Feel completely let down and angry and disappointed

[rybeana]

So a two weeks ago i arranged a girls night out with a few friends and my cousin. Which for me is a big deal. I don't get to do much due to anxiety and previous experiences. And everyone was excited to come out and looking forward to it even up until this morning.

I understand that sometimes people forget or end up not be able to go and so on. But this happens to me every single time i try to arrange anything. So a couple cancelled lunchtime today, and one this evening quite late this evening. But that's ok, me and my cousin will go out. Was supposed to pick her up today, so drove over to hers which is around an hour away without traffic. She hasn't answered my calls, but I thought nothing of it. So I arrive, knock on her door nothing, no answer, nothing. So I call, nothing, I call again, then knock, and send a message. Still nothing. Thinking that she'd popped to the shop I waited. But still nothing. At this point I'm getting worried, so I call my aunty see if she has heard from her. She had, in-between my calls. So my aunty contacts her, and low and behold she answers and has gone to her friends house.

To this, my aunty lets me know and apologises on my cousins behalf. But whilst on the phone my cousin then texts me to have a go at me, saying why did I have to call her mum? Well i was worried and we had made plans and due to you feeling down this morning, was really concerned. She has had previous overdose attempts. But instead, she ignored me completely on purpose, didn't let me know, didn't bother to send a simple, sorry not going to be able to make it. Anything then complete and utter ignorance. She was able to pick up the phone to my aunty, able to arrange to go to her friends house for the evening, while completely and utterly ignoring me. I felt so angry and betrayed by her actions. I have done nothing but her out constantly, with money, car, home items, food, bills, as she is struggling at the moment. But to make matters worse, it took three and a half hours to get home, due to overnight motorway closures all the way home? And that made my mood and temper sky rocket.

Is it wrong to stop speaking to her? She has since ignored my reply. She seems to be happy to go onto social media etc whilst ignoring me. Am I wrong to be angry? Am i wrong to think that she is completely and utterly selfish? I broke down when i got home. Completely and utterly broke down. I've changed the phone setting so that her calls now go to voicemail, not that she will bother to contact me or apologise. Am I wrong to just to cut her out of my life now? IS that wrong to do? I feel that every time I try to arrange anything with anyone it just appears that they cancel. Never show or as my own family member has done. Completely and utterly ignore me. I feel today like a failure, like there is something that is wrong with me, something so bad that these people around me just treat my like shite even my own family.

I am still angry now and its been 3 hours since i got home. And nothing I do is helping. So i thought i might vent on here and see what others think. Sorry if its long winded, i do like to be a keyboard warrior at times. I am hurting right now, sad, angry, annoyed, angry at myself. I feel as though i am failing and falling into the trap of hating myself again because it appears that everyone else seems to.

[ephes]

Hi,

That sucks. From what you write she showed you no consideration or respect. Of course you're angry.
This is not because YOU are a failure, but because THEY were being shitty.

You can confront her ("hey that sucked and I don't ever want to be treated like that anymore"), or cut her out of your life, or grey rock her and just give her evasive, vague answers from now on and not taking the initiative again for contact but no confrontation and no clear stop of communicating. Which one of these are best for you in the long run?
I guess it depends on how much she means to you, how probable you think it is that she will realise that her behaviour was not ok, how many times this has happened etc.

Hope your day gets better, sending warm thoughts:)

[EasyStreet]

Hi rybeana,

What ephes said. You deserve a certain amount of respect even if she didin't want to go out with you at the last minute.
People are free to act however they, want, but when they start messing with you, (through omission or commission) you owe it to yourself to deal with it.

I'm sorry it upset you so much. I can tell it was important to you. Remember you can't control other people, but you can work on your reactions.

Wishing you a happy day and bright sunshine.

[coconuts]

Oh I would be ticked too. And yeah the long drive home would fire me up. I would likely step waaaay back on the relationship. (That's me though). You deserve to stand up for yourself. Even a simple text saying I can't meet tonight would have sufficed. She was being rude and there is no question to that. Also seems like she is using you if you keep bailing her out if her problems but can be just decent in return. I wouldn't cut out but again that's just me. I don't like burning bridges unless I absolutely have to for safety or some other reason. I hope you rested and found some calm when you awoke.

