Zoodles♥ [zucchini noodles], etc.), Instant Pot, food processor. All of this is a dream come true for me! And on the kitchen "island", which has become my DS's barista area for his fancy flavored teas and coffees, I can remove many of the kitchen machines that are in his way now. This is working out for both of us.

Most of these machines I've had for several years, but never used. Now I use them all the time and my goal is to use them even more. Keto isn't hard, but I do have to cook from scratch more. My keto friendly kitchen allows me to cook darned near whatever the recipe calls for, but they are often unusual ingredients (almond/coconut/hazelnut/and so on flours, little flavored oil bottles with droppers, bottles and bottles of sugar free syrups all with push pumps in them, TONS of spices, bags and bags of erythritol, sucralose [liquid Splenda], Stevia, and monk fruit [all artificial sweeteners], yeast, baking powder, sugar free EVERYTHING, xanthan gum, psyllium husks [both whole and powdered], oat fiber, vital wheat gluten, inulin, coconut EVERYTHING [ALL UNSWEETENED, coconut oil, butter (aka manna), desiccated flakes or finely ground, canned cream of coconut, in other words, ALL THINGS COCONUT], etc.) and a freezer full of meats (all kinds) and lots and lots of butter, lard, bacon, and olive and avocado oil. I think I would have considered what I have and what I use in my kitchen now (instead of 2 yrs. ago before keto) quite odd.

But it sure makes it easy to whip up some yummy keto thing. I love it because NOTHING seems to be off limits for me (except legumes [beans, lentils, etc.] and most fruit...and of course all grains, sugars, and starchy veggies). I can make cakes, pies, cookies, candied nuts, fudge, fat bombs, REAL mayonnaise (YUM!), "Loaded Faux-tato Salad", Mashed Cauliflower, and Cauliflower "Mac" n' Cheese, and even BREAD and "Biscuits and Country Sausage Gravy"! And the recipes are FREE for me right there on the internet! Even crispy breaded meats or a nice casserole. I'm in heaven! And I'm losing weight! And very few pains anymore.

And with some hard kitchen work during the next few scorching days outside, I can make my kitchen a LOT more Honeybera Friendly while staying cool inside! There is so much to do!!!!! I need to reevaluate ALL my shelves in the kitchen, especially my old nasty frying pans and excess dinner plates, etc! Most of the stuff that was put there when I moved in and was due to a frantic asking of, "WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS???" and my befuddled answer of, "Anywhere?! Up (or down) there I guess?" and there it's been for the last 19 yrs. OY VEY!! After "moving in", I did NOT unpack everything, but had to scramble back to work. I worked for 5-7 days/wk., driving full time (and overtime) + a 3 hr. 100 mile DAILY round trip commute for the first 3½ yrs that I lived over here until DS turned 18. I went thru 3 cars in my 25 yrs. and several windshields due to passing big rigs kicking up rocks. It was grueling, but I'd do it again. I just never did get to "settle in" to my new home. Now I have that luxury.

And due to having you to share with, it's getting easier and easier to "get 'er done". It's like changing my habits. If I clean out my bathroom sink, it has to STAY clean! If my clothes fill up my laundry hamper, off to the washer it goes. And then the clothes get put away WHERE THEY GO! That is a brand new way of being for me. MD never taught me anything except, "Stay out of my way!! I can do it 10 times better and 10 times faster than you!!" Always the shaming. Always the criticism. As a teenager, I once attempted to cook something for me to eat when my parents went out somewhere, and when they returned home and she discovered what I'd done (used her kitchen), she nearly beat me senseless! As a mother myself, I'm beginning to understand just how wrong she was. Only lately (by reparenting myself) can I appreciate and even enjoy doing household chores. My usual reaction to her "upbringing" was to RESIST doing my chores at all costs (once out of her home), even when I could see that things needed to be done. But now I'm enjoying looking at the vacuumed or mopped floor or straightened shelf and that is my happy payoff more and more as this gets easier and easier to do. I'm retraining myself I think. HUZZAH!!! I guess you're never too old.

I'm also seeing the difference in DS. He has his clothes in his new chest of drawers and his room is being picked up. He's doing better on his form of keto (Carnivore Diet laced with large volumes of cashews) than even I am if I only consider weight loss. I can't have cashews (because I will overeat them every time - they are a weakness of mine), but DS can handle them. He likes my bread and muffins, too, especially the bread. I can see him mimicking me, both in diet and cleaning, and it pleases me very much.

