Lego posted the following on the welcome thread:
Great minds think alike!Might put up a post about the motivation to return, and the oddness of thinking on how different life is now, trying to remember those old days and the dim memory of how HARD it was back then ...but not sure have courage to be the first "more than hello" old timer poster lol. We'll see ... ~ Lego
When I think back to 2003 (yes, I am an "ancient timer"
), that person seems nearly unrecognizable. I still have my good traits (compassionate, etc.), but I am such a different version of myself that I only have five people in my life today who were there before therapy. Three of them are local family (child, husband, and father-in-law). One is my sister, who has grown a lot as well. The fifth is my best friend from high school, who has also grown a lot. Both of them live out of state, but we stay in touch.If you had told me in 2003 that healing would come at the loss of pretty much everyone else in my life, I am not sure I would have had the courage to move forward. However, from today's perspective, I simply outgrew those people. As I have grown healthier, I have attracted much healthier people. Why would I want to twist myself into a pretzel not to "upset" one of my "older" friends when I can hang out with one of my "newer" friends with no drama while simply being myself?
In 2003, I was experienc nightly flashbacks and staying triggered 24/7. My T assured me that I would likely continue to recover memories for the rest of my life, but it would trickle down to one every so many months or years, and triggers would only affect me for hours or days versus weeks. I didn't believe him at the time, but he was right! For the last few years, I have recovered 2-3 new memories a year, and I generally work through triggers quickly. Most of the time, I tell myself, "I'm triggered, and that's OK." I am OK just to "be" with the trigger until it passes.
Dec 2011 was a huge healing experience for me. I have hated Christmas for most of my life (even though I am active in my church) and don't remember any of my Christmases through age 23. In December, I recovered the memory telling me why, and it was one of my most horrifying memories to-date (and that's saying something!
)This time, I did something completely different. I blogged about it and emailed the information to a friend. Beyond that, I did not talk about it or analyze it. I holed up at home for a couple of weeks so I could "be" with the sadness. I laid low because I didn't want anyone to cheer me up or to distract me. I wanted to honor the sadness and let it flow as long as it needed to. I spent ~ 10 days crying a lot and avoiding other people. Then, I woke up one morning and was actually somewhat joyful about Christmas!
I am going to try this method again when the next memory surfaces because it was so effective for me. For any of you who knew me then, you'll get what a HUGE change this is for me. I always wanted to control and analyze it all to death. Now, I am OK with just "being."