[rybeana]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your thoughts on this. I have tried to speak to her, to let her know what it felt like and how I saw her behaviour as, but instead of her understanding or realising, she is just showing selfish tendencies and that I appear to be at fault?!

I've calmed down considerably now, but the hurt is still there.I tend to find it is one way traffic. Everyone has their right to cancel or not want to do something, I wont ever fault that. I guess its just her behaviour and lack of any kind of respect. She had the audacity to just point blank ignore me whilst still speaking with others and with a friend. If she as she put it wanted time and to be left alone, which to her is normally not speaking or seeing anyone this time she just singled me out. That's what I find hardest. And it seems that she repeats this process with my until she needs or wants something. And I will always try to be the best help I can to anyone that is meant to be close to me or even not close to me. And maybe that makes me an easy target? I'm one of those that will give you the food off of my plate if you are hungry, the shirt off my back if you are cold or in need.

But I feel, that now she has burnt that bridge with me, I will be taking as a step back, I will leave her to her own devices, regardless of her wants or needs. I feel used by her and looking back over things throughout the years, I find that she is very take take take and has no tendency to think of others, those around her. She is a very selfish person and I don't want that in my life, I don't expect her to jump to action every single time I ask, but I would like some level of mutual respect, something I can now see that she is clearly lacking. Family or not, I am not willing to be constantly used, ignored and disrespected. I wont completely ignore her, but I will not be going out of my way for her. That ship has now sailed and this was the final straw. Especially when she can not see fault in how she has acted and instead just continued to belittle me, who I am and why I felt as I did, trying to emphasise with her and understand her didn't work. Sorry for the long winded approach.

Hope you all have a happy day and week

Rybeana

[coconuts]

Yay for you for standing up for yourself you deserve respect . No one should treat you like that and you should stick up for yourself when they do. She sounds like a taker. Someone who sucks everything from you but never gives back. Or if they do it's in small token payment. Nothing significant. So sorry this happened. But glad you are being true to you.

[rybeana]

Thanks coconuts,

I think it is about time that I stand up for me. Those that truly care will understand this and help and be there for me, no matter what.

I have found over the years that many people do take from my kind hearted nature and for want of a better word, just use me for what they can get out of me. But never seem to be there when it matters for me. I know that it isn't give to receive but there is a level of respect that is needed, in this case, and it does pain me to say, I have to distance myself from my cousin, and take a stand.

I am still disappointed and feel completely let down, but I'm no longer angry. Life will keep going, and I am on this journey, one that my cousin never took a moment to listen to, or encourage.

[Noname]

rybeana, I'm really loving your most recent post here. I can't tell you how long it's taken me to even consider the fact that I should stand up for myself. Still struggling with it a little, if I'm being completely honest. But, you absolutely deserve respect. You deserve to be valued for who you are - not just what you do for other. Unfortunately, there are too many people in the world who will take advantage of kind, caring, generous people. But that's their defect, not yours. I'm sorry that your cousin took and took - and took you for granted. But you distancing yourself from her is her loss.

[rybeana]

Hi noname...

I'm glad you are loving the post, it was more for a vent and to question if i was at fault. But in doing so I've learnt a valuable lesson. And I was in your place not so long ago, but it's time to take a stand. Don't get me wrong I will help where help is needed, but I will not allow others to take advantage of my kind nature.

It will take time as with everything. But I am positive that you will be there completely too. What's helped me is to just look back at everything, write it down if it helps? Those that care, love and respect you will always be there, and will understand when you stand up for yourself, they will respect you for it and it won't change the way they feel or are towards you. If it does, then you know that they do not respect you or what you stand for.

If ever you need to vent, discuss, explain I'm here and I'll listen and no doubt will encourage you too!

[Noname]

Hi rybeana,

Don't get me wrong I will help where help is needed, but I will not allow others to take advantage of my kind nature.

That's great! Self-compassion and self-worth can be really difficult especially for survivors. It's great that you can see your own worth. I'm sure I'll get there someday. I've made slow but steady progress with it. I just have so many old messages to wade through. Thank you for your kindness and support. I hope that you're doing ok.