I'm going to go get a cuppa decaf right now because it's getting late and I'm not really "hungry". I've had a muffin and a cuppa regular coffee hours ago. If I eat now...not good. So I think I'll just get a cuppa decaf (so I can sleep), but also get that HWC + butter, too, so I won't be hungry at all, plus it won't stimulate my insulin levels. That's how this whole thing works. It's not ALL "the food", but rather the intermittent fasting that does it! And since my food is so high fat (which does NOT stimulate insulin), I can easily skip many meals comfortably, which causes weight loss and many other benefits. MANY!

Ah! The decaf! Time for that now. Tomorrow I'll water in the AM! By 9am it will be 80ºF!! But only 68ºF @ 6am! Should be 102ºF tomorrow as a high in the afternoon , but I'll be inside cleaning my kitchen pantry and my dining table. It's all coming along!!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Hey Fleur!

Thank you so much for sharing with me. I appreciate you taking the time to share that with me.

My sister lives with our parents. My brother is interstate. They have five daughters between them and each has a daughter with two children. I can relate a little to having a preferred boy - he's Mother's blue eyed boy and Dad's number one son. However, didn't stop him being abused by male parent. Mum thinks Dad was worse when child was older - reminded her of two wild animals vying for supremacy. I believe brother moved out soonest, not only to escape but find a warmer place. He detests cold

Sadly, he's in many ways a copy of Dad. Except brother wants to do everything himself; Dad frequently asked for assistance. Whereas Dad took advantage of opportunities for increasing knowledge, brother can't see the point. We are blessed Dad never smoked or drank alcohol - brother does both

What a picture this paints. Have you delved deeply into the why of it all, or does that interest you? Why you? Why your brother? And why is your sister still living at home? Do your nieces still live there? With their children? Was she abused? My gosh, how they cripple us sometimes. And I wonder why? What was the point of it after all?

MD did it all without smoking or alcohol, too - well, back there a few decades ago after I was long since out of her home, she was polishing off a gallon or two of cheap red vino at a time, but when she slipped and fell off the diving board drunk and began to hear ridicule from others of her actions, she stopped it. But she wasn't a drinker when she laid into me, either. What makes them do that, Fleur? Why on earth would your father abuse you and his #1 son? And why does Son #1 become like his abuser, emulating him? I remember once right after a beating standing on the manhole cover in front of our house (aka Home Plate) with my baseball glove in place waiting for my friends to come over and play and saying to myself, "I will NEVER EVER EVER do this [abuse] to MY kids!!" - and then doing the exact same thing to my oldest son right up until he turned 6 and I really hurt him! He didn't get up. And I turned myself in to Dept. of Soc. Services and they sent out a counselor. She was great, and very kind to me, and it really helped! I still remember that fury that was in me and how it felt, but I was able to finally stop that rage. I have apologized to my older DS many, many times for doing that to him. MD just felt more protected and enabled to do what she did. No need to change for her, nor to apologize. What a shame.

Have your Mum or Dad ever attempted to apologize to you?

You said your brother detested the cold. How did you live in a cold place in Australia? Isn't it hot all over there, or at least inland? It doesn't get "cold" here at all except from Dec. 15th - Jan. 31st or so, and never enough to snow. Very mild weather except for the summers which we're having now when this place mimics the surface of the sun. I love the cold, but in my 5 yrs. of retirement have learned how to survive (quite nicely) when it's blistering outside. Isn't it at least warm on the coast of AU? I've only seen pictures, but it looks lovely. And I recall you describing the flowers growing in the Spring.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to your post. I needed to take a step back from other posts and decide exactly how I wanted to express myself and check it out with my DS before answering the other post. BTW, how is your DS doing? And your dear little kitty Soxy? I hope they are doing well.

And I hope that you are doing well, too. And thanks again for sharing. {{{{Fleur}}}}

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


No, never an apology from parents. Mother said I wasn't really hurt very much and I deserved what I got - remember, she was not privy to the hidden abuse by Dad

Dad often said he was catching up for times he didn't know what I'd done wrong if I ever complained - and then hit more

It can be cold here, however my brother was abused and hated the fickle weather conditions. Even the middle of the country has snow occasionally and this year was a record for frost. I've noticed it gets cool where he is too but earlier this month he said the wind was "straight from the Antarctic". It was the first time he admitted feeling chilled to the bone

Dad and he have a sadistic streak. They like seeing their children cry or upset. Dad seemed happiest when everyone was sad. Brother once pinched a daughter hard enough to leave bruises - however he escaped child protection notice is beyond me. Although, probably I wouldn't know. After all, not something to brag about or discuss is it?

