Letting go

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


Or should that be Farmer honeybera? Smile

You have been very busy in all kinds of ways

Some of what you share resonates with me and I'm sure my Dad and your MD would be similar in character were we to compare

Really great that you are seeing so many health changes. Wonder if the issue with your hands could relate to your driving of big steering wheel controls?

Appreciate your sharing about your garden. Congratulations on getting so much more organised, in garage, house, garden and especially working out a plan for your dogs food kept ant free


Much caring

[honeybera]

Solved the TV remote problem! It seems that when the remote fell onto the floor and a battery came out, and I put it back in upside down. DS spotted it immediately and now all is well. So simple to fix, but I felt so foolish.

DS is (I hope!!) cleaning his room. It has been such a disaster area, worse than any of the rest of the house (which is shaping up nicely). He seems inspired, but then he lags again. He (nor I) have been really enthusiastic regarding housework, but I'm hoping that he'll get it done soon. He asked me for a chest of drawers to replace what I had given him a decade and a half ago, some plastic drawers I got at the local hardware store. He's lost most of the drawers.

I have also been finding BIG PILES of filthy dishes with ancient dried up and caked on "food" that he stacks up in my sink from time to time that definitely need soaking to loosen the SOLID ugly "food" stuck in them. He locates them under knee deep rubble, gathers them up, and brings them into the kitchen unannounced, instigating another icky chore for me...but I welcome them, honestly. Better in my sink for soaking and later thorough washing (once scrubbed free of all debris ) in the HOTTEST WATER in the dishwasher. I didn't realize I had that many dishes! But I am keeping up with his mess, too, as he discovers it and deposits it into my sink. He literally FILLED UP our 96 gallon trash can last week, just with things from his room mess. We had no room for our weekly kitchen trash to go out last week!

=============================================(several days later - Thursday)

I have been SO BUSY lately! Bought DS a $1500 chest of drawers ON MEMORIAL DAY SALE for $600 and change! GORGEOUS piece of furniture! It will be here tomorrow. We also got him a really nice new Queen mattress to go with the new 18" bed frame already sitting in its box in the front room. He's also got a new computer (waiting since last year) and a 32" gaming monitor, still in the box and waiting in the hallway. He has somehow shredded his old mattress and the old bed frame came apart, but he just slept on the slant. Between me getting my act together and DS seeing a T of his own, I'm seeing a real change in both how he sees himself and how he treats me and his things. It's like a breath of fresh air. He even puts away the dishes without being nagged by me to do so, so that I can reload the dishwasher. Like night and day. Proud of him and his efforts!!

============================================(several hours later)

I had to run down and pick up my Organic Potting Soil (30 bags) to fill up 10 new Smart Pots. This afternoon I picked up 5 big bales of straw and DS brought it into my backyard, clearing the truck bed for the 30 bags. I researched the internet and found that approx. 4" of straw mulch will deter weed growth. It also looks very bucolic and "farmy". I just love it so far. No more thorny and sharp goat head seeds being tracked into the house by piercing the soles of our shoes and my poor dog's paws out in the dog's yard. OUCH! Once inside, these treacherous seeds will pierce our bare feet, too, until it breaks the skin and makes the puncture site bleed! DOUBLE OUCH!! So now, with the thick layer of straw lining the ground, NO MORE WEEDS! Even the neighbor's super-determined Whippy Weeds can't sneak in here unnoticed since they have to slither their vines across the top of the straw and I'll spot them and destroy them! Right up to the fence line. I love my straw!!

============================================(several days later again! Saturday)

Majorly BUSY!!! But it's also very hot out there in the afternoons and I'm taking a break until this evening when it feels cooler (somewhat) and is in the shade for some relief. I'm lifting those 1.5 cu ft bags of potting soil out of the back of the pickup, onto my Worx wagon, and d-r-a-g it into the backyard!! THEY ARE SOOO HEAVY!!! The hardware store clerk loaded it onto my truck with a fork lift on a pallet this trip!!!! I can only manage lifting 3 bags at a time (and there are THIRTY bags on this pallet!!), so that is 10 loads (without help or assistance!!), but I've made 4 trips already. SO PROUD OF MYSELF!! I will continue to move those bags out until the truck is empty, then a load of donations goes (out of the garage mostly). I bought 15 new clear, plastic, locking tubs for garage shelf storage and 6 more for Computer Room storage. NO MORE CARDBOARD BOXES!! But first I have to finish unloading the 30 bags already there. Buying it by pushing a button on my computer is easy, thinking whatever project up is even easier, but offloading it and making it a reality? OY VEY!!

Oh Fleur! You're there! G'day!!

You have been very busy in all kinds of ways

You have no idea!!! I won't run out of things to do for quite some time! It is getting better by the day, though. Once all this is finished, just "doing housework" (vacuum, mop, cook, gardening) will seem quite tame in comparison to doing all of that PLUS all the rest of the organizational things and tidying up.

I was able to get to sleep last night at 1am, a real achievement for me! I was awake at 9:30am, or sort of "awake". It takes me a while to wake up. I did what I'd determined to do (out of bed, put on garden clogs, and just go out there and just "stand there" - because that always gets me working as I notice what needs doing - but I have to be outside first, or else I just "think about it" instead of DOING IT), but I did not step outside until after 10am. Hey, I'm retired! As my old Inner Critic retreats and my Inner Child steps up, I find that I am kinder to myself and allow myself to experience delight and to be delighted without shame. How refreshing that is!!

