hi checking in....

[Starshaped]

hi everyone, I am ashamed that I came back in April then ran off again. I have had ups and downs. A bit down at the moment though I am keeping a brave face. I try very hard to remain positive but have had old memories resurfacing this last few weeks which have hit me like a tonne of bricks. I haven't told a soul about them, though people know I was feeling down a few weeks ago. I think I have convinced everyone that I am back to normal now, but I am not. I'm working with the people who trained me to be a hypnotherapist which is nice but only very part time and I have been struggling with pain this last few weeks to the extent where I can't get into work, even though they are lovely enough to come and fetch me int he morning and take me home at the end of the day. I feel a bit useless and even more so for disappearing for 18 months and then showing my face and then disappearing again. I will make a big effort to stick with it again.

I was referred to get some more psychotherapy a few months back and have had my appointment to go in and be assessed three times now and have cancelled all of them for one reason or another. I don't even know if my referral is still valid or if my mental health nurse (CPN) will have to do it again. Im really pissed off with myself for fucking that up and not following through, like I do with so many things in my life. Talk about self sabotage. I think that's what I am doing with the lovey people who I am volunteering to work for, they areso lovely and have shown me such caring and then I just disappear and don't get in contact. I have avoided literally everything that I need to do. I am supposed to see my doctor every 4 weeks and have missed the last two appointments and he has had to write out 4 separate weekly prescriptions for me to collect and get filled, I have avoided the T sessions, I have avoided my CPN, I have avoided seeing my friends, I have avoided everything and this is NOT a good sign. Yet the smile stays plastered on my face and he positive words come out of my mouth and I give clients a wonderful experience of hypnotherapy which changes their lives and inside I am just crumbling. I feel like such a fraud.

The only good thing in my life that I can relate to (other than my partner and dog) is the fact that I am slowly losing weight and gaining back some health that I need. Even that though feels like a huge mountain to climb. I have lost over 200lbs (15 stone-100kgs) in weight and I still fee like I am as big as ever. This fucking eating disorder might be under control physically but it shits all over me in my mind and heart. I wish I could make the use of the support that I have and I am hoping against hope (probably unnecessarily) that the lovely people here won't tell me to eff off for being so absent and crap. I am just grateful for the space to vent this stuff and not be cast asunder, I'm surprised even to still have an account open here, I was sure (maybe even hopeful???) that you would have done my job for me and cast me out.

I'm sorry to be so negative. Im sorry to have saved up all this crap and not been around to support other people and Im sorry to comeback here and dump this. I really thought I was done with the difficult stuff. God there is so much going on. I guess I have already started, though I feel like I don't know where to start. Thank god you are all here.

Star xx

[Jonesy]

Hi Starshaped

It's very good to see you but I am sorry to hear that things aren't so great right now.
Please don't worry about not being around/ disappearing/ not supporting others, because that is NOT what isurvive is about.
I hope you can believe me. Please write as you can, we are listening.

[VAC]

Starshaped,

Wow! I am so impressed with your discipline and healing.

VAC

[ajei]

Hi starshaped...sounds to me like you are moving forward even though it's tough going. Sometimes we need to disappear before we are ready to take the next step. One day at a time right...I'm guessing you wouldn't be as hard on your clients as you are being on yourself. Hang in there and know I am here listening and sending you my support.

ajei

[recover]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((starshaped)))))))))))))))))))))))))
so sorry its been so hard.
no worries about coming and going. none at all. i am ALWAYS happy to see you, always.
much caring,
recover

[Starshaped]

(((((((((((((((((Jonesy VAC ajei and recover)))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you all so much for the warm reception. And thank you for reminding me that it is OK to have gone away and come back. I really am grateful for this support that you are offering so generously. I don’t feel worthy of it but I am grateful all the same.

VAC- thank you for saying that you are impressed with my discipline, it has been a hard road but I seem to be making changes slowly, its more the head stuff than the weight loss side of things that I struggle with. Having had gastric surgery I really don’t find losing weight all that difficult, though I had a 2 month stall up until about 5 weeks ago, but the weight loss has started happening again, thankfully. I think that’s what you were talking about with my discipline?? Maybe I am wrong. Either way, thank you.

Jonesy, thank you too, it helps so much to know that I am welcomed back here again. I really did miss all of you, but didn’t realise how much until I came back! It is a remarkable place of healing and you should be proud of what you have achieved with the place Jonesy.

Ajei. You are right of course, I don’t treat my clients the same way that I treat myself. I have all the patience in the world for those who I work with. Maybe I could think about way to afford those feelings towards myself. It is hard but with practice I guess it would get easier. You are right I am moving forwards, I have found my spirituality again which I didn’t believe would ever come back. And I am exploring new ideas and ways of thinking that I didn’t realise existed- ways of learning and accepting myself and the world as it is, how I am… still needs more work, obviously lol thank you. It is so good to see you again ajei. I have thought about you many times over the time I have been away.

Recover. Thank you, I am always happy to see you too and thank you for welcoming me back with such warm and open hearts.

Love,

Star Xx

[VAC]

This is a good place to come back to...

[Dream Dancer]

Hi Starshaped, I miss you.