I was unaware he phones Mum roughly every second Sunday and "has done for years" to quote himself

Sister's middle daughter moved out long ago. She rents with a young man who pays off the house. Sadly, her boyfriend dropped her after his family took her with them to visit USA - he evidently liked being engaged but wasn't ready for marriage

Oldest daughter moved in with her partner when they chose to buy a house. They have a boy and girl, almost 3 and one, respectively

Youngest girl might as well be in a boarding house for she mainly stays in her room when not at uni or with her long-term boyfriend

Brother is on his own, although his oldest relies on Grandpa to mind her two daughters, 8 and 12

Your baking sounds scrumptious. Really wonderful that you have worked out how to divide your days with being in garden early and inside tasks when hotter

I've read about family dynamics changing when someone takes the lead. In your case, son is helpful because he sees the neatness you created

Can relate to not letting go of items, although I have only a vague sense of reasoning - very few possessions whilst growing up

Glad to know that you are in less pain with the Keto/intermittent fasting regime. Losing weight is an extra bonus in one way, in another perhaps losing weight helped reduce the pain levels - anyway, a true win situation

Wishing you and your son very well. Haven't heard from mine for a while

Soxy is with my sister, etc - it is best at the moment, as I'm supposed to have a planned admission to hospital and somehow my body has become super sensitive to feline dander. Dr thinks that will change once we get my immune system balanced. Thank you for enquiring


Much caring

[EasyStreet]

Hi honeybera,

I have nothing profound to say, just that you reminded me of how wonderful it is to grow and cook your own food as one operation. Did it for a number of years, not doing it now, though I should be.

Interacting with the plants as they live and as they give us life, that is a special thing. I have no doubt that you are enjoying that blessing.

[honeybera]

Hi Fleur!

It was so nice of you to share with me today! The old painful things are always tough to write about and read about, but the fact that we are rising above what happened to us in the distant past is empowering, don't you think?

I don't know of the specifics of your "hidden abuse", but I sure can identify with it. MD's abuse of me was always hidden, too. I KNOW why she picked on me as your father picked on you and your brother, but rather than pure sadism, hers stemmed from intense self hatred and jealousy and extreme dislike of anyone female. They even had picked the nickname of "Spike" for me, and MD had promised my father a B-O-Y. Sorry, didn't happen! Dad was so upset he even told the congratulating nurse announcing that I was a girl, "NO! I have a BOY! My name's _________!" And of course they shared that with me as a child. But MD kept her disgust of me hidden from the outside world, even from my father, and when she beat me mercilessly, she did it in private and when no one else was around to witness it. So yeah, I do understand that phrase.

Your baking sounds scrumptious. Really wonderful that you have worked out how to divide your days with being in garden early and inside tasks when hotter

I only wish I could share it with you! Right now, due to the extremely hot weather, I've taken to watering and doing outdoor chores between 6-8am when it's only 65-80ºF, depending on the day's eventual high temp. This weekend should hit a whopping 106º and 109º, so I need to get whatever chores (especially watering!) done by 8am. I've been sleeping in the very early evening, getting up between 3-6am, and getting out there to take care of my yard/garden at around 6am, just as the sun is coming up. It was hard for me to do at first, but now I'm getting the hang of it very nicely. A big plus is that I can sleep in the hottest times of the day while really enjoying my time outside in the cooler early morning dawn.

Today I had planned to repair the fire damage done to my hummingbird garden (salvia) underneath my kitchen windows on July 4th, but once out there on the other side of the yard, I began to putter around pulling the overgrowing whippy weeds (aka vibrant blue-violet morning glory trumpet flowering vines) OFF my poor fruit trees that had been covered with them. I used my pruning snips to do the job. I've found that my snips make quick work of those whippy weeds, especially if I cut them off as closely to the ground as possible. Then I cleaned out one of my four planters of strawberries that had gotten very overgrown with weeds. I'm really very proud of my garden ATM. I have convinced myself to water daily, especially the tomatoes and squash. That is a really big deal and an extension of my mental health and healing from the abuse. The garden is thriving! It reflects my own attitude!

I'm also getting very sleepy, even though it's only 7pm! (YAY!) But I wanted to tell you about my 3 hummingbirds who have taken over my garden and what salvia there is left. One of them is very friendly and comes in closely to watch me water and putter while being almost aggressive about "his" salvia with the other hummers. Due to my own ignorance of the extreme need to prune these plants back to ensure lots of blossoms that draw in the hummingbirds, my little salvia plot back there is sparse, to say the least! Right next to the WOW is my Red Hot Mama and my 3 almost scraggly Black and Blues. Around the corner by the spigot are the Hot Lips salvia and Purple Lighthouse. Those two have more blossoms than these right here. But all are coming around since I gave them a gentle pruning and more blossoms are forming. These hummers are such a hoot to watch! They attempt to eat constantly at the drying up salvia blossoms while fighting with each other, zipping around the yard like crazy. They aren't even afraid of the dogs, but the dogs aren't even slightly interested in them to begin with.