Really great that you are seeing so many health changes. Wonder if the issue with your hands could relate to your driving of big steering wheel controls?

You hit the nail on the head!!! My old knee pain (arthritis) is GONE ever since I no longer have to hold a 40 ft. transit bus in idle at a 5 min. long intersection traffic signal!!! Over and over and over again. No more "carpal tunnel syndrome" either. That came up in 1990 and plagued me for decades, but all I have now is Dupuytren's contracture in my right hand, and yes, that's probably from 25 yrs. of pulling that heavy steering wheel all day long.

But I can proudly say, too, that ALL of my muumuus are BAGGING on me now! There is so much material in them that they literally drape and billow on me when I walk along, even when I sit! There is such a lot of material that is just bagging!! I can actually SEE the difference in my weight loss! I have one big lump on the right side of my stomach which is like "separate" from the rest of my (still very big, but SO much better!!) stomach in the way the rest of my belly has reduced. This lump seems to be something different than the rest in reduction rates. I'm going to mention it to the doctor at next visit...briefly. If it was something dreadful (like the big C), all those ultrasounds that they did would have found that. It's probably just stubborn fat. One of those "flopping skin things" that morbidly obese people get. But I AM losing weight...FINALLY!! I believe that it's the daily fasting and all my gardening "exercise". More walking around out there (usually watering), lots of lifting, raking, moving HEAVY pots, shredding and spreading straw bales, FILLING pots, gathering yard trash, and so on. And when I eat, I eat Keto, which makes the fasting SOOOO much easier (due to high fat content), and I'm seeing results! Fasting is the absolute key to this WOE, AND is not at all bad to do when I'm not HUNGRY all the time!! I "get hungry" about once a day, which makes OMAD darned easy to do. I am still "insulin resistant" (as evidenced by my big gut), but SO much less than I used to be. And that is positive progress! I'm so glad that I didn't give up when I actually GAINED weight for a year while my body healed up!!!!

Appreciate your sharing about your garden.

You may be sorry that you said that! Hm...my garden! I have 10 varieties of summer squash out there!! Some are going to be Golden, green, some green-and-yellow (Jaune et Vert) or green-and-white, some are striped, some are like zucchini, scallops (white and Golden are FINALLY UP already!) , and some are straight necked. Some are curly; some have ribs; some look like they're turned inside out; some will even have "warts" (bumps) on them, quite pronounced! Some I planted and urged and babied along with daily watering, some just grew back from last year spontaneously (which I transplanted into several large smart pots)! My next door neighbors are Sikhs and they may get a LOT of squash for their Gurdwara (church/temple) when the time comes! One of the things they do is to feed and/or shelter anyone who comes there in need, and I respect that, so I'm sure that they could make good use of a lot of squash in a nice curry for everyone! Or I could trot it down to the local health food store for barter. Getting out is getting easier for me. I'm sure I won't have "too much squash" even with all my plants.

I also have 3 different kinds of tomatoes, but all are cherry (or grape) tomatoes: Sungold (naturally), White, and Lucky Tiger. I think that will be all this year for tomatoes. I had two cherry tomato plants that overwintered (normally unheard of!!) and one is going gang-busters (the White cherry tomato), but the other one is looking mighty tired (a SunGold). It's an experiment and I'll see how it manages.

I also have a bunch of beans (not planted yet, but soon - both bush and 3 pole/runner beans), raspberries (red and yellow), strawberries (3 varieties), and two kinds of blueberries (Peach Sorbet and Pink Icing), carrots, a whole bunch of pepper varieties over in my raised beds #1 & #2, mint, peas, cucumbers, lots of citrus (lemons and a Cara Cara orange), herbs of all kinds (Basil, Thyme, Rosemary, Parsley, Marjoram, Cha Cha Chives, and Dill) and TONS of red, purple, and electric blue Salvia where the hummingbirds come to flit outside my Window on the World and sip nectar while the other birds eat wild bird seed I've put out for them and get a sip of water from the birdbath. It's all so relaxing.

Over on the other side of the yard are my fruit trees: apples (HoneyCrisp, Fuji, and my newest, a Golden Delicious for pollination), 4 peach trees, a Blenheim apricot, a Santa Rosa plum tree, and an Aprium (apricot/plum hybrid), plus two Type A avocados that have managed to survive despite LESS than optimum care from me. (I swear I'll do better!) All look pathetic ATM, but the Aprium and Santa Rosa plum have lots of fruit on them. I even had to prop up the Aprium! Good ol' trees. I also have 2 pears and 3 apple-pears that are potted for now and have also survived me (God knows how) and need to be planted in the dog's yard next winter. My Fuji has apples right now and even the potted pears have a few pears on them!! I will probably donate most of my fruit crops, but will probably eat some of that wonderful fruit, too. How can I resist? I'll just count the carbs that day and/or work really hard in the yard.

I was thinking about buying a Freeze Drying Machine for keeping a lot of this bounty-from-the-back-yard without the purchase of yet another freezer, but I'd want the biggest and the best one they make (natch), and they're quite expensive, and I'd need to use it all summer. The freeze dried produce will keep for 25 yrs., longer than I'll be alive I'd wager, but I've always been a bit of a closet survivalist, and life is short, so why the heck not? Once the front yard home-solar/free-standing patio roof (for the solar on top)/fence/paving stones project is complete, this will be one heck of a self-sufficient house! [PS - I did some research on it over this weekend and found exactly what I want, the biggest one with all the bells and whistles and $500 off. I'm calling them tomorrow (Monday June 3) and working out the details. I can even get it on a "no interest for 12 months" plan, which I can easily afford. We'll see what the company has to say about it.]

