The Body Keeps The Score

[Kokoschka]

The way l feel l could read a bible long elaboration about the damages caused by verbal, physical and emotional abuse. As l already commented, I can't get enough reassurance and validation to the fact that ir's the ABUSE l experienced, in a way a life long, that has shaped me and not my being weird to begin with. So as far as l am concerned l really didn't find what l was looking for. Not enough anyway

[Crow]

Hey Kokoschka, you're certainly not weird
The traumatic experiences shape us, and especially when they are sustained and repetitive from a young age it had an actual effect on the brain's development.
It's not you Kokoschka

I'm only just at chapter 10 of this book but it has been helpful so far.

Crow

[Kokoschka]

Hi Crow,

How are you doing? You know I'm here if you want to talk.

Thanks for trying to comfort me. Actually, as my husband just said to me yesterday, it's about time that, without obliterating my story, I start living in the now. As I mentioned already, I'll be 70 in a few months so whatever time I got left I should try to enjoy instead of being buried in the past. I know he's right and he means well but it's so hard to do. Well, who am I telling that to ?
We went for a walk a couple of days ago and once again I was telling him about the story of my life and that despite what my mother had done to me, I felt sorry for her. A kind of pain mixed with pity for what we both had missed. It's actually a feeling I don't like and that I try to suppress as I am not willing to cut her some slack along the way. And then I came home and read about THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE, got the book, looked up the child trauma part and felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach (yeah, right, what else is new?).
BTW, we have cats that won't touch their food unless they're hugged and cuddled first, you'll understand what I mean when you get to the part.

Thinking of starting my own thread here where I can talk, muse, regurgitate and elaborate about my life but I was never good at writing things down AND I'm afraid that nobody will care, be able to relate or comment on what I have to say. I've spoken, Kokoschka

P.S. I looked up the CRAPPY CHILDHOOD FAIRY - I like her!!

[Crow]

Hi Kokoschka,

You should definitely start a new thread just for you! And you know what?... if people can't relate, or don't seem to care then that's up to them - it's not on you And I'm sure people will comment and take an interest anyway.

I understand too what you say about not being buried in the past - I feel that is all I keep doing lately... getting stuck in the past. I think maybe that is what is adding to my feeling so low. You probably noticed I removed my signature... that's because I stopped believing it. I feel like I'm living in the past rather than it living in me. But as you say it is so hard to stop doing that.
With regard to the mixed feelings about your mum. I have similar feelings. I switch between negative emotion and anger, to feeling sorry for her and all she has been through herself as a child and an adult, and what we could have had - a fun, loving life together.

I'm stuck in 'freeze' mode. I know I should be doing something to get all the advice I need regarding stopping work on mental health grounds, and what financial help we'll get if I do, but all I'm doing is ruminating on things that have happened and what is likely to happen, and the negative outcomes going forward. Heard nothing from any of the job adverts and enquiries other than one that I was unsuccessful in progressing to interview (probably look overqualified and experienced for simple jobs).

Keep trying to talk to my wife about how I feel and the dilemma we have but she seems to be fed up with it all. She just wants me 'better' and seems to be frustrated with me and the way I'm feeling. I told her that it's not a choice how I react or feel, and that I am trying, but today is a bit of a frosty atmosphere at home. I'm so down and feeling rejected and misunderstood.

Crow

[there]

Kokoshka,
"The Body Keeps the Score" is truly a helpful book. If you ever watch any talks by Dr. Van der Kolk on YouTube, he stresses (pun inevitable ) that the body not only holds trauma, but by moving and expressing the body, it can help us heal.

An aside- I had trauma treatment at the facility he ran. I walked into the lobby one day for an appt. and through a partly open door, noticed Dr. Van der Kolk meeting with staff in the room.

And I had a mixed experience there, but mostly positive. They'd just started offering a free yoga class there which I went to.

I've had that kicked in gut experience too, though related to events at those times. Really no freaking fun, I know.

I, too, struggle with feelings towards my mother. My thought is that whatever you feel towards her is ok.

This is just me, but I think it's ok to allow the reactions, responses to the past to surface in one's feelings. If I tried to never allow them, that would bring a different kind of hardship. I think as long as I know they're the past and that I'm free to relate to it, I can live in the present ok too.

Maybe I even feel better about this present, because when I 'return' to it after thinking and feeling about the past, it's sometimes a freer feeling. It's possible that allowing past and present to co-exist inside creates more space and freedom in one's life.

Sometimes I look at my thread and notice no responses. Ha. Then I'm telling myself nobody is interested. That's what led me to your thread today. The alternative, I guess. Respond to others' threads. Ha!