I'm hitting the wall, so to speak. I can hardly keep my eyes open! Time to ease off to sleep I guess. I'll be buying more "hummingbird plants" soon. But not until much later. I still have a lot to plant still: my blueberries and raspberries and another Hot Lips salvia (red and white) + another two salvia called Wendy's Wish (these are pink). Just thinking of it is making me sleepy and relaxed. There's always tomorrow...

TTFN

Honeybera, Official Hummingbird Lover!

[honeybera]

Hi honeybera,

I have nothing profound to say, just that you reminded me of how wonderful it is to grow and cook your own food as one operation. Did it for a number of years, not doing it now, though I should be.

Interacting with the plants as they live and as they give us life, that is a special thing. I have no doubt that you are enjoying that blessing.

Hi EasyStreet! I'm totally exhausted today. Lots of work out there in my garden today before it became like the surface of the sun! One of the things that I like the best is when I'm watering and I look up and there's a hummingbird hovering and humming a mere foot away from my face, so close I can hear his wings move! He's done that for 4 days in a row and is becoming very familiarized to me. It's so pleasant! And now there are a whopping THREE of them out there! It's truly lovely and a privilege to watch!

Tonight I had a NY steak that I found in my freezer, I fried that steak in a bit of lard, picked some yummy squash (Costata Romanesca - a fancy striped zucchini), fried that, too, and that was my one-meal-a-day dinner except for the keto cherry-almond muffin with choc. chunks I had for dessert with a cuppa Bulletproof coffee with butter, whipping cream, a dash of cinnamon, and squirts of sugar free choc., hazelnut, and salted caramel syrups. Total YUM!

Tonight I'm going to make Reisha 2019's dreams and the dreams of the debaters come true and get a train to dreamsville myself, cutting this short! But the blessing of all this is that you and I both understand just how much of a true blessing this is! Life is sweet!!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Oh my, honeybera, hummingbird heaven - bliss for both you and them

[honeybera]

Oh my, honeybera, hummingbird heaven - bliss for both you and them

Wish you were here! The hummers (all 3 of them!) are quite unafraid of me as I water the garden or or when seeing the dogs following slowly at my feet. Instead, these zippy little visitors to my yard concentrate on getting that nectar in the flowers! And later, with my indoor vantage point of a one-way film on my slider, I watch them fight for dominance. I see it as cute. I don't know if they'd describe it that way. One is a tiny baby hummer slightly over 2" long and doesn't fight as much as the other two. It sneaks in as the other two are chasing each other in and out of the yard like a shot. Brilliant! I wish I could bottle the nature of this scene and ship it to you to enjoy. It's so relaxing!

It's 105ºF here today (but only 76ºF in my house). I had limp and wilting squash just outside my window at about 2pm today and forced myself to go out and water them. I thought that they'd be ok when I did yard clean up instead of watering during my 6am "yard duty", but sadly, no. I did "July 4th burnt area" clean up over near my kitchen window, thinking that watering could be skipped for one day. I was wrong! The squash are real water hogs (they wilt and go limp if I miss even one day!), as are the peppers and the tomatoes. Next year I'll be planting less varieties of squash, only one raised bed of peppers (planted much earlier than I did this year), 2-3 varieties of tomatoes (just enough for our use), and a whole bunch of salvia and penstemons, both hummingbird flowers, so my hummers have something to eat! I have some purple Butterfly Bush growing now, too, but no one is paying much attention to it...YET.

As I have been writing this, I have seen one tiny bird taking a bird bath and getting a drink, then flitting over and getting a meal in the other seed-filled bird bath. A dove came in for a drink, too. I'm so glad that I can afford them this sustenance, especially during such a hot spell. It's funny to watch them drink: the sparrow takes a sip repeatedly and tips his head back to swallow, but the dove sticks his beak in and slurps it up in one swig like he's using a straw in a milkshake! And I roughed up some ground with my hoe about 10' from my WOW and the little birds take dust baths there. If this is how I end my life, winning in this delightful way, I am satisfied.

As DS likes to remind me, "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.", especially as it applies to MD. At this moment, I'm feeling pretty good, in the cat bird's seat, and I feel like I've won the war. I lost many battles, but I am the ultimate winner! And that feels mighty nice, I can tell you!

Off to bed soon, relaxed and happy!

{{{{{{{{{{{Fleur!!}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera