Little Girl Daydreams

[BrokenButterflyWings]

Little-Girl Daydreams

Sometimes in my daydreams, I imagine myself , barefoot and running, my arms wide open, through a field of wildflowers. Purple,and white. Pink and green. The colors warm my spirit and I am in the safety of my daydreams. I stop in the middle of the field, and close my eyes. I begin to spin, to dance with the soft and gentle breeze. The sun blows me kisses that land upon my skin, and around and around I go. For a moment I am pure and innocent, untouched and unbroken. A fearless child, glorified in her freedom, peaceful in her childhood.
“Why the fuck would anybody love you?” My aunt's words sting, and I'm brought out of the safety of my daydream. “I brought you here when nobody else wanted you. You came here with nothing. I give you everything!” She continues to scream at me. She calls me names, and tells me I'm ungrateful. Then she grabs my arm and twists it behind my back and forces me out of my chair before throwing me on the ground. I curl up into the smallest ball I can manage. There was never any point in trying to hide or run. There was never any escape. She always got to you. She manages a good kick to my ribs, and I hear the crack that sounds like a twig crunching somewhere in the distance.
The moon is full tonight. I like that because it lights my way in the forest. The forest is kind to me. The trees wrap me in their branches and embrace me in their gentle hug, and it heals even my deepest of wounds. They whisper to me, and I feel better. Nothing can hurt me here in the forest. I am protected by the creatures that reside here, and hidden by the bushes. I know that I am safe. There is a place not to far from here where Shining Knight's stable is, my Egyptian Palomino. The wildest stallion in all the lands, he is magnificent and dignified, and his creamy coat is forever soft as silk.
The owls lead the way, and the wolves follow behind. Soon I can see Shining Knight, and he trots over to greet me. After a pat and nose-kisses, I climb his massive height, and sit bareback upon him. “Dance, my Shining Knight, Dance”, I whisper to him, and off we go, following the moon's glow to wherever it will take us.
Something grabs my hair and and I'm dragged across the floor to the chair. Here my aunt pulls me to my feet and makes me pull off my pants. After she throws me face down onto the chair she starts hitting me with whatever she has in her hands that time. This she calls “love-taps” and says that they're for my own good. I don't believe her. It hurts. It can't be for my own good if it hurts this much, can it? Eventually it stops, and I'm left alone with my anguish to figure out how not do whatever I did to get this ever again. I know nothing I can do will ever stop her disgust and anger at me. So I just lay there until whatever happens next, and I begin to daydream.
Sometimes in my daydreams, I imagine that I can dance on water, the waves of the sea holding me up, lead by the rhythm in my steps. They follow my song, and my spirit leads them. The stars, they dance to the beat in my heart, a wondrous show of light amidst the seemingly endlessness of the night that surrounds me. And in my daydreams, I can rest my head on the waves of the sea, their rhythmic rocking lulling me into a peaceful slumber that I hope will never end...


* * * * *

My brother did it because he was mad at me. But my aunt believes him when he said I did it. “He's older and I know that he knows better. You're just a stupid little girl, so just tell me the truth and it won't be that bad”. Reluctantly I tell her I was the one who kicked in the windshield of our uncle's truck. She sits me on the floor facing away from her, and she stands really still behind me. She's holding my brother's mini hockey stick. I don't know how long she's standing there for. She's quiet and she hasn't moved in what seems like ages. It feels like torture. I don't know when to expect it. Or if she's just teasing me and threatening me? No. She's playing with me. I'm her little game. But it's not much longer before I feel the slice of the hockey stick cut open the top of my head, and the warmth of blood weeping down my face in streams like tears of sorrow. She yells at me to get up , and she kicks me toward the kitchen, accusing me of getting blood on her carpet.
The wind rushes through my hair as Shining Knight and I gallop through the trees of the moonlit forest, a bow and arrow in my grasp and a quiver on my back. I can see the edge coming closer and closer, the mountains and daybreak not far ahead. I sit up as tall as I can, my face in the crisp, early morning air, towards the sky and watch in awe as the morning sun climbs up high above the tallest peak. I let the feeling of all it's beauty encompass me, and I know it can't be described. Sometimes in my daydreams I imagine that I will be like that morning sun one day. That one day I will rise above the tallest mountain and be a light for the world to see, the brightest star in the sky, if only in daydreams.
The water is cold. Fully dressed in the bathtub. She has her hands on me, I feel the weight pushing me down, and I fight. I fight hard. I'm screaming. She's trying to kill me. I can't breath and my chest feels like its going to snap in half and burst into flames all at the same time. I don't know how long it was before I was coughing and trying to breath. I felt the weight on my head and shoulders again, and again it hurt. Sometimes I daydreamed that she killed me. That way it would be over.
Sometimes, in my daydreams, I imagine that I can soar like an eagle chasing the sunset. Shining Knight races below me, faster than the speed of a lightening bolt, splitting open the night sky that wraps around us, as today fades into yesterday. The rain starts to pour down on us but I don't mind, as my victorious horse grows his wings and he glides up to greet me, and I lay down on his back. With my arms around his neck, my face buried in his snow-white mane, we soar together through the stormy skies and over tempestuous seas. Through the hours we break open every dark cloud until there is enough starlight shining through to make a rainbow in the night for all the world that is draped in darkness to see.
Sometimes I daydream. I dream that one day they won't be daydreams anymore . That there will be a day when I can dance and sing and laugh, just like I do in my daydreams. Sometimes I daydream that one day I will ride my wild horse bareback across every terrain, in whatever weather. And I will be free and full of life and wonder, just like the girl in my daydreams. I daydream that there's a day somewhere out there when I would be happy and free, but once again my daydreams are punched away with a blow to my jaw from my aunt, for who knows what reason now, but I am suddenly and painfully reminded, that they are, and always will be just that. Just daydreams. Just stupid little-girl daydreams...

[becomingbutterfly]

I love the description of your daydreams. They are lovely. As a kid, I was horsecrazy too. How beautiful to ride far, far a way under the light of the moon, through the welcoming forest.

I'm so sorry for what you suffered. But I hope poetry helps you to express your feelings. You deserved better.

[Jonesy]

Hi BrokenButterflyWings

You describe the escapism perfectly. Horses run like the wind, mine did too.

[GrowingTree]

You write beautifully