Feeling Nothing

[Flifflo]

My anger changes to depression. Don’t like anyone. Feeling those old feelings I remember feeling when I just wanted to stop feeling. And feeling nothing. I want to scream but I can’t. i want to cry but I can’t. I have so much hate. But it’s way down deep. I have no real target. I want to spew hate everywhere as if I released Pandora’s box. But I can’t open it. I don’t have the key.

I want to go away. Be left alone. Crawl out of myself and become something else. I want to sleep. Crawl into myself. Disappear. I can’t relate. I want them all to go away. Leave me alone. I want to go away. Be somewhere else. Someone else. Escape it all.

Finally I can cry. But it’s only fleeting. Then nothing. Feeling nothing. Nowhere. No relief. No escape. Who am I? Is this me?

[Harbor]

I want to spew hate everywhere as if I released Pandora’s box. But I can’t open it. I don’t have the key.

Maybe you DO have the key, but spewing hate everywhere would not serve you. Perhaps your heart tells you that YOU are the target, but deep within you know there is a more deserving target?

[reisha]

Oh, fliffo, i can totally relate! Ive been whsre yer at - more than once.
Im so sorry to know yer goin thru this.

It kinda sounds like maybe yer afraid to really let loose? Ya liken to openin pandoras box. *** remember, at the end, there is HOPE!!!*** tosss if im off base.

Do ya have a therapist to guide ya thru yer anger & pain?
Its ok to not have 'a real target'. Be mad at the whirld, yer foo, the idjits down the street, every single soul who ever didja wrong - heck, be mad at god & the whole damn multiverse!!!!
Ino it feels like shit rite now, but i think its awesum that yer startin to get in touch w these deep emotions. Its couragous, & brave to admit alla this, to start Workin the Healing.

Sendin admiration at yer self awareness & honesty, support & gentle hugs, if okay

[Flifflo]

Hello Harmony and Reisha,

I don’t really want to spew hate everywhere tho I suppose at the moment I wrote this that is what I felt. I realize this could make me look harmful but it is just a feeling. An honest feeling. I think it speaks to the depth of my anger. Whether I am mad at myself/blame myself is a good question. I don’t know. I’m not that in touch with that. I appreciate the analysis Harmony. Just occurred to me, should this have been an MT? I’ll leave that judgment to you, as the moderator.

Yes, Reisha maybe I am mad at the world. Everyone that pushed me down and that ever kicked me when I was already down. And there were many. I just feel like I have all of this stuff trapped inside of me and I can’t let it out. A lot of hate and anger seething under the surface. Maybe I have no real target and I have many targets. But none I will ever really target. Who do I scream at? My abuser is dead. So is most of his family. Not that I would scream at him if he was still alive anyway. What do I do with it?? I know from past experience that it is useless to try to pin anything on my narcissist father. Worse than a wasted effort. My mother doesn’t deserve the lion’s share but she’s been on the receiving end of most of it. In my teenage years. Maybe this is my teen self speaking? Trying to get out?

I am working with a therapist. She is good. She is helping. This here is just me saying how I feel right now. Not good. Honestly. In a low. So it’s not true that I’m feeling nothing although it is probably my main defense mechanism to try to feel nothing and I am triggered. I suppose I need to feel this and more to get better.

Thanks for understanding Reisha. Your comments made me chuckle. Thanks for the recognition. Feels good to be seen.