A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

A discussion area for anyone who loves a survivor and needs some support of their own.

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Fleur
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Mon Dec 24, 2018 9:58 am

Hello the husband


You've identified points which could be relevant in that having a young teen female as a guest might add to family dynamics such that intimacy is affected, as well as the "normal" hectic schedule you each have at present

I truly hope you can both be honest in any discussion, so each is clear about the other's perspective

As you generally do, you share a balanced view with admirable restraint - this time, waiting a week to check in with your wife

May you, your family and other loved ones enjoy a safe peaceful happy holiday time. I pray 2019 will hold many precious moments


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Mon Dec 24, 2018 10:54 pm

Hi Fleur

Thanks so much for listening and replying.

My wife let me know she has been nurturing the teen through this tough time. I'm not sure if this is leaving her drained, triggered, or preoccupied - or is it something else? I'm hoping that either I will know in a week, or the issue will pass without further intervention. There'a lot on my plate as well, so I'm alert for my own stress to be impacting us.

Fleur
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Tue Dec 25, 2018 10:12 am

May you and your wife maintain a balanced lifestyle even amidst stressful time the husband
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

coconuts
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by coconuts » Wed Dec 26, 2018 1:53 am

Wow just spent the last few days reading through this thread (when I had a chance, I've had the stomach flu so that gave me lots of time). So very interesting to watch this journey. To see glimpses of my own marriage journey in watching yours. To see similarities and differences. To feel sad for you, your wife, me and my husband I watching the struggle from the outside and also glad for the healing goodness that has occurred.

I want to comment to offer what I see and experience.

You're wife is lucky to have someone who was so patient, especially in the beginning when you dealt with a serious lack of any physical affection from you. I feel sad for her too. Because it seems she struggles with compounding issues from her past as well as just generalized depression which may have to do with her past but not necessarily with memories. She was only worthwhile so long as she was "useful". She likely spent much of her childhood being told she was inadequate and worthless and while you have tried so hard to help her see her worth she isn't blind to her own short comings. It's strange to suffer with mental illness. It's dissocciative in it's own way it's like you are staring at yourself still screwing up but you just don't know where to start or almost feel hopeless in your ability to change. I know for me at a super foundational level I feel worthless and unlovable. Sure that at any moment everyone around me will realize that and leave. Is it true? No. I know that logically. But down in my core I don't believe it.

It's also scary to love too. Remember our first experiences in love were very messed up. We searched for it, begged for it, gave it in any way we could think if working so hard for it.. And were given abuse in it's place.

My marriage is very much two ships passing sometimes. We have a large family. (8 kids) we function well. We get this household managed. For me it's been strange to find a balance. Before my bunker blew I was living very much for everyone else and not for myself. I was a stay at home mom. I always gave gave gave. It was the classic mom does everything dad brings in the money. He was also passively emotionally abusive and occasionally physically so with the kids. Then I had a serious break, attempted suicide and fell apart. So did my husband. He couldnt deal with it and he could t deal with the truth of my past. I started working. I was a mess at home and he couldnt deal with even the idea of my story. He became abusive after a particular discussion when he told me I was broken and would always be broken and I needed to deal with the idea that I was damaged, I kicked him out. He left for two months and I was amazed at how much easier my house was to manage. I was heartbroken by his betrayal. He insisted everything was my fault because I was sa and therefore damaged and I had lied to him. That he married me thinking I was a virgin and he would not have married me had he known. It hurt so very very much. I filed divorce and he signed giving me full custody of the kids no contest. I got involved with another guy because we'll I was hurt and he seemed nice. It was bad. But it was good. My husband thought I would be lost without him and come crawling back. When he saw I could move on he did some internal inspection and self realization. He hired a life coach and went to counseling. Eventually we started building a friendship again and decided it was better for the kids if we were together again. His only stipulation was I be willing to have sex with him once a week. I agreed ( ugh). We remarried. He dealt with me being a total b* for about a year. I felt I had to be that was to prevent him from becoming abusive again. I was able to set some very firm boundaries.
He helps out alot more in the house now. My job is more intensive than his but I definitely feel bad at the amount of extra housework and kid watching he does as compare to me. I wonder if he feels as you do. I use work as an escape and I have shared that with him. I feel successful and needed at my job. Moreso than I did as a wife and mother. Ive been a better wife and mother in my past. Being at work my whole brain thought focuses on my job. Being at home I see my inadequacy. I see where I fail as a mother as a wife as a family member. I feel the pressure of family that I don't feel I can live up to. I have more personal (CSA)issues to deal with that I'd rather just escape.
My husband definitely has physical touch as his love language. It's bottom on my list. I can't stand even holding hands. (There are strong memories I have of being led with hand holding to the rooms to_____) Kissing is super hard for me. It just grosses me out. And I'm always afraid anything else physical is just going to lead to sex. I struggle to be present during sex. If I get too into it I feel shameful. I often just half conscious half subconscious dissociate. We have issues on my husband's side which have made it more difficult lately. I don't talk about the CSA abuse with him. He handled it so wrong before when I first told him that I can't trust him with that. So

I feel stuck. Knowing he needs physical affection to feel connected and knowing when I show physical affection that way I get all creepy crawly. We just have the weekend sex. If we skip a weekend he gets super whiney and cranky with everyone. I don't skip. Maybe it's like you said it is the only thing keeping him going since I don't offer any other physical affection.