---------------------------------------------------------------(Dawn Sunday)

Stayed up all night again. I'm hopeless! But I'm still going out to the truck to heft another 6 bags off and get them (at least) into the backyard.

==========================================================(Midnight Monday)

I heard this on TV tonight:

Always give your best effort in everything you do...so you can be happy with yourself as a person. You should never be afraid to fail because it's the quickest way to learn how to do something right. - Rick Barry

WOW. That is mind blowing!!! Talk about SELF-forgiveness! I'm beginning to learn that being away from MD the way I am is difficult, but oh! so necessary for me to heal up...and even more, to FORGIVE MYSELF! Not for anything big or even in particular, but just to allow myself to BE. And to BE HUMAN as well. One thing I absolutely lacked with MD's upbringing (if you could call it that) was acceptance. A sense of belonging. Luckily and amazingly, my adopted grandparents did make me feel like part of the family, but to MD I was only a big disappointment. I can remember her saying to me, her toddler, "Your eyes are your best feature.", not in a kind way, but in a very harsh rejecting way, like nothing about me was actually "right" or even acceptable, but my eyes were sort of ok..."I guess.". For the longest time, I could not realize just what I did look like. I'd see my reflection, but when I looked away, I'd "forget" what I saw. MD is still that way towards me, and it's why I avoid her.

But it's her problem actually, and not mine. She's a very cruel person, harsh and mean even to her own toddler, a truly adorable child who believed her when daily she'd call me "UGLY!!", LAZY, AND STUPID in jeering tones. In my room currently hangs the 5 portraits in a frame that was my 16th birthday gift from my wise and dear grandmother. They are of me as a very little girl. I look to be about 2 yr. old, and I'm smiling angelically in one, hands folded and tucked under a tilted head, sweet and innocent and VERY far from "UGLY!!". In these pictures, MD had permed my naturally straight white-blonde hair into curls with a Toni Home Perm kit, a torture for me that I remember 70 yrs. later! She did this so that "I'd look like" my father who had wavy hair (was there an issue??), unlike MD's straight hair, which she also permed. God, I am just glad that I am who I am and have the strong and resilient personality that I do to have withstood the idiotic and maniacal treatment visited upon me by my cruel and nonsensical MD!!!!

DS got called into work tonight at midnight just as I was getting ready to call it a night and get to bed. I'm beginning to see that I really do NOT like to be here alone. Even when I stayed at the Bus Yard's parking lot "alone" in my RV, I had a whole bunch of other drivers out there in their RVs, and one good shout would have brought them all running. But here? Not so much. I need to get over this. I'm going to be working with a locksmith to get some really good deadbolts on the front door and even my room. Maybe that will help. The horrendous heat in the afternoon is already upon us here, not so much in the house with the a/c, but I need to tend to my yard and need to be done with the renovations as soon as possible. Add to that the garage work and I'm feeling some pressure to "get 'er done"!! I can do the indoors work just fine; it's that outdoors work (and no a/c in the garage) that have me concerned. Last summer I got depressed and didn't even water for months on end in the DAILY 100ºF heat; amazingly, not much died!! But it's best if I water in the morning, plus the mosquitoes "go to bed" in the morning and leave me alone! I know that I've said this many times, but it's something that I'm really struggling with.

I still need to do my pills to take for the week. I think I'll do that now and then shower and head for bed. Actually, that sounds GOOD!

Or should that be Farmer honeybera? Smile

I had to laugh when I saw that! You know I have a farmer's heart, Fleur!

Farmer Honeybera!!

[dancingfish]

Oh Farmer Honeybera, that is an apt name indeed. Very nicely coined, Fleur!

Was wondering how you were doing just yesterday honeybera, glad to see you're thriving and so is your garden! That's a lot of work, and it sounds like you and your son and making steady progress towards a lovelier home for yourselves. One of the very best types of self-care.

Reading along with you! Hope you'll be harvesting squash, tomatoes and all sorts in no time.

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


Sounds like all your efforts are really paying off with a sense of (finally) achieving a feeling big muumuu - even if you weren't reducing weight, you must be reducing size, that alone must be much more comfortable for you

You do have an nose/eye for a bargain - as my parents used to say "Buy the best/ the biggest you can afford"

Self love, self care is very difficult for me - I have just seen my Pdoc and she says I need to get out more, eat a better diet, drink more water. Yeah, yeah.... What I have found though is that the sleep stories on YouTube have helped put me into such a deep sleep that I am not awakening to every little squeak or moan of the wind or even the metal roof as it responds to temperature changes. Also, I only connected whilst with the Pdoc that I have not had the serious nightmares either since starting to listen. Such a blessing when we get enough slumber

Wishing you and your son very well in all respects


Much caring

[honeybera]

OH! My dear friends!!!

