Fleur's 2019 Thread

[Couragetoday]

Hi Fleur,

So nice that the weather was pleasant for your outing.
I hope the foot elevation helps in a meaningful way.

I find it helpful to have reasons to get up and dressed also. Even if they are small reasons.

Sending support and caring all the way over to your side of the world.

Couragetoday

[dancingfish]

Glad to hear of good weather for you Fleur, and hope the feet advice is helpful. :) Enjoy your art T tomorrow too, and wishing you well from here. :)

[Fleur]

Thank you Dancingfish, Couragetoday

Always lovely to read posts. Wishing you both beautiful days full of positives and special moments


I delayed reply because I wanted to wait until the art T had been. She's an animal lover and an artist who sells via shows, commission. A grandmother at 50, we spoke about families and lots of stuff

She's going to bring an art book to look at, see if I'd like to copy or be inspired by any of the pictures. I'm not very artistic, just miss old place where we met weekly during term and had an outing, talk about subjects unrelated to health

I was in a lot of pain, talked much more than is usual for me these days. Old habits... Words on anything, everything, spoken or read, how I've covered many a hurt

I could even feel myself looking at me, shaking her head... You're supposed to be drawing, not telling life story

Now I feel extremely itchy. The desire to sh is strong. So far, I'm resisting

First time in ages, concrete thoughts around the s word. Not going there either. Distraction needed, essential. Might be a long night despite exhaustion

Had necessary rain. Countryside is so dry, thisty. Floods we can do without, but water courses flowing adequately once again would be welcome - as would be filling storages. Be wonderful were rain to gently wet drought areas. The wide brown land has been hit with bushfires, snow, amazingly high temperatures, whilst other places receive record rainfall or wind gusts... Myriad microclimates. Even dust storms creating "willy willies" or mini tornadoes

Felt like summer storm today as the air was warm. Rapidly cooled when twilight came

I've reverted to reflecting the sky; mood is all over the place. In some indefinable way, splinters of self emerge. All ages, ageless. The mirror unbelievably shows hair darkening - must be trick of light, angle was first thought - still silver threads for sure but far fewer than when I last looked properly six months ago. Weird

Talked about Dad, family dynamics in a different attitude. It was me back then, in past tense. No upset about it happening, felt sad for the girl...

Perhaps the EMDR admission has helped to "file" the past. It doesn't have the same in the moment feel. It's kind of like joining puzzle pieces. In this case, matching the memory with the age/stage and the chronological year. It's not happening now. In 2019, I'm in my own rented space. Everyone who hurt me is far away or in a grave. Unfortunately, so are maternal grandparents, who never were anything but loving, gracious and caring


Appreciate your reading

[Noname]

Hi Fleur. No wise words, sorry. Just wanted to let you know I'm reading along and that I care.

[reisha]

Hi fleur
Not many words rite now, wanted to check in on ya.
Sounds like yer doin lotsa processin, commin to terms w sum stuff, yet still affected by others.
Concerned to read that sh/s thots & urges have resurfaced.
What can we do to best support ya thru it?

Sendin much love, care, support & noogies for soxy

[Couragetoday]

Hi Fleur,

It sounds like the place you used to go to filled several needs?
One on one, at home would be a totally different experience I’m guessing.
I’m really glad you’re able to identify the SH & S urges in advance , and know what works for you in trying to manage it.
I wish it wasn’t there and wish I could somehow make it go away because I care about you.
I’m joining reisha in wondering how to best offer support?

Those are some interesting realizations about the possible impact of EMDR. I can relate somewhat, having gone through EMDR as well.
I’m not sure if you can relate, but I find that I am often still very reactive to more recent past events as well as present day stresses, but the far away “issues” that T and I worked on with EMDR do not have that in the moment feel you described so well.

I’m thinking of you,wondering how your night ended up going, and sending lots of positive energy your way.

Couragetoday

[Fleur]

Wonderful to read caring posts


Thank you NN for writing. Knowing you are here is lovely. May you enjoy today, weekend


Hello reisha. Soxy remains with family in suburban part of city - he probably won't want to be here cos now he is allowed out and someone is around most of the day to give him attention. He's explored streets and been brought down from awkward roof spaces, losing his collar along the way. Wishing you a beautiful weekend


Hello Couragetoday. You and reisha ask how you can offer best support. Truth is that I don't know. It is great to read messages. Thought of you when I heard birds chirping earlier. Hopefully, you'll soon see fledglings learning to fly. Here's to a peaceful sleep and enjoyable weekend

[Fleur]

I've suddenly realised how much insiders are different from me as adult self. Unfortunately, due to extensive sh. Lately, I have genuinely thought that sh was only whilst asleep / dissociating. The dissociation has been hardly noticed in recent months, but then ... being solo most of the time, maybe I wouldn't know?

Last night, someone really dug in. Dad used to be repelled by seeing blood and last night was a reenactment of such a scenario. Trigger was domestic verbal abuse next door. Hearing 4 letter words like "f" and "s" mixed with the word "love" used as term for person sent me into a tail spin. The yelling spilt outside then it rained heavily. They presumably went indoors

Along with shouting was banging. I curled up and hid, dry retching, doing best to be silent

I suppose sh by 3yo self was almost predictable / inevitable. However, really hurts this morning and I yelled at her in my mind. She's still cringing in foetal position. I'm so angry that I don't feel any compassion for her as yet

Got medical appointments at lunchtime, 2.5 and 3 hours to go


Bye for now

[Fleur]

Oh my....


GP requested an ultrasound of genitalia - so Embarrassing to have male technician. He was very professional, explained beforehand what was needed - but extremely triggering

Get results next Friday


Cheers

[Couragetoday]

Hi Fleur,

I would not know how to answer how someone here could best support me either to be honest. I’m glad that reading the messages might be helpful.

That must be really unnerving to not be able to figure out if the dissociation is going on and to what extent.

I wish the sh, the need to hide, body reactions hadn’t of happened. It’s great you have the trigger identified. Maybe with a bit of space, and also now a better understanding of the reason for her reaction , those compassion like feelings might arise organically?

Ugh. Sorry to hear about the ultrasound. Have had numerous tests done in that area too....
Sending positive vibes for normal results.

I hope there are some peaceful moments on the horizon.

Couragetoday