[coconuts]

I found the book helpful in trying to figure out why my brain works the way it does. I found it interesting. The lack of human connection is such a detriment to children. I know some kids who were removed from their terribly abusive home where they were neglected before the age of 2 and adopted. They were only like 1 years old and these kids still suffer those safe effects. How could we expect a person to develop into something "normal" when we damage them from their earliest moments.

Every once in a while I go back to this idea that the only explanation for all the abuse and neglect I suffered by so many hands is due to my inherent wrongness. That something has always been wrong with me and so thst can only explain why my mother would abandon me, my father would neglect me and beat me, and my step mother would sell me. That there is something innately wrong with ME. Its a belief I have to battle. I have to remind myself that I would never look at a baby or a small child and say they deserve to be mistreated. Even the kids in my classes who are super naughty. So if no other child could be labeled that way, how could I say that about myself.

Coconuts

[Kokoschka]

Morning Crow,
So sorry I didn't get back to you sooner but for some reason I'm not receiving notifications...
I totally can relate to what you are feeling, your wife wanting you back to normal again and the immense pressure that puts on you when you can't deliver. The feeling all this is dragging you down and all you want is to be left alone and brood and mourn. I understand her too because I've been - for different reasons - on the so called receiving end too. It's not easy when you as outsider feel that whatever you say and do, you can't reach your partner. It's normal for both of you. Isn't there some counseling you could go to together, even only for a couple of times so you can both let off some steam in front of a third party or does your wife have someone she can talk to? I know this is all neither here nor there and I'm not taking sides, I'm just trying to make it easier on you, telling you that it's normal for her too to feel exhausted and at the end of her tether. Which I'm sure you know well without me telling you about it Wish we could talk this over personally as from afar I don't even dare to write let alone suggest what I think... Would it be possible to contact this doctor you talked to the other day again? Maybe she could make some calls to accelerate things. Or is nothing happening in that respect now? I am sorry I can't come up with any reasonable solutions or answers but I'm here to listen to you as much as you want and need. Kokoschka

[Kokoschka]

There, thank you for getting back to me.
I know, I'm kind of impatient, looking only for those chapters in the book that talk to me personally and discarding the rest. Maybe, because I'm telling myself on the other hand to let it finally be. Because I don't believe I can still change things and I should let it lay, you know, I've done enough digging and ruminating to last me a life time and it's about time I also accept some things and find peace.

You here are all still so young, you got your entire lives ahead of you and you could all be my children actually. I sometimes imagine having a daughter of my own and the kind of a mother I would have been and think it's good I don't as I probably would have been a crappy mother too and then I think I would have loved to sit with her and talk and help her out and listen to her and love her.

But you are right, after being down in the pit again for a while, I come up and find relief in the fact that some things HAVE changed, that I do have the option to get out of that place now and again and I do. Hope this makes any sense .

Yes, no comments, no answers is a HUGE issue with me but I guess with most of us here. How are you doing? Any new art in the making that we can appreciate? I really loved your work!!! There, I'm here to talk, listen and hear you. Kokoschka

[Kokoschka]

Hi Coconuts,
I was just telling There that it's good I don't have any children of my own as I would have been a crappy mother too but then I thought about you and the kind of mother YOU are or Chessgirl for that matter. You have become good mothers, you do care and love your children despite all the misery you had to live through.

I hate the pity and sorrow my mother evokes in me right this moment. Kokoschka

[coconuts]

Aww thanks Kokoschka
While i love being a mother its not for everyone and thats okay. Im not sure how great a mother I am, I had to work hard to learn how to be a mom. When I found out I was pregnant with my eldest I decided to go to college and enroll in a child development and familh studies plan. My family and life had been so disfunctional I couldnt stand the idea that i could potentially follow the trend. I didnt want my kids to hurt and suffer as I had. So i learned in the most academic ways I could how to be a mother. How to raise children. But woohee does it like to throw all sorts of curveballs and all at once sometimes lol. And at this point in my life I sorta just wish I could just be bu myself to take care of my needs. Cause holding it together enough to not impact my kids too much is hard. Really hard. And it seems like it would be easier if I didnt have to hold jt together for them. On the other hand, the thought of hurting them has been the only thing that has prevented me from su a few times. I could never do that to them.

You likely would have been a fine mother. You certainly knew what NOT to do and you seem intelligent and thoughtful enough. Hell as long as people dont abuse their kids I could care less about all the other stuff. The most important is love, and you certainly do that with your fur babies. ( Aww. Suddenly really longing for wishing I had a kitty again)

Coconuts