Fleur, sleep stories?????????? OMG!! I LOVE IT!!! I (naturally) skipped right over there to see if it was real and available here in the States, and lo and behold, there they were! TONS of them!!! YIPPEE!!! My computer is right next to my bed PLUS my "smart" TV gets YouTube on it, too! Perhaps that will be my answer to the bumps I hear in the night when DS is working and I am alone and too nervous to sleep. THANK YOU SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!! I have been watching (to relax???) either the murder mysteries on ID or the all-night news channels. No wonder I can't sleep!!! "Sleep stories on YouTube"...OMG! YES!!!!! {{{{Fleur!!}}}}

What I have found though is that the sleep stories on YouTube have helped put me into such a deep sleep that I am not awakening to every little squeak or moan of the wind or even the metal roof as it responds to temperature changes. Also, I only connected whilst with the Pdoc that I have not had the serious nightmares either since starting to listen. Such a blessing when we get enough slumber

Oh, my poor Fleur! What horrors have you been through as a little one? My word. I guess I always realized that I was not alone in my own set of horrors, and maybe it's the self-absorption of autism that I didn't realize it sooner, but my heart goes out to you, one of the best and most intelligent people I know. I'm really glad that you've found something to distance yourself from what happened to you, especially the aftermath of that initial treatment. I'm also glad that you've found something that can allow you to relax and enjoy a good sleep. Yes, a true and necessary blessing sleep is.

Was wondering how you were doing just yesterday honeybera, glad to see you're thriving and so is your garden! That's a lot of work, and it sounds like you and your son and making steady progress towards a lovelier home for yourselves. One of the very best types of self-care.

Reading along with you! Hope you'll be harvesting squash, tomatoes and all sorts in no time.

I stayed up all night last night...AGAIN. But it's really heating up around here...AGAIN. We're almost into the searing months of July, Aug., and Sept. when it stays HOT (100ºF AND MORE!!) on a DAILY basis!!! Trying to roll out of bed at 3pm or 4pm or even 6pm, throw on a muumuu, my "safari" hat and gloves and clogs, and get out there...among the mosquitoes...well, it's just MUCH better to get out there in the earliest hours of the morning. But that's a real challenge for me. This morning I saw the first lights of dawn peeking through my bathroom window at about 5:30am and decided to do what I could to water this morning and then collapse.

But instead of just thinking about it, I donned my gardening outfit, opened the Window on the World, and stepped outside...in the pleasantly cool air. What a great feeling! I began by giving water to my poor little Aprium, so loaded up with nearly ripe fruits, but I've been neglectful with the watering. (Once I pick those apricot/plum hybrid fruits, I intend to dry them in my Excalibur food dehydrator. YUM! And then cut the drooping limbs back and shape the tree. Probably one morning's work.) Then I did a DEEP weedeat (right down to the DIRT!!!) on the entire dog's yard, especially the goat heads that were trying to revive. Then I got the hay hooks and moved the 4 straw bales around where I wanted them (ready for tomorrow). Gave my two trees already there in the dog's yard a nice drink of water, too. AND I "liberated" two of my salvias (Purple Lighthouse and Hot Lips) out from under the nasty twisting vines of the whippy weeds. They were being strangled by them!! And then I watered the ENTIRE YARD, one tree and/or one tub at a time.

I have a TON of transplanting to do, too. I've decided to just transplant all of the "extra" squash plants that are in the process of growing. I have lots of pots. I also have to hurry up and plant my beans (not a big time consumer), tote all the remaining bags of potting soil into the back yard, weedeat the few weeds popping up in the front yard (so I don't get the City on my case again!!),

=====================================(and that's where I stopped for some reason)

I did weedeat the front yard again...well, what wasn't already dead. I ran out of RoundUp when I did that before and didn't give the ENTIRE yard a proper "spritz", leaving a 7' strip where the weeds came back, so up they came in those areas, but I got 'em all mowed down tonight. It looks good enough for now. I'll be heading for Home Depot first thing in the morning to pick up some other things (tubs for the Computer Room and the garage and some chicken manure and fresh bug bombs for the garage - odds and ends) and I'll pick up more RoundUp when I go over there. On Monday (thru Wednesday) it will be WAY up in the triple digits (as they love saying on the weather news ), but I'm getting my sleep problems under control again...thank heavens! (Those sleep stories are helping!!) It's only about 60-75ºF from 5:30am when the sun comes up until 9 or 10 am and I can still work on my garden, one chore/task at a time, until it gets too hot for me. Same goes for the garage. It may take a while, but it'll at least get done. Before I head for Home Depot I'm making a drop off at the donation center. YAY! Then I'll store the new tubs in the garage where I just cleared out the "donations". DS and I figure that whatever the donation center won't take, we're going to pile it up for another "special arranged" FREE garbage pick up.We get two a year, this being our second, with no limits on what we can get rid of. We're developing quite a pile already!!!

DS asked me a while back if he could have a new bed, bed frame, chest of drawers, and new Queen sized mattress like he already had (his was shot!). Well, he now has all the new stuff stored in the front room, but his bedroom was SUCH a filthy disaster area!!! So he's been cleaning like crazy, bag after bag of garbage FILLING up our 96 gallon trash can! He's making some real progress! I also had picked up those 30 bags of potting soil in the back of the pickup and had been trying to offload as many as I could, but we needed the pickup to go get his mattress, too, so this morning (before the heat hit) he toted all of the remaining 17 bags of potting soil to the backyard for me, then he took the truck and got his mattress at the store. GOOD MAN! He parked the mattress in my kitchen blocking access to the dishes, but not for long. He moved his old shredded up mattress out to the front room about a week ago and slept on a pad on the his bedroom floor. My kitchen sink has been FILLED with old crusty used dishes, utensils, glasses, and pots and pans from under the piles of garbage in his room. (He has promised that I'll never have such a mess to clean up again!! I deeply hope he means it.) I recently have been (gently) asking him to clean the 19-yr.-old mess in his room up (I usually don't), but his T is really helping to get him motivated. He is ATM sleeping soundly on his new pillow-top mattress on a very nice 18" high bed frame (LOTS more room for storage of his convention suitcases and other things) under nice clean sheets (he does his own laundry). He has to go to work tonight. We've even located his black-out curtains for his window since he is often a day sleeper due to work. We also have a bed skirt for his new bed to hide his things being stored underneath. He seems very pleased with the whole setup. I am, too. He still has a lot of cleaning to do, but we'll see how he does.