Right now we run a household. Like business partners. With sex on the weekends. It makes me sad. Makes me wonder if we will stay together when the kids are gone. Or if we will just learn to lead these parallel lives and accept that.

I should say we do share our feelings a lot of time. I will share almost anything with him other than the CSA. But right now that so encompasses many of my moods and thought patterns. Because I am just starting to tackle it for real. I still have nightmares, flashbacks and other hard things surrounding that. But I can't address that with him. An instant wall builds up and I seem cold and insensitive. So there is a big elephant in the room so to say but we can never talk about it.

Sorry for being so wordy. I tend to process a lot of things through writing.

the husband
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Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Tue Jan 01, 2019 8:49 pm

Hi coconuts

Thanks for sharing that. Our lives are quite similar in many ways. I can't believe you read so far back, but I'm glad you did because it provided some retrospection for me on this first day of the new year.

I think my marriage works as well as it does because I don't need as much connection as most people do. I'm a true introvert and am emotionally self-sufficient for the most part. I was seeing a therapist for quite some time until she moved out of the area and I decided it wasn't worth it for me to build a new therapeutic relationship. I had already internalized most of what the therapist was telling me anyway, so I would just be training somebody to tell me these things. The connection issue with my wife is that she requires a lot of support from me, but doesn't give much back. At least with physical love language there can be the feeling of closeness that comes with hormonal release - assuming that happens for both of us.

8 kids!? Whew!

Our current issue is as yet unresolved. Now she is having back pain. I will continue to wait patiently for an opportunity to resolve if it does not resolve itself.

the husband
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Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Wed Jan 02, 2019 11:58 pm

Update: My wife made some reference to us being ships passing, and I mentioned that I had hoped that we would have had some time together over the New Year's. She said that she had hoped so too but that I had been deeply asleep in the morning (I was dozing and aware she was awake, but didn't want to initiate anything given the likelihood of being told her back was bothering her). I told her that I would gladly have woken up for some time alone with her. Then she said she had to get up anyway because she felt the need to move around. So, I suppose I could have made more effort to appear fully awake, and I suppose my reticence to do so was motivated by not wanting to be disappointed, and wanting her to initiate. At any rate, the subject is on the table.

Fleur
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Thu Jan 03, 2019 10:53 pm

Hello thehusband


Time together seems to be desired by you both. Maybe you can orchestrate something so that can be achieved? A couple here had a double massage in same room, which created a bit of a trend amongst their cohorts. Each spouse mentioned in different ways how much more positive they now feel towards respective partner. I'm sure you'll think of mutually enjoyable ways to connect with your wife

When in couples counselling, my H and I were challenged to indulge in love making without penetration. I found it fun, he frustrating. Might be worth considering?


Wishing you and family very well
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:20 pm

Hi Fleur

I wish I had read your post earlier - it might have saved me some thinking! As it happens, I did go with sort of a hybrid solution: It was a rare lazy, rainy morning and we were dozing together. I initiated a massage that turned into more at her request. It was good to re-connect on a biological and somewhat emotional level.

I think I know part of what's going on. She's one to need to change jobs every few years. It's not so much ambition as a need to shed old unresolved issues at work that begin to mount up. She's been having a hard time getting her foot in the door and has been feeling disheartened and undervalued. On the other hand, I just got a position that virtually landed in my lap that sets me up for a what will likely be the top of my particular food chain in a few years. It wasn't a job I was seeking, but it opened up unexpectedly and I was asked to take it. I think that was insult to injury that she feels she can't really talk about because she doesn't want to rain on my parade. I will explore this with her soon.

Fleur
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Posts: 13109
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:32 am

Hello thehusband


Glad for your wife and yourself connecting

Happy for you about new position, congratulations

Hopefully, your wife shall soon find most suitable place for her to be employed

I'm sure you know it is not a competition but perhaps there is something underlying for her as you say, maybe your wife needs to prove to herself she is a worthy human being. Just a hunch. This was my struggle for many years, so I might simply be reflecting myself onto her without justification

Thank you for sharing here


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Wed Jan 09, 2019 12:08 am

Thank you, Fleur

I think you've nailed it: It's not supposed to be a competition, but it often is. Who's more tired, who worked longer, who did more, and so on. I've found that it's best not to engage in that at all, because I always end up falling into it otherwise. She's been better about it lately, and perhaps she feels like she can't even mention how she feels about my job to me now. I may bring it up since may be already impacting us anyway.

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