paralyzed

[kirchnercolors]

if i move backwards, i fall off a cliff into my past. i’m a scared child, i’m a pre teen hiding razors in tissue boxes, i’m a young adult hospitalized.
if i move forwards i’m thrown down a never ending spiral of hellish thoughts.
so i stand here, sinking into the ground, letting it happen because taking a step in any direction is terrifying.
the devil stares at me and i stare right back. i think to myself, “this is how it ends for me.”
i let him devour me, swallowed whole.

[there]

kc,
Tough spot to be in. I get it. It can feel like you have no way to get anywhere safe, so you freeze where you are. And that place, or maybe the staying still, is ultimately fatal.

I see courage and strength in your words, a facing down of fear, or the devil.

Fortunately, you’re still here with us for real.

[kirchnercolors]

thank you for your kind words, there. i appreciate you...

[coconuts]

Sometimes I think I have to just stand there and let to wash over me. Like a tsunami. I might be bruised and gasping for air afterwards but I've learned it passes. Somehow, some way it passes.

I'm sorry you are feeling so stuck and trapped by all this. Trauma sucks.

[kirchnercolors]

thank you coconuts. trauma does suck. i think you’re right though. i just need to get through this episode. let it happen, like you’re supposed to do during a panic attack.