I got my yellow Anne raspberries all planted. They were beginning to sprout already. So I now have 2 Anne's that survived from last year in a half wine barrel (WITH RASPBERRIES ON THEM!! YAY!!) and the 3 new ones in a 30 gallon SmartPot, just barely sprouting. Raised Bed #2 is now half filled (all varieties of peppers are over in RB#1 and RB#2 - and some even have peppers on them, but ALL have blossoms already!) - I just need to put in a couple of "companion" marigolds in the center of the raised beds with peppers surrounding them, which looks absolutely adorable, and fill the rest of RB#2 with other varieties of peppers. I just put in my NADApeño peppers (like Jalapeños, but with no heat ) and my Lipstick peppers (a FREE gift from the rareseeds dot com folks - great place to buy unusual seeds for sure!), and all are looking very happy today! I have two NADApeños and two Lipsticks in RB#2, but I have an Ozark Giant and 3 others under my grow lights ATM. I also have some basil, dill, and parsley I need to plant out there somewhere. This should keep me out of the bingo halls for quite a while.

All of these have been grown with seeds and my grow lights. I find this a lot of fun! Beans are next, but they are direct sow (stick the seeds in the ground)! I've got a whole bunch of seeds and empty 30 gallon SmartPots and lots of support trellises and cages for them to climb on. Should keep me busy with the watering! All trees will be moved to the dog's yard (not counting the ones already in the ground) and placed on plant saucers. I think my Apriums are ready already (or nearly so) - I wish I could share them with you all. Just wait until my tsunami of squash comes in!!

It's almost 10 pm. Time for a "sleep story" and snooze time! I really need to be UP in the am!! Donations (first), Home Depot, off load that, then lastly pick up another 30 bags of potting soil that's already bought and paid for! BTW, I love love LOVE the new potting soil. It has chicken manure, worm castings, "compost" (how much of each isn't clear), but it has the works in it! I plan to add azomite and maybe some bone meal and other goodies to it, mix it up really well in RB#3, shovel it into an empty 30 gallon SmartPot placed in the WORX wagon, drag it over and set it on the straw mulch spread out in the dog's yard, pop in some (probably bean) seeds, shove in some supports, water well (but gently)...and in no time, up they'll come!! (With luck!) Ooh, I need to turn off my brain and go to sleep.

BTW, the hummingbirds just love my salvia! They visit everyday, along with little sparrow types, mourning doves, and a couple of Blue Jays (for the water and the birdseed) and to watch them is so soothing for me. We also have little lizards who do push-ups (not kidding); it's some sort of physical territorial "dance" for them. I have to go take my shower now and then go to bed! Nighty night!

Farmer Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


Happy to share with you. Glad sleep stories are helpful

You've managed to get lots done. Your garden sounds great. I'm supposing that you wear protective clothing when using round up. As for cleaning, tidying ... You're right on task in clearing mess by the sounds of things

Here's to you and your son keeping up with all the house and garden plus garage. From memory, I think you bought a new bed not too long ago?
May you and your son both enjoy restorative slumber. Blockout curtains are excellent idea for night shift workers

May you have best sleep possible and continue being able to get into your garden each morning before it becomes too hot


Much caring

[honeybera]

I find myself up at 3am, which is not really a problem - more of a choice since dawn is only a couple of hours away and then it's GARDENING TIME!! I'm all showered and ready to go after a lovely night's sleep. Once I get to sleep, I'm fine, even without "sleep aids" in pill form, so those sleep stories are really doing the trick! A heartfelt thanks to you, Fleur!

Today's early morning gardening "chores"/tasks: breaking up another bale or two and spreading the remaining straw over the ground in the dog's yard (it looks very bucolic and the dogs LOVE to sunbathe on it! ), fill up one or two (or more if possible) of the myriad of 30-gallon pots with potting soil and fertilizer of all kinds and plant some pole beans in them. I have 3 kinds of pole beans (and in another day or two, I have 4 kinds of bush beans to plant). The pole beans are Kentucky Wonder (brown), Prizewinner, and White Emargo (which is both a pole bean and a runner), so I'm glad I'm putting that variety in a BIG POT for sure, so there's no chance of running!! I'm still having a bit of a fight with the "clumping" (supposedly non-runner) bamboo out there near the raised beds because we unwisely planted it in the ground and it took off and spread like crazy! (I was working at the time and did not see what was happening.) But with the bamboo and the whippy weeds (and even the goat-heads), I'm winning the battle...albeit slowly.

My Cot-N-Candy Aprium is loaded with fruit this year, all ripe and ready to go. I may pick most of those today, time and heat-out-there willing. I picked a couple of them yesterday and OMG, SO SWEET!! Maybe it's just that I've not had ANY sugar for the last 20 months, but they were FAN-FREAKIN'-TASTIC!!!! It is as faithful a producer as my Santa Rosa plum and even more delicious, but I love apricots anyway. They are more like a free-stone apricot than a plum, but this tree is fabulous!!! So glad I planted it!!! As soon as I harvest it, however, I'm going to prune it way back. I've never pruned it at all and it's absolutely terribly unkempt with its branches propped up by me to avoid breakage with its heavy crop. So a somewhat heavy "summer trim" for now (all the wispy floppy long branches gone) should be enough until late Fall.

