Questions for my father

[Crow]

This poem is probably my most emotionally taxing poem that I have written recently. I have been having a difficult time with processing and working through the way I remember, now see, and feel about my dad... these are my thoughts and realisations put into art form. It's real, it's honest, it was extremely hard to write...

Crow

Questions for my father

You stood by and silently enabled what she did!
Was it some kind of game to you when I ran and hid?
You closed your eyes and mind, hoping for a quiet life,
That plan repeatedly failed when chaos was running rife,

Maybe I remember incorrectly... of course, you were out at work,
Her eyes full of hatred when she removed my innocent smirk,
Hypervigilant, I constantly observed everything,
She shouted, threatened and hit me - planned, and on a whim,

But weekends - remember those? You were at home too,
Surely you could see? (I now realise that you knew),
Home life for me was dismal, yet the signs you easily missed,
But again you'd bury your head - after all, ignorance is bliss,

At meal times, sitting next to her, I'd flinch when she reached for the salt,
Quickly covering my head to avoid the expected assault,
What did you think I was doing? Surely you thought it was strange,
But I guess you didn't want to admit that your wife was so deranged,

At thirty five years of age, I came and asked you why...
You didn't protect me from her hands - all you did was lie!
You see, I obtained childhood records that clearly show you knew,
About the physical and emotional abuse that she always put me through,

As a young boy you'd punish me too, but nothing like her violence,
But what about her frequent attacks? - You just sat back in silence,
You were the safer parent in a home where you were the enabler,
But now I realise you abused me too, (I thought you made the home stabler),

So, dad, what shall I think? - I thought you were a friend,
Can't you see what you did to me made you an abuser in the end?
I'm still confused as to what to think, all your words apparently lies,
Mother was the main abuser, but your dismissiveness makes me cry,

I wonder if I should speak to you, to ask you once again?
Will the story you give just be a narrative that is pretend?
At least when I confronted my mother she acknowledged her abusive ways,
Not that she actually apologised, but in the past she said it stays,

But Dad, the past still affects me, which is why I'm pondering this,
Why you joined in and allowed the abuse, and put me at such risk?
Remember when I disclosed my abuse, social services sent you a letter?
You wrote one back and forced me to sign it - for you it was better.

[AcceptanceAT]

Hi Crow,

That poem hits hard. It´s amazing. You are right to state that negligence and failure to stop the abuse, even when it´s carried by somebody else, is in itself abuse. I get that, at the time, he seemed more like a friend. Because we always look for allies when we are in "enemy lands", and the ally might just be someone that´s not so bad. So I guess it´s natural that the way you see your dad is changing. You spoke about wanting to ask him about it? Talk about the abuse with your dad? Do you think he´d be more open to it than, say, your mother?

Wish you all the strength to deal with this,

AcceptanceAT

[Crow]

Hi AcceptanceAT,

A few years ago nearly, I spoke to my dad as referenced in the poem, with the question of why he didn't protect me and stop her. His response at that time was that he didn't know. I gave him examples of what happened and realised as I told him that he was often at work. He sat there and blankly said an expletive and said he didn't know. We sat in silence with tears streaming down my face. I then said about weekends, but he changed the subject. (This was before I received records which validate my memories.) He then oddly said that he was not upset and not angry about it because he can't change it. At the time it seemed plausible, but a few hours later as I went over and over it in my head I just thought it odd. It's like he knows full well what the deal is but won't admit any part in it. Rather, he told me to talk to my mother about how I feel and what 'she' put me through from my perspective! I don't think it's worth my time asking him. I'd like to place the 122 pages of childhood records in front of him and ask him again, but that would be a forced admission... I'd rather have an honest one.
I doubt I'll mention it again though...

Crow

[coconuts]

I understand the pain and confusion of the enabler. Like AcceptanceAT said when our allies are just the least destructive it still doesnt mean they were good. I struggle with this too. I know i have to face the betrayal of not just the main abuser but the one on the sidelines who occasionally stepped in and joined. Its a hard bite to swallow. Its hard to not feel so many things that we dont deserve to feel

Coconuts