(A Very Timid) Hi To Everyone

[AStarIsTorn]

Hi there. I actually joined almost a month ago now, but I'm just now getting around to saying hello. I joined and then quickly avoided my healing like the plague for a little while so that I could just be at peace and enjoy some big milestones (my son's 2nd birthday and my husband and I's 5th wedding anniversary).

Tonight, I got back into the thick of therapy. I'm doing exposure therapy, and tonight was time to share my second to hardest memory for the first time... ever. I don't have a ton of memories, but I know that the abuse went on for years (age ~5-8?). I don't know if I should be happy that I don't remember all of it or terrified that more might still come up.

Anywho, in general, I've also been hesitant to speak up because I very much feel that my abuse wasn't all that bad. Despite the fact that it has completely controlled my life for as long as I can remember, and despite the fact that I was in uncontrollable tears tonight as I recited this memory, I still try to tell myself that it could have been worse.

Anyone relate? I know I haven't given specifics. I've honestly never known another person who was abused and willing to talk about it, so this is very new.

Peace and love to all.

[Serenity]

Hi and welcome, AStarIsTorn. I'm sorry for the reasons but glad you are here posting now. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you've said. Just remember there's no one keeping score here. No one's experiences are "better" or "worse" than anyone else's. You will find nothing but support and understanding here.

With care,
Serenity

[coconuts]

Hello and welcome.

There is no scale for who's pain is worse here or anything of the sort. The hurt you feel is valid. Just because someone else is hurting doesn't mean you are not. The effects of abuse are so real. So painful and you deserve caring and support through it.

Welcome. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here but welcome.

[EasyStreet]

Hi AStarisTorn,

First of all, welcome. There is a lot of good stuff here on this forum, mixed in with all the bad things people experienced, it can help you with the bad.

it has completely controlled my life for as long as I can remember

Yeah, me too. I think there are all kinds of forces controlling how a child will respond to different kinds of abuse (from sexual torture to simple neglect or failure to attach), none of them under control of the abused child. I think the only rule here is to look at your symptoms, what bothers you, what hurts, acknowledge your pain and the try to "figure it out", make the unconscious conscious in order to process it. Kind of like bringing an adult understanding to what you experienced as a kid. You couldnt' process it then, maybe (maybe) you can process it now. And maybe it will hurt less.

I'm kind of at the lower end of the spectrum of "horrible shit" compared to many others, Probably a lot of people would beg to have had my childhood compared to theirs, but that doesn't matter. What matters is the truth of what happened, and what you had to do to survive And what you had to do to survive is probably related to your current pain.

But whatever --- You are accepted here for yourself. You are the one to gauge your pain. We simply believe you.

(edit: changed to MT because of vulgarity)

[AStarIsTorn]

The shame is real. It's taking a lot of work to retrain myself to keep up with self care and also to grant myself (that little girl inside) a little more compassion and understanding.

Thanks for welcoming me into your safe haven here

[Jonesy]

Hi AStarIsTorn

Adding my warm welcome to the mix - glad you found us

[Harbor]

Welcome, AStarIsTorn

It is likely that whatever your reasons for being here, someone can relate. There are no comparisons here, just compassion.

[Xanthia]

Hi AStarIsTorn,

Welcome to iSurvive. As previously mentioned by others, I'm saddened about your reason for joining. However, very happy you are here. May you find what you desire.

Yes, speaking with others about abuse, trauma, is seldom a topic of conversation. For a long while, I thought what occurred was normal family dynamics. When symptoms arose, not even health professionals were willing to listen. Fortunately, I think that has changed for children with mandatory reporting and increased awareness.

Wishing you very well in all aspects of life.

If / when you choose to share more details, you might like to write on a forum that suits. Open forum is just that - open to anyone to read, not only members.

With care,

[AStarIsTorn]

Hi Xanthia. Thanks for welcoming me.

I definitely understand what you mean when you say:

For a long while, I thought what occurred was normal family dynamics.

My family still thinks it's just my thing that I can "fix" through therapy.

I've been visiting the incest thread. Everyone is so open. It's encouraging. Eventually, I will gather the courage to post. It'll probably take some anger or sadness induced moment to push me there.

[Xanthia]

Hi AStarIsTorn,

Being encouraged by reading posts can be useful - lets us know we are (sadly) not the only one for whom this has occurred.

Great that you have a T (therapist). May you find therapy helpful.

With care,