I think I know where all this love of gardening (and even cooking) came from: ♥♥♥ my grandparents! ♥♥♥ I used to toddle after my Grandpa while he watered and/or harvested his little garden along the side of the house (plus burn the trash and hang out the laundry on the line to dry since my Grandma was a working CPA and he was retired). My Grandma was the one who taught me a love of cooking. She'd get out the old red and white checkered Betty Crocker cookbook and I got to pick out whatever I wanted to cook and we'd cook it! Grandpa used to walk to our local grocery store and let me ride over there in the two-wheeled cart as he pulled, but I had to walk home since the groceries took my place. They made me my first (among many) root beer floats: "Only one. It's a treat, not a meal." Grandma used to let me make elaborate forts out of her furniture and quilts. Once I made it next to an electrical outlet and I put my record player in there and listened to my music (which I had memorized almost instantaneously and can still recall the words and music today)! I used to be a real ham and would dance, sing, and recite for anyone who would listen.

That was the adorable child that MD despised!!!!!!! She hated me and wanted to "break my spirit", and wound it she did, but she NEVER BROKE IT!!! More and more since I'm out from under her reach (avoidance is a wonderful thing!!!!), I find myself saying to myself, "I am who I am." Just that. "I am who I am.", in an accepting tone. How wonderful is that!! No shame, no cowering, but rather a simple statement of the truth. "I am who I am." And that ain't half bad! I am a gardener, a cook, a researcher of many things, a driver of all vehicles but a motorcycle and with safe driver awards, an excellent money manager and the bookkeeper of my home, a homeowner, and a lover of writing and expressing myself. I never was a great housekeeper, but I get by. MD herself was never a "great housekeeper" either; she just obsessed over it until others were uncomfortable, even my father who stated, "I've got to live with her, Honey" (verbatim!! ).

I have a plaque up on my wall:

My house is clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy.

That pretty well says it about me. "I am who I am." Even my own body image, LONG abused by MD, is beginning to gain this acceptance attitude. I still want to lose weight, no doubt about it, but my own self acceptance isn't tied to weight loss anymore. DS said something to me so endearing the other day: "You're beginning to look like everyone else." In other words, I'm not the biggest one in the room anymore. Due to the Obesity Epidemic? Maybe. But I'm also recapturing my health in a very positive way and I'm pleased and proud of myself for that!!

I still need to make some keto muffins this morning and do up the dishes before I start in the yard at dawn (about 5:45am) and it's 5 am now. Later on I'm going to try a new recipe for KETO BREAD WITH YEAST! The author of this recipe has a 4.8 star rating (so far - from 169 votes!!) PLUS the recipe is so darned EASY!! And it's made with almond flour (my favorite for baking and as a wheat flour substitute). She has figured out how to use inulin (NOT INSULIN!), a pre-biotic, as a substitute for sugar usually used to "feed" the yeast and let it "bloom" for the bread to rise and have that wonderful "yeasty" smell to it. I can hardly wait to try it!

♥♥♥ LOVE YOU ALL!! ♥♥♥

Farmer (of green beans and many other tasty treats) Honeybera

[honeybera]

Friday -

ADDENDUM!!! The first of my squash blossoms, big and deeply yellow-gold and shaped like a large heralding trumpet HAS ARRIVED!!!!!!!!! I am SO PUMPED!!!

It's from the first-planted Costata Romanesca squash plant, a very nice zucchini-like white-striped squash, which means that I'll have fresh organic summer squash soon!! AND I have THREE POTS full of the Jaune et Verte (yellow and green "Patisson Panache" scallops) bi-color (Google to see this beautiful little squash) which just grew by themselves, no seeding, no nothing, not even water, just grew in that pot last year. WOW! And I have many more thriving zucchinis, scallops, "custards", straight necks, patty pans, and a rambunctious Zucchino RAMPICANTE that grows a good 30' long!!! It's already a good 6' or 7' long now, and I'm going to bind it up to the fence trellis today. DS bolted that trellis to the fence last year. We'll see how it works this year. That Rampicante is a BEAST!

===================================Saturday (it's more like I mean SUN-DAY!!! )

Couple of things this morning...yeah, it's only 8:30am!! <pant, puff, wheeze>!!!! I already have sweat dripping into my eyes and decided to take a break, have a cool sip of water and a sit down, that sort of thing. I've been out there taking flakes off my 4 straw bales over in the dog's yard, one by one, and tossing them around wherever they go, shaking them out about 4" thick for weed control. No whippy weeds on that side, but TONS of fox tails and goat heads, which can harm or kill my dogs. This effort of mine today will bring lots of benefits with weed control. When I finish up this morning, my goal is to have MOST of the straw placed (getting close to finished, but it's awfully strenuous work for me!! -but GREAT exercise!!!!) and to pull out my peas (finished for this year, dried up and brown rather than a lush green) and plant my beans NOW (even NOW is late!!) in the three 20-gallon pots that are out there already and pulled up onto the straw. It really looks like "Honeybera's Farm" out there.

I also propped up my Rampicante (one of two, but both in the same 20 gallon pot) up against the fence trellis so it can begin to climb instead of droop to the side and run along the ground. It has LONG tendrils already on it to grasp and wrap firmly around whatever support I put up there for them. Wild!! BTW, it only "grows to 15ft." instead of the 30' I had approximated, but it really grows L-O-N-G, however long that is, and it seemed to me to be WAY longer than that to me last year!!

