It stops here

[Flifflo]

I don’t profess to be some great writer or poet. I only share this because it feels good and because maybe some of you can relate. Thanks for listening. Flifflo

I don’t want to care about those people who pretend to be nice and like me and then inexplicably take that away. As if I did something wrong. I have no fucking idea what I did. My T says it’s not me. It’s not my stuff. Give it back to them. Don’t let them put it on me. I guess that’s what my dad did. Thanks for absofuckinglutely nothing dad. The only thing I can thank you for is that I’m here. Which..... I want to be. So there’s that. There were times when I didn’t want to be because it was all too painful. I’m not there. And that is a really good thing. Because that was hell.

I want to be able to say “I don’t care” and mean it. I want that so fucking bad. I don’t want the world to hurt me anymore. I don’t want my family to hurt me anymore. I don’t want anyone who tries to hurt me to hurt me anymore. And I want them to know they can’t. And feel the power of that. My power. You can’t fuck with me.

I don’t want to be attracted to those people anymore. What a shitty lot. To be attracted to those who abused/abuse you. I don’t want to want to fix that. It’s not my fucking problem!!! I’m throwing it back at you fuckers. You assholes. You pieces of fucking shit who try to make other people feel bad in order to prop yourself up.

Even as I get mad I feel sorry for you. Can’t I just get mad and leave you behind?!? I know that you feel pain too. Only those who feel pain cause pain. Ugh.

It stops here.

[Harbor]

I hear you. Manipulation involves deceitfully getting us to give something willingly that cannot be otherwise taken. When our eyes are open to manipulation, we are much more difficult to manipulate because we realize that we had power all along.

[Flifflo]

Yes Harbor. Manipulation. The vile word of the day. Fucking manipulators. Beware. And beware the martyr too. In my experience people who act like a martyr are just trying to talk shit about someone. Tear them down to others. The fucking martyr master manipulators. I’ve had many of them in my life and I fell for it. They are full of shit. Now I watch out for them. Sneaky. Women, usually.

Sorry. Feeling very sweary. I think I’m still at an MT

[coconuts]

I go through waves of anger too. I spew angry, swear words and hate everyone that hurt me and made this mess. I want to throw everything back on them they tried to throw on me. It only lasts for a minute sometimes I wish it would stay longer. it feels freeing to feel that rush. to be angry in a valid way.

yay to you for expressing it.

[Flifflo]

Coconuts may you get mor of that valid anger soon. Wishing that for you.

Warmly,
Flifflo