hi i'm back

[Diver]

Life's been a mess as usual.
I don't know how much energy I have to even catch you all up.

i'm very lost and sad. very alone, lonely.

I have been art journaling every night, unprompted, just getting out the feelings on paper.

Last night I wrote this

There is a black hole
inside my chest
At night the darkness grows
the only way to quiet it
is to eat, inflict pain
ruminate, suffocate
medicate, obsess
and finally i pass out from exhaustion of trying to stay awake
Avoiding sleeping, relief, and end to a day. Why?
What in the darkness has me so afraid?

I woke up to a message this morning saying my poem couldn't be posted in a facebook group I just joined. Because of the word medicate. It's a banned topic. And i'm floored. Guess I can't share poetry or discuss medication at all ever in that group.
I understand the need for a filter I guess, but I still think it is our own responsibility to manage ourselves in those situations. Both as the writer and reader. Anyway
Things have been very hard. I want to update but it's hard to do that too.
much love to everyone here
and jonesy for helping me out last night with my creds to get back here

[Serenity]

Hi Diver,

I'm glad you found your way back here, but sorry to hear that things are difficult at the moment. I think it's great that you are doing creative things with your pain - the art journaling and poetry, etc. and you can always share that stuff here. Sitting with you, if ok.

With care,
Serenity

[Harmony]

Dear Diver,

So glad you are here and ok enough. You are a valued long time member. Hope being here helps.

with care,
Harmony

[fight4me]

Diver

Sorry things are so tough at the moment

But I am sitting with you

You are not alone here

Safe hugs if ok

Fight4me

[Diver]

sitting here feeling like im choking
my parenting becomes a huge worry when the kids are here.
older son is here tonight
and i remembered something so trivial in the car but painted more of the picture

son tells me about his special reward at school for being a good student, he got to eat in the classroom with the teacher

i was in behavior disorder class as a child about the same age.
i had shown such improvement and good behavior that the teacher was going to take me to lunch out.
and my mother wouldn't allow it because there were no over the shoulder seatbelts in the teacher's classic car.
so i couldn't go, after being so good like that and working so hard.

what it shows me now is that she hated me. she hated anything good i ever did. she hated everything about my entire existence. she couldn't stand that i'd been good. and screwed me out of something special to reward me.
what did i do to deserve it?
my heart aches, my throat feels like im being choked
and i barely have the will to take another breath.

this all in addition to the other atrocities.
and i see what everyone means now.
ive talked about some of it before but i have never FELT IT
and now i am starting to feel it

the world is crashing around me
boulders and bricks and the world in pieces crumbling around me
everything i thought i knew is falling apart
i dont speak to her now and i won't
but more and more and more questions
and i dont have a f*cking therapist

i want to call chaz.
im next to bawling and i want to call him. he is the only one i want to talk to
but i talked to him earlier
there is no one for me to talk to and it hurts my heart more
it hurts
and im all alone

[Diver]

i'm starting to feel the pain from just little stuff and it's like completely overwhelming. it's this like gutwrenching feel like im dying kind of heartache that i keep just turning off and opting out of at times like without wanting to. i feel like shit, like it's gonna kill me. and i wish someone understood. but i dont have anyone that gets it.

it's compounded by having a child and at various ages, including now at 7, i am wondering how things happened the way they did, why she allowed things, why did she do things to me, why did she isolate me and then ignore me when she wasn't hurting me? and as a parent, i see my 7 year old and I would never allow anything like that to happen and i just cannot understand why she did?
wtf did i do to deserve it?

i am scared to start feeling the hurt from it
im literally afraid the grief will be too much
i have my kid here, i cant cry now
i cant or it might not stop ever
i wish i had a therapist
i wish someone would come hold me and hug me
this is NOT FAIR
i need someone to be here with me
i need chaz to be here for me

why is this rage inside that demands him?