The trouble with feelings...

[Closeyclo]

My thoughts, like the air, are heavy.
And what I wouldn't give to be able to breathe.
But they're all pushing down onto my lungs and I am suffocating.
That is just the thoughts. The feelings are nigh on indescribable.
Sometimes it feels like a black hole has opened up in my stomach.
It gets bigger and bigger, engulfing all of my internal organs.
Threatening to drag me into an unknown centre I might never return from.
Or else it's the opposite. A giant balloon filling me entirely.
Pushing and pushing, until there is no room for anything but feeling.
Filling me from my feet to the bottom of my throat.
Where it sticks, like Augustus Gloop in that damn pipe.
And I choke on all of the words I want to say to express how I feel.
I cannot bring them up. And nobody can bash a concerned hand against my back to loosen them.
It's swallow, or die.
To borrow a quote from Elsa- "conceal, dont feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know."
It feels so all encompassing. And logic is so safe.
I may not be able to assign a name for my feeling, but I can tell you it is happening on account of my amygdala.
Explaining how my hind brain is in control and my feelings are not logical has the wonderful effect of activating my frontal cortex.
The more I tell you, the faster I am clawing my way back to safety.
Feelings cannot be trusted, just a change in chemistry.
Incidentally, here is a list of 20 researchers I read about during my last year of university.....
A continuous stream of academia until all the feelings are pushed away.
The intensity feels less. But the air is still heavy.
It occurs to me that next time they will be harder to push down. I may not have the strength.
But what if I don't possess the strength to feel them either?

[Flifflo]

Oh Closeyclo,

Sounds really rough. It takes a lot of effort to keep those feelings stuffed down deep. And then feel like you can’t get to them anymore. Stuck “like Augustus Gloop in that damn pipe”. Nice reference. And the intellectalizing. I can relate.

Sending healing thoughts and support your way.

Warmly,
Flifflo

[EasyStreet]

I hear you.

I've lived this: A continuous stream of academia until all the feelings are pushed away.

I need to be continually reminded that I'm an animal, a mammal. The closer to that that I live, the better I feel.

(only if not triggering) namaste (I recognize the divine in you)