Help

[Josefin]

As I live with my partner, that's been abused like I have, although I had a lot of things like friends, warmth, some love, toys, food, a nice house, nice living and schools, he had nothing of this, at all. Not that my narcissistic/psychopathic mother, brother and father were any better, but, I had some, depending on their whim.

He's been abused the most horrible ways ever imagined at all fronts to the point of death four times. That kinda rounds it up. I'm the first he's ever trusted, or loved. He's been trying to bring forth what he knew what was deep, deep down towards memo he's done a good work a very long time, and loads of changes for him and his mind for the better, and control of his thoughts. I've given him what I knew, and from my own experience. It's helped loads. In the beginning, he was abusive towards me, until the dam broke, and the abuse came in the daylight. He stopped, changed completely, when he saw. He made big changes. But, before that, he went to bed with his x. Right after promising me forever. He blames his state of mind and all his issues. Yeah, well we got over that, even though I til this day have some trust issues because of it. But he's made a major effort, and never have looked on anyone, literally.

That's however not what I'm gonna talk about here. I need help, and direction. Due to being pressed financially, I moved from one country to another for him. My country doesn't run the system regarding references as they do here, where they practically eat it:) my country doesn't and at least what I've experienced have not bothered about it. Do I'm in a country where I need references and gave none to get a job.
I was sick before I got here and it got worse. Now I have cronic fatique, asthma and recently diabetes, that I have to change my whole diet for. Yeah and I nearly died from a bronchitial inflammation. Result, no work right.
He's been doing a lot of work, but the bills kept/keeps coming and we fell short, he took a loan, with no overtime ...he had planned he got overtime in order to pay the loan, now we can't.

I got a job, but couldn't fulfil, they wanted us to memorise complicated stuff in loads for two weeks, all loads from day to day, like test next day you've heard it. I don't know if being in my four ties was it, the rest was twenties.. They seemed to be able to, but I could not memorise that fast. Blazing speed of learning. I haven't even encountered that on universities. Note I'm from a totally different way of living too where speed is slow and no criminality etc.
So I couldn't do it and now were back to square one, where I have to look and look..

He turns out to blame me for depending too much, spending the loan money etc. but all I have done, and he knows it, and he had no problem with it for years, even saying it was normal, all I have done is essentials, food, and what's normal. Oh, but we had the biggest row three weeks ago, where I was accused for it.
And that even though he's been ok with everything and encouraging.
Then, he proceed blaming me for the mess of the house, given our lack of funds and no storage in the house and need of more storage and wardrobes. I'm blamed for that, and for having and buying too many clothes. No, I haven't, in a month or two maybe but fx now I haven't bought since early last year.
Oh and blames me for spending all the money(covered) and never anything for him. Yeah, right.. I've been trying like mad for him to get something, I even had to buy to him, or he would've gone without trousers, it's that bad. All because he's told me how he never was allowed anything, not clothes either, or food..that was a lie he revealed to me under our big row!

He's been saying that all time to me... Now, he said oh, he knows where to go.. But he wants to wait til there are money.. With not much you see it, don't you.. And yet, if there have been some, he didn't WANT any!!!
And I'm blamed for not letting him have!!! He said I was using him!!! When he knows the truth and that's far from it.

Then, he's been suffering from headaches and pain in his body from fall and abuse and have back problems too, he's having splitting headaches where he say it's beams from a UFO craft. Since being spiritual, right, and seen such, he believes it's them... And at times just pain.. He say it's healing...he will under no circumstance go to a doctor. Then he gets really annoyed. I can't mention. And on top he has lots of psychological pain and grief from his abuse. Many times it's all at once. Luckily he will be able to get some help here now since I have my last pay coming..

Do he's been in bed a lot and I see him a few times- a month...........

I suffer wildly from that. Yes, I have and can do my hobbies...but it's not enough, is it.. You can't live like this...
But I do.. And he doesn't change it. He comes home, quick kiss and Hugh, then it's off to bed. If not the other then tiredness and lately sleeplessness. When he's off, he does the same. If I'm lucky he comes for a meal and leaves. Rarely do I see him more. If I do, we can't cover or do anything we shall do, or talk about. It's so bad he's ignoring answer the bills to contact, and one of them was a court payment.. But I can't do. Anything he gets annoyed, and, it's not in my name..

He blamed me for going eventually to prison for that bank loan since he can't pay it too and said then I think you might have trouble, I think.