I am having one problem, though, with myself and my thinking: I am waking up nicely at 3 or 4 am, perfect for me to have a cuppa, play my iPhone games (to avoid dementia), and wake up pleasantly to get out in the yard by dawn, about 5:45am at this time of the year. Lovely idea, that. BUT what actually happens is that I end up AVOIDING getting out into the yard!! Nothing holding me back but ME, AND it's making me very, VERY confused by my own self-sabotaging behavior. I can't blame MD for this one!!! Yesterday I just sat inside (which felt very much like the DEPRESSION that I felt last year when I DELIBERATELY allowed my entire yard to dry up in the intense July and August heat!!! Don't know why. It was awful to watch. But I had a sort of "give-up" or "who cares?" or "just can't move right now" feeling that I recognized again today and at other times when I "avoid".)

Hm...I am just sitting here allowing myself to try to think this through. Am I still suffering from the old "learned helplessness" routine of yesteryear!!!?? I don't mind doing yard work. In fact, it's rather enjoyable, especially the self-satisfaction I feel when admiring my own work as I sit at my WOW or just think of how nice it is once I have "done whatever". But that's NOT what I do oftentimes!!!!

You'll have to excuse me. I need to get at some of this work. I have to fix my weedeater and it's laying on the bird seed bird bath and the birds are all lined up on the fence and the neighbor's roof like a scene out of Hitchcock's The Birds, staring at me and impatiently waiting for me to get going and MOVE IT off their feeder!! BRB

====================================(10:30am)

Fixed the weedeater, but not well enough. I'll maybe have DS take a look at it. I changed the spool in it, but I must have done something wrong since the string is only about 3" long and will cut, but not very well. I also managed to clear the "pea pot" out for beans, have two others in the dog's yard already on the straw, and I need to pull this one over there, but not just yet. I did ALL weedeating in the garden area, but not at all over by "the jungle" that is where the poor fruit trees live. This too shall pass, even in 100ºF+ temps that are happening here. I HAVE TO do any gardening/planting or straw tossing or 30 gallon pot filling (+ fertilizer, etc.) or anything else in the "cool" of the early morning or else!!

I don't know if this exhaustion/avoidance/reluctance to work, outside or inside, is due to my age or my physical or mental condition or what, but I do know that I don't understand my own reticence when I'm faced with such a lovely day at 6am and yet I sit and stare at it instead of experiencing it. (Birds are back happily and are pecking away in droves at the bird seed! ) I have noticed that once I'm out there, I really get a lot done; it's like I can SEE what needs to be done and I simply do it, but otherwise, while I sit inside and look outside and just S-I-T there, thinking about it, I get little to nothing D-O-N-E. Hm.

My question is...WHY do I do that?? It's sabotaging me AND my garden AND even what I SAY I want to do...But I just sit there thinking about it and never DO IT. What is stopping me????????? MD isn't here anymore to scold/shame me. Am I scolding/shaming/sabotaging my own darned self???? Keeping the "cage" around me and enduring shocks (known as shame/frustration/confusion/depression) that I no longer NEED to tolerate?? I've quit seeing my T ATM. She's not all that good, but she is covered by my insurance (with a small copay), so I may go see her for this particular problem. Maybe she has some insight on what it is that I'm not seeing...yet.

Looking at my own take on my Inner Critic (aka MD in my head), what is "SHE" saying to me, over and over? What am I not getting? Two days from now (Monday) I need to do some errands (outside of my house and in the truck), but those errands have been available to me every day for the last WEEK, for Pete's sake. OMG. "Oh, for Pete's sake, my name!!" is exactly how MD would start in on me. It's one thing to "avoid" her, and it's another thing to still hear her in my head. I believe that I'll begin to silence that mean old Critic by opening my Pete Walker Complex PTSD book this afternoon WITHOUT ANY GUILT and read (and reread) about my self-induced Inner Critic. As good a place to start as any. I even have a pleasant little reading nook in a corner of my bedroom complete with a recliner (so nice!) and a reading lamp and a small glass table/stand next to it that holds my books. It's very comfortable in the house (always), but I can still meet my goals today once it gets cooler more towards the evening (7-8:30pm) by placing and filling Smart Pots on today's freshly placed straw in the dog's yard and planting those beans and then watering everything in the entire yard as well. Well, that and make the strawberry muffins and maybe some mashed loaded cauliflower and baked Parmesan fish. YUM!

If I'm not good to my own self (and treat myself with kindness and love), who else is supposed to do it?? So Pete Walker, here I come!!

Farmer Honeybera
(BTW, my Costata Romanesco now has THREE - YES, COUNT THEM - THREE HUGE GOLDEN TRUMPET FLOWERS ON IT!!!)

