Poem-I can’t convince myself

[GreenTomatoe]

Why do I want this?

Why do I keep fantasizing?

He’s not even reciprocating?

He treats me so amazing.

I feel loved by him.

I adore him.

I want him.

I love him.

I hate him.

Why?

I can’t convince myself not to.

I want to.

Why?

What’s wrong with me?

I want a relationship with him.

That’s not normal.

I want to fuck him.

That’s not normal.

So why can’t I convince myself?

Why am I so happy?

All the signs are there.

But when I speak to him it all erases.

I have no fear.

Just arousal.

And intense needs to fuck him.

To want to be with him.

And I don’t want it to stop.

But it needs to.

I know it’s wrong.

I have to find a way.

But I can’t convince myself.

[greendreamdays]

Hi GreenTomatoe, thank you for sharing. I can relate and feel the sadness and frustration in the poem. Poetry has a way of saying a lot with few words. It takes some time and patience to un-condition the body's arousal after abuse. They say neurons in the brain that "fire together wire together," meaning when two stimuli happen together the brain creates associations, even if that means creating connections between fear and thoughts of the abuser with arousal. Sitting with you. It doesn't mean you want to be abused. So many of us struggle with this. You are not alone and it takes courage to talk about it.
Edit: grammar, ugh