And he's been saying so many times to me he's not ignoring me.. But during our row, he said he had! For almost a year!!!! He lied to me! He did this! I've never said as much as a single lie to him! Do you get how he could do this to me for so long, and do all to make me believe he wasn't ?! That's what he did! And I've been coming to him crying saying I hope you don't ignore me.. And on top of it he's been ignored ALL his childhood! Yeah, but what about me...I was too.. More or less..
What he's done here, I cried about til my body was shaking last night. I know he heard me, but did he come..no. He has his room beside mine, sleep problems due to abuse it's called from him, he has super hearing so I know he heard.
He used to come before, long time ago, or, said he would...........
That hurt me too. I was the most lonely in the world where any friend that care overseas and none here, and him like that. I even have to fix my passport, it's run out, gotta review, but it cost money. So I can't even get home. My family are narcissists/psychopaths that don't care and he knows that. But what does he do???.......

And on top of that when we had our row he said he didn't love me! He said as things are now.... And the way I can't get through to her... No.

That was another one, that he couldn't get through to me and talk to me claiming he didn't dare say anything of what he's said above. And we that used to talk about everything... All the time..so it's a lie a big lie.
And all of the above too, I guess that's why he didn't dare to say it!

Oh, after we've talked, and he blamed me heavily for hours and then, he said he does love me! That he only said it because he couldn't or dare like said!

But as I thought of last night, he also said as things are now... (Even though lies)
So it must still be, right?!
He said he only! Said that since he couldn't get through to me...

I need your help! What is going on?
And how can I, we, get through this?

I was so blamed.. He say he's having huge problems controlling his negative, highly negative thoughts about me that they go on like that all the time, but that he tries to, he wants to believe me..

Oh yeah, like I'm responsible for him taking a loan and not getting overtime and knows we had to buy to survive.. Or me having normal needs and him not wanting or daring to get anything, then turn blame me looking around my room..
I came here without my clothes, I lost everything..
He was understanding and encouraging..or so I thought..

Help.. I'm really really sad, I love him same time I know I have to try find a job and fix passport etc.. And save for god knows what he's capable of..

Help!

[PeacefulNinja]

Hi Josefin,

Sounds like you know what you need to do "I know I have to try find a job and fix passport etc.." Getting a job sounds like a great starting point! Wishing you the best as you begin your search!

PeacefulNinja

[Josefin]

I tried talking today again.. Him isolated the whole day in bed very obviously in pain, his head and back. He said well, you know, with my background, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I have problems to trust, so I ignored for a while.

A while!?! Nine months!

And then repeated his difficulties.

Is this running from the responsibility, or giving me the blame?

What concerns me is he didn't think of the trust issue created. Neither didn't he comment other than Hugh's and touch of me crying... Should I be suspicious?

[Josefin]

There's also another thing I'm concerned about, after our row he's decided to tell me whenever I do or say something that irritates or annoys him. He's said he hasn't before due to each person having free will and you shouldn't change others.. That's also the standards we have. It was my impression at least.. That we could love unconditionally.

Today he complained about me repeating something he got annoyed hearing that I apparently repeat a lot. It was about something that might help him, and he said he knows it won't and I always say it and tells me how it annoys him, and ask me to stop doing that.

On one hand, I'm like sure, no problem, if it annoys you.
On another hand, I do wonder if he crosses my free will of expression and how right this is? As it feels wrong..somewhere..I just can't place it... Can you?

Like there can only come more of this....

And he does have a detailed sensed mind, and he's admitted the tiniest can piss him off- inside though, when it disturbs his detailed sensed mind..
And voila it hit me. My narc mother was the same, taking it out on me criticising me apart. On a regular basis. Is this why I feel uneasy, or is he really crossing my boundaries?? I can't see clearly. It's to delicate.

I don't trust him much though now

[Josefin]

And I. Retain lay don't go around telling him what he does that annoys me.. I just accept him.. And I'm not easy annoyed either.. And I don't have a detailed sensed mind but a large perspective. Just because of these differences we've kinda hit the wall, too. He's expressed annoyance there too. I'm afraid he will take this further.. What do you say

[Xanthia]

Hi Josefin,

Regarding your changed country situation, perhaps visiting the Embassy for your previous country might help you with passport - you might be able to pay fees little by little.

Embassy staff might know about references not being available and offer advice for paid work opportunities.

You say that your partner won't see a doctor. Would he be willing to visit any other health professional? Or talk to a pharmacist about what pain relief could be useful?

What you describe seems to be a very difficult situation for both of you.
May you find ways to help you both to understand one another.

[Josefin]

Good idea, I live 350 miles from it though, the only in this country. Kinda same cost to go there as a passport:(. Don't even drive, since where I come from, we have an excellent communication system, and it's much more expensive, much more, to even own a car. So most get by without. He can drive, of course! If we had a car, which we don't. Here busses etc are very limited, yes they do run here but outside this town a tremendous huge difference from what I'm used to. Like not much at all. Or some routes. And hyper expensive. I have an animal too that need an animal passport. I gave up two animals that I couldn't bring and I'm never gonna do that again. I guess the only way is jobs and save..