[Fleur]

Hello Farmer Honeybera


Your dogs sound very happy with their "new" space

Garden seems to be flourishing - and great that you have done so much. Giggled about all the birds queued, awaiting your good pleasure to remove obstacle from the feeder

Hopefully, you'll discover what lies behind your (?) reluctance or (?) hindrance or ??? to getting what you choose to be done each day

You've listed many skills and accomplishments. You are an amazing individual. Apparently, your son agrees

May you have enjoyed being in your garden this weekend and by twilight on Monday, ticked all the list


Much caring

[honeybera]

Hi Fleur! As always, you are spot on! I sit here this afternoon gazing out on my work and how it looks and I am pleased. I have ALMOST completed the straw-tossing in the dog''s yard and side yard (aka the hummingbird garden under my kitchen windows) to a depth of 4" (4 bales of straw worth!!). There's just a bit more to do, maybe a couple of square yards...and then I begin filling all those pots. The planting is the easy part, believe you me. But I don't have to RE-fill them next year, so that makes it MUCH easier and less work for me. It is VERY heavy work for me, making me sweat profusely, even into my eyes, and my feet go numb, and so when that happens, that's when I sit down out in my weathered old gray plastic chair placed in the shade until all that has stopped and then I continue on with my work. I know if I come into the house, I very well may not go back out there at all.

All that straw at first confused the dogs, but old Spot got used to it and began to roll around in it luxuriously on her back, wiggling back and forth, and then drug her tummy across it by her front legs and then flopped over and took a sunbath laying lazily on top of it. Dot was more suspicious and just kept sniffing at it and then began "marking" on it all over the yard. So funny to watch them.

===============================================(Monday morning - with NO "blues" )

STRAW THROWING COMPLETE!!! (At least over in the dog's yard, but more to do in the east side yard = ONE LAST BALE underneath the fruit trees, etc. - I figure to do it all for a later date, but SOON.) I'm seeing that I may need more straw, but I'll address that issue later as well. Step by step, I'm seeing what it is that I need to do, and then (THANK YOU, MARK TWAIN!) I'm doing them!! Although I've not put my finger on the exact issue that's causing me to JUST SIT when I can plainly see what needs to be done (desperately in some cases, like WATERING!), I am making a lot of progress on silencing my Inner Critic. I sat down last night in my little book nook and read Pete Walker (Complex PTSD) re: quieting the Inner Critic and it really helped! I do have an internal dialog going on (with MD's voice as Inner Critic) that tells me that I need to just "SHUT UP, my name, AND GET OUT OF MY WAY!!" When MD shrieked that at me, I cowered, ducked, and HID!!! Not very conducive for promoting good positive self esteem, believe me. I'm thinking that it may just be the fact that I am SO BLESSED and have EVERYTHING MY OWN WAY NOW that instead of moving forward with it, I FREEZE and do NOTHING! Having my OWN way with things and being happy because of it was ALWAYS a HUGE TRIGGER for MD. So has "happiness" with what I'm doing and having things my OWN way a new trigger for me? Wow. THAT is damage from the P-A-S-T that I do NOT NEED anymore!!!!!!!!!!

In fact, that nasty old Critic (in MY OWN HEAD) IS FOR SURE the reason that I can work and work out in my yard, making plan after plan to do this or that, and then just sit there and watch my lovely garden wilt, turn brown and DIE. I have a habit of doing this, but not just with the garden. It's something that I want to S-T-O-P doing, and it's plagued me since childhood. I was a Brownie Scout and QUIT just before we were to "fly up" to Girl Scouts. I didn't do my project on Alaska in 6th grade. It HAD to be done to go on the graduation field trip to a water park with the rest of the class or else sit at school with the 5th graders. MD did the darned thing for me anyway, but when I went to school, I put it in my desk, and when the teacher asked me if I had it, I said no, and was left behind with the 5th graders. Defiant, I was!!!! (So is there some sort of anger in this, too? I can't see it if there is.) I think of that poor dog sitting in his cage being shock over and over, but when they remove the cage, still he sits there, frozen, refusing to move. Learned Helplessness! I should study what the eventual outcome was for that dog. Was there any hope for him?

=================================================(sometime later)

This is what I found...and it brought tears of empathy to my eyes:

Learned helplessness
Description
Learned helplessness is behaviour exhibited by a subject after enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control. It is characterized by the subject's acceptance of their powerlessness: discontinuing attempts to escape or avoid the aversive stimulus, even when such alternatives are unambiguously presented. Wikipedia

O-M-G!!! I can remember sitting under a stairway at college cramming for my Psych 101 FINAL exam and (for the FIRST TIME) reading about Learned Helplessness and bursting out in tears. It makes me cry every time. It all ties in with MD's cruelty and my dear grandparents unconditional love of me. I was the first grandchild and that love was given to me in oceans overwhelming. I did not appreciate it as much then, but I sure do now.

My garden, as much work as it is, is my way out of this "cage" of learned helplessness, as is my home, my garage, and every other task that I have AND THEN DO. If I view it through that lens instead of sitting in the cage and being shocked, or even NOT shocked, by others, I will be miles ahead in my own inner self and the way I see things.

BTW, I not only aced that Psych 101 test, but got the highest A in all three of his classes for the semester. He shared that with me later, but I almost didn't take the test due to my low self esteem and inability to appropriately realize my own abilities. My guidance counselor yelled at me to GO TAKE IT ANYWAY (verbatim: "The world does NOT revolve around the axis of YOUR ASS! GO!!!!")

May you have enjoyed being in your garden this weekend and by twilight on Monday, ticked all the list

Well, it's Monday now 10am, and I'm up and have done a LOT of work on the yard! THREE BIG GARBAGE BAGS FULL of yard waste! (Looks so much better!) The dog's yard STRAW work is done (YAY!!!! ) - and now for the nice shower, a big cuppa Keto coffee, and out the door for the chores today. I AM PUMPED!!!! Thank God for this place to put down in writing what I feel, need to express, and to hash out whenever those little barbs begin to poke me. ♥♥♥ LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!♥♥♥

Farmer Honeybera