A broken man

[Crow]

Something a bit different to my usual...
The words came as the tears flowed last night.

A broken man

I'm tired of picking up broken pieces from the ground,
as I shatter again into a thousand fragments,
I struggle as I try to pick each one up.
Every time I make progress in life, it all comes crashing down again.
I make friendships, yet soon enough I'm hurt and let down.
I seem to either attach myself too closely to people that I shouldn't,
or I misread situations and signals, and make errors that hurt me all over again.
What is wrong with me?
At one time I was told that everyone seems to love me, and they gravitate towards me,
but now it seems that I'm taken advantage of and used.
I have an overwhelming childlike reaction inside when I feel I connect with someone,
as if finally someone sees me and loves me for who I am.
And when I can break free from the crippling anxiety driven overthinking,
I innocently say or do something that turns out to be wrong,
further validating feelings of inadequacy.
Why is it so hard to be me?
Why does it feel like I am stuck in a victim mentality?
All I want is to rest, and not have to be on guard all the time.
And on the rare occasion I upset someone, it devestates me,
and breaks my heart to know that I've hurt anyone.
Takes me back to those times as a child,
fearing punishment, ill treatment, and being thought of as horrible.
But not only that,
I can't stand anyone to be upset,
for their sake, but also mine.
I don't like to be seen as a hurtful person,
it's not who I was as a little boy,
and is not who I am as an adult.
Sadness envelopes,
and depression crushes.
I'm broken, and hurting...
Just a broken man.

[Nelll]

Hi Crow,
Not sure if you saw my post of the chat forum. But sorry if it seemed like a disappeared on you I'm the chat over the weekend. I went to make tea, split milk, came back and you were gone.

So much emotion in this, so much heart.

If your around today, I'll be around too if you wanted to chat at all.

Thinking of you
Nell

[Crow]

Hi Nelll,

I did see your post thank you. I'm sorry I dashed out of chat yesterday. As you know, I'd had a bad day yesterday, and a lot on my mind too, and I didn't want to be a burden, and just left. Not handled a lot of things that well recently. Pretty overwhelmed with how my life is these days, and real so called friends in 3D have treated me. Struggling with letting go of things...

Crow

[Nelll]

Hiya,

No pressure to respond to it, I'm just glad you saw it and didn't think I'd ran off on you. (Please know your never a burden)
I hope your day is better today?

You've got alot going on, it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. I hope things balance out for you soon, I really do.
I'm sorry you've not been treated fairly by your non virtual friends, I haven't got many friends in the 3D world but I know that people who don't treat you right, do not deserve to be in your life.

Again, here if you wanna talk.
Nelll