I just don't seem to be able to melt that he consciously choose to ignore me for almost a year, and what do I hear.. Well with my background...!!! Telling me he believed something different.... Believing his thoughts... Which of course is completely contradictory, and he still has a lot of trust issues...

How he's been is not "normal", is it?

[Josefin]

Is he right or not regarding telling me what he doesn't like with me whenever?
Like I said, I fear it's not, and that were supposed to lovingly look over such things, unless it's serious.. Like we can't walk around be annoyed all the time over the others small things that really isn't important. I'm a very large minded person and I can't live like that. Since everyone have the own right to be themselves. I wonder, if what he's doing there will be here and there or increase.. My own mother picked me apart.. And had me to jello shivers..
When he abused me, in the beginning, like I have described, that he stopped, he did exactly just that, picked me apart verbally and emotionally by criticising my language and the differences in thinking and processing, due to being from another country, we've had troubles there. He say and do things and I do that don't mean the same in clues and body language and verbally. It's not major major difference, but enough to happen even today, even though today we understand better, but it's still happening. For him too I must add. Of course it adds..
On one hand, I don't want him to be annoyed and be able to come to me if there is something. That was the problem before that he said he felt like he couldn't. But again, he's never been allowed to express himself ever, through his whole childhood. Can that really be the core issue?

I just have the feeling there's something wrong here and I can't pinpoint it. Can you see what it is?

[Josefin]

Thank you, and for reading. No he blatantly refuses a pharmacist avoids it like the plague. Also with the "alternative mindset" that meds only makes your mind and body worse. Not 50% of it! but the rest kinda. And that it's more profit.. I'm not as extreme, even though I do have a healthy respect.. A lot of good is done, with the bad. But that's separate. But it plays it's part in his refusal. He hadn't even signed up yet for the surgery, and it's been two years. That's how stubborn he is. His body has taken so many hits due to his abuse. He was dropped as a baby on a stone floor, and that was done consciously. He recieved no help, no hospital, even though he was bleeding and screaming. Same when ever he was hurt during abuse, he's fallen down from highest tree and broke his back severely, this is why he has back problems. He recieved no help. He was ignored. He's been kicked in his head with steel boots far and landed with his head in a steel bar. As a two year old. By his own father. For eating some cereal, he was starved like the children in Africa with a belly like it, and under developed. I myself haven't had it like that, it seems like a holiday to him what I had. But I was beaten and abused physically but not sexually which he was by his uncle, he resisted though so it was never fulfilled. I've been almost beaten and strangled to death by my brother and father on my mothers command, watching it all. A lot of verbal and mental abuse and emotional. I've had it easier than him I have though. And I had some normalcy. I recieved help too, when it happened, and I also have a very strong integrity, that literally saved me. Or as I prefer to say, God saved me. He saved him too, he fixed four times, went out of his body had encounters, and was sent back. He's convinced he would've been dead otherwise because his body was shattered.
I've been able to help him a lot, with my experience and support, and my psychological experience that's helped me a lot. I go so far to say we got him back, now it's the grief and pain left. We've been able to support eachother a lot, and he's been my rock, when my family has been evil. And his experience have been a tremendous help in tackling them. So has my help. And Gods. I won't take the full credit.

But, no, pharmacy he will never allow unless it's death or life kinda. Unfortunately. Maybe his therapist convinces him I font know., but there's definitely PTSD there and an anxiety disorder. That has gone better. He's feeling more safe. But doesn't say he doesn't have safety issues. He's done a tremendous work controlling his mind and emotions and his thoughts. And he's learned so much from it and so have I.

[Xanthia]

Hi Josefin,

You describe many positives and issues in your situation, both present and past.
I've learnt that comparison of one person's experience of abuse with someone else's is not productive.
Abuse, hurt, etc results in pain. One person gets a paper cut, another has a broken bone -- the pain felt can be very strong by both people.
Yet from observation, first person has small problem. To them, paper cut is a big deal .

What does your therapist (T) say about your relationship with your partner?
How does your heart feel deep down inside? Can you see yourself growing old with this person? Will you be safe in all respects? What would you like changed? What would be the best circumstances? How could best happen? What if nothing changes? Will you be comfortable with living the same as you have had in past for rest of your life? If nothing changed, how long will pass before you say enough is enough?

You might think of other questions to explore with your T.

Are there phone help lines in your country? Sometimes sharing aloud with someone you can bounce ideas around can be useful perspective.

Remember that you can only choose for yourself. No-one can decide for another person whether to change or communicate or behave/think any differently .

Who is supportive of you? I appreciate that you have had negativity from family -- is there any relative you talk to or close friends?

May you find what works out best for you on every level.