Not there yet

[dancingfish]

This wrote itself from my writing (not posting) voice, so thought to put it here.

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I like to imagine a version of me that is parts of what I am. The pieces that I like, that I worked hard for, and value.

There are many more parts than that here though, and I can't quite seem to accept them all. Someone said: "But it's all just you." Yet I don't want that. I don't want all of it to be me, even though I know it is. I want the parts that could have been different, that it seems so important to remember could have been different, to not be me. The parts that were beyond my control. The parts that were given to me without my asking, fixed into my skin and stapled to my bones where I can't scratch them away. The bad memories, and the parts I don't even let myself see. I don't want them to be there at all.

I know that they're there, these other pieces of my being, but I still reject them. They're not the me I chose, they're not the me I wanted to be when I was very young and dancing to rainbows in the sky. They're part of me yet I don't know how to accept them, because I don't like them and want them changed, want them to be different. They are what remains once I have taken aside the parts that I wanted or altered to my liking. They are the grey dregs, the insecure habits, the angry voices and the ability to inflict such pain. It's all me, but I'm so ashamed. It goes like this: they're bad, and accepting them makes me bad. If they're me, they're my responsibility and also my fault. Their clamour and their greed. In my splintered secret silence I am left alone and hurting.

So we're left with bad pitted against not bad. Parts I reject and accept in turn, that can never be fully set apart. The entangled awkward tension between the two is where I live. Trying to desperately keep them separated in a battle I can never win. So day by day it saps our strength, until a point where we feel we might break. Where we might drop our heads and give up our walls, let all the horrors in - and accept.

But I'm not there yet, not there yet.

[Chiquitta]

For me, not there yet means still healing and recovering. This will take my entire lifetime so I go slowly one day at a time.



Chiquitta

[Fleur]

Dear DancingFish

Acceptance of negativity in parts can be difficult
Rather than a battle, I have parts I've accepted and parts that are not considered safe or not yet considered as . "self "
It used to be a battle inside and as you say took a huge effort
Now, those parts have a nice space in which to operate
I choose whether to use negativity or positive aspects of self
I envisage parts of myself not needed as playing - little ones, or in safe place quietly reading or meditating or busy with a project
This helps the day be more positive with neutral aspects
Doesn't always mean that I have peaceful day but less likely to use energy on inner battle
Effort put where consciously decided .

May you find what works best for yourself

[dancingfish]

Thank you both for your words. :) a little everyday is a good thought, goes against my usual impatience. ;) ah, giving a safe space to parts, accept and give them something to do, what a good idea. Thank you. :) I'm just starting to work on this, only two major parts, some glimpses of other lesser or less connected ones. Shall see, is a bit of a journey of discovery. :)

[Fleur]

Dear DancingFish

Definitely a journey of discovery -- may you have fun along the way with aspects of yourself who enjoy playing, being creative

Caring hugs

[Couragetoday]

Hi dancingfish,

Only saw your post today.
Thank you for sharing those words!
I struggle stringing words together to describe such things....
Thank you for sharing your insight, and sharing more of want it is like for you.

Hope today is kind to,you.

CT

[Fleur]

Dear Dancingfish

Reading from you on my thread, it occurred to me that I hadn't written on your thread recently
So, I'm dropping in to say "hi"

May today hold beautiful moments for you

Much caring