- Posts: 2
- Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:44 pm
I am in am on/off relationship with a CSA. I don't know much about behaviours and what is normal and what is not.
We were having problems in our relationship. Instead of being understanding, I was triggered by my own issues wen he would pull away and withdraw. I was angry and said mean things. It took me a while to understand why he was distancing himself.
Since then, I have been to councilling. I've done alot of work. But my boyfriend won't let me back in. He doesn't trust me. He goes hot and cold, one minute wanting to see me, laughing with me, and kissing me. The next minute, he's irrationally angry and cutting me out.
It's so confusing and I feel like we are on this merry-go-round. He push and pulls, and won't let me into his life at all. I've tried to be patient, understanding, loving, and open. But it seems to me he doesn't want to risk being hurt. He says he's not ready to dig thru our past.
But I feel it's more than that. He has never gone to councilling for his childhood abuse. I'm thinking maybe with our fights and the things i said, it retaumatized him.
I feel like I am being blamed for more than just my own mistakes and wrong doings.
I love him so much. I don't want to give up, but I'm just so Confused. Is this push and pull normal?? Does anybody have a similar situation with triggering each other?
If any survivors or loved ones could give any info or experiences I would appreciate it
I'm so broken and sad
- Posts: 1244
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2014 12:21 am
Firstly I just want to say that it is unusual for it to take this long for someone to respond to a post. I've been away from the site for a bit (life happened!) but there's normally someone around. I hope you are ok... Anyway, to give some context to my response, I experienced severe and prolonged abuse as a child and part of my adulthood. I am married (for 11 years) and my husband has never experienced abuse. I can make some general statements and talk about my own experience but please do remember that everyone is unique.
I think it can be really difficult for anyone who has experienced childhood abuse to trust someone enough to be in a relationship with them and that goes for any kind of relationship, whether that be romantic, friendship, familial etc. Whilst bearing in mind that people are individuals and therefore have individual responses, it is quite normal for there to be a "push and pull" dynamic within relationships with those who have experienced abuse. When I really started having flashbacks and nightmares, and shared some of my abuse history with my husband, it was quite hard for him. I would say that he is a genuinely loving and caring man but there were a few bumps, which did make me pull back from him. He has regained my trust, mainly by being gentle with me, but also explaining to me that I need to give him a chance to show that he can be trusted. I wouldn't say he was ever rude but perhaps a little insensitive due to his inexperience and lack of understanding. It's no longer an issue but it took time.
I don't know how long you have been in a relationship with your boyfriend. There's a big difference between being in a relationship with someone for 6 months or for 6 years. I hope that didn't sound patronising - I'm sorry if I did. The reason I said that is because I think it's important to not place the same expectations on someone who has experienced abuse as you would on someone who hasn't. I think a fair rule of thumb would be that everything takes longer to establish - trust, varying stages of commitment etc. I think it's absolutely wonderful that you have been going to counselling and working on yourself. This is fantastic for you as well as your relationship. I am concerned, however, that he isn't engaging in counselling at all or some other form of working through his past. I completely understand that pushing too hard, too quickly, is really damaging and very traumatising but trying to live life ignoring the past won't work either. Trust me, I've been there, done that, and it always rears its ugly head.
You are clearly a loving and compassionate person. That is so obvious from the fact you came here to write and welcomed responses from those of us who have experienced abuse as well as those who are a support. I can't advise you or tell you what you should do with regards to your relationship. Ultimately only you can make that choice. What I would say, however, is that you are important too. There are two people in this relationship and you should get your needs met too.
I hope my thoughts are of some help to you.
Edited once to make sense!
- Posts: 520
- Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am
My apologies for not responding sooner.
I am the loved one of a survivor of CSA and later sexual abuse. The push-pull, in my life, is constant. It is understandable that you feel burdened by the actions of your partner's abuser(s) - because you and your partner do have to deal with the fallout of those actions. It's good that you are in counseling. It is quite common that survivors of trauma, of any kind, will find each other. You have to make a decision about whether to stay on the merry-go-round or not. If you stay, you must do it lovingly with the understanding and acceptance that the ride will continue in some form. In my case, I learned after we had children - so the decision to stay and make it work for the kids was clear.
- Posts: 9095
- Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am
As an abuse survivor and as someone working toward thriving in life, I really appreciate your posting here. Your concern for and commitment to your loved one is clear. If only more people could care as you do!
I echo what others have said here. I deal with just being able to confide in a friend. That is plenty challenging for me. I have tried being in a 'relationship' and found that I chose someone who couldn't give much of himself. Maybe I will find someone someday who can care in a deeper, fuller way.
I hope things work out for you and the person you care about.
I deserve better than survival.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest