sad & lonely

[Anonymous]

i'm posting because sometimes i am just at the end of my rope. i am swamped by feelings of isolation and misery. i love my partner so much but sometimes it feels like we live on different planets, that we will never figure out how to live in harmony & connection ever again.

these hard times come and go, so part of me feels silly to be so upset about it. but i can't deny how upsetting it is to share a household with someone who is so sad, so upset, so triggered for weeks on end. it starts to feel like there is no future, no past, only a thick tension that pervades everything. i feel like i stop being a real person, just a shadow of myself. and trying to do the right thing by her and for myself at the same time feels impossible. i mess up, say the wrong thing, then feel guilty about it. she reacts so badly, i just want to make it better even if the original thing that we are tense about is me asserting some boundaries or a wish to have some time to myself.

and sometimes it just feels like whole weeks disappear. i want to go apple picking this weekend, but i won't have time. and then it won't be apple season again for a whole year. i don't want to blame her or feel angry about it -- i know that she's working really hard to heal from her past. god knows i have my own trauma to work through, so i understand. but then i feel backed up against a wall, mired in the all-consuming sadness. i know that people will say that i should take care of myself, that i should get out of the house & go apple picking with someone else or by myself or something like that but it's just so hard, so draining. all i have the energy to do right now is sit on my couch & type this & cry. my friends know that i'm having a hard time but they are busy today.

what i want is to have a lovely happy day with my partner. there's no substitute for that. and if i say that i want that i know she'll just go down the rabbit hole & say how she feels guilty & inadequate & say that she's ruining my life & i shouldn't be with her. but i want to be with her, i just want to be happy too. so i sit alone & don't do anything. sigh.

[peaceseeker]

Freesia,

I think you should not be deprived of the things you love in life because your partner is healing from abuse. I think we are with the partners we are with for a reason. We are supposed to balance each other, support each other.

Perhaps it would do your partner some good to get out of the house for a couple of hours. Maybe you could ask her to accompany you, and tell her that if it gets too much for her, you will leave. When I was healing, I found that I always enjoyed being outdoors and at things like apple picking, but if others hadn't made me go, I probably wouldn't have gone.

As a survivor myself, I can say fairly that just because we are healing does not mean that those we love should have to shut their own lives down and live in limbo. If you love apple picking (I do, too), then you should go apple picking, and you shouldn't have to choose between something you love to do and the person you love. There must be a way to combine the two.

It's important, too, for survivors not to become too all-consumed in their healing work to the extent that they are no longer living their present day lives. You are the present, and even though your partner may be distracted and working through some difficult things, she should be able to accompany you to things that you love, too. You are partners.

Healing is a long, difficult journey, and while it doesn't go on forever, it does go on for a long time. You shouldn't have to stop living and be in misery so that she can heal. The relationship needs to be more balanced so that both partners' needs are met.

Perhaps just talking to her about this would help?

[freesia]

thank you peaceseeker. your words are very welcome. as with all of these incidents, the crisis passes & we go on together making it work. but it helped to say something about it. i appreciate very much your support & listening to me.

[freesia]

now we're having an argument, or at least that's what she said. she said i don't support her, & she feels too vulnerable to talk to me about her feelings & her process. she said every time she brings up something that she feels is really important, i sideswipe her with my feelings or a big emotional thing that takes over everything.

i don't feel like this is always true, but i think it is sometimes true. i think it's hard, we neither of us understand where the other is coming from. i feel like she doesn't understand & acknowledge how hard it is to be in relationship with her when she is having ptsd flashbacks, intrusive memories, triggers, etc. i don't blame her at all for them but they do have a huge impact on me.

i guess it's hard because i've felt a lot of resentment in the past (before she understood about the trauma that happened to her, when she was still repressing the memories) about being the person who had to 'keep it all together'. this involved being responsible for her needs & emotional well-being. of course i shouldn't have done this, but i had lots of troubled things in my own background that made me not question playing this role in relationship with her. i am in therapy now and working on fixing that side of me.

so now i feel like fine, she's angry with me for not being supportive of her, being dismissive of her, for hiding my true feelings about things. and i see this problem. i am really struggling with it. of course i have my side of things too -- i feel like she doesn't see the work i do put into our relationship, doesn't see the times i do things for her & try to be there for her, she just takes them for granted & only notices when i don't do as good a job.

also i think i have a tendency when things are really hard to start to look outside of the relationship for things that meet my needs. not like romantic stuff, but my volunteer work is really important to me & i feel like i invest a lot of time in it. when she's struggling it's so hard to connect with her, it feels easier to be in a group of people who i'm not that close to.

she says i make her feel unloved when i'm upset, but i feel like i can't say that i feel so abandoned & unloved when she's suffering from the ptsd. i don't *at all* see it as a zero sum game, not at all! just that it's so hard for both of us to feel safe & loved by the other.

sometimes i wonder if it's worth it. we work so hard just to be in this awful situation. she's so angry with me. at least she can tell me in a constructive way. i wish i had a better way of talking about this. i think i need to tell her, i feel upset & angry too. i feel frustrated that i can't seem to support you the way you need me to. i feel upset that i can't figure out how to do it better. at the same time i feel really exhausted & overwhelmed by your ptsd. that's the piece i feel like i can't say. maybe i should say it though. sigh. i am so, so, so sad & lonely. i wish this weren't happening. i said, maybe we're not arguing, maybe we can call it a discussion. but she said she was too angry with me to call it that.

[dreamykitten]

I think that your doing things outside the relationship, like volunteer work, is very healthy for your marriage and you should not stop doing it.

She should also have her own interests.

For a marriage to be healthy, both people have to develop themselves as individuals. Being completely focused on the other person, or being completely dependent on the other person for emotional support, is not healthy.

I think it is a good idea for you to ask her, when she is having a good day, exactly what she wants you to do or say to make her feel loved and supported.

You should then decide what is reasonable and what isn't, and tell her what you will or won't do. For example, sitting quietly and listening to her and not interrupting, while she talks about her past, giving her a hug, or leaving tbe room to give her some space is reasonable.

Having to give up your outside activities or seeing your friends, or having to take time off work so you can be with her when you need to work to pay the bills, is not reasonable.

(That is just my opinion - your ideas of what are reasonable and unreasonable are unique to you.)

Just because she is a survivor does not mean that she has the right to control you.

One of the classic signs of domestic abuse is that the abuser doesn't allow the abusee have a life of their own and see other people - which is what I see when you say feel guilty about doing volunteer work.

She also needs to recognize when she is behaving in a way that hurts you - even if she can't control it at the time. When my husband or I (both survivors) have a moment of irritability or say something we shouldn't, we immediately apologize afterwards. This way we don't develop a situation where someone is "allowed" to be cruel just because they are a survivor. The incidents also happen less and less afterwards simply because once you apologize, you become conscious of the fact that you shouldn't do it.

I also think that by getting out of the house and doing volunteer work, you are giving her more space to be by herself which forces her to work on things herself, which is a good thing.

Then again, I don't know your situation so maybe you really are being callous and you do need to listen more and be more supportive.

That's why it's important to sit down with her and have her clarify exactly what she expects of you.

[peaceseeker]

Freesia,

Sometimes when I find that trying to talk to my hubby about things ends up turning every time into more drama, I find it more helpful to write a letter. That way, I can make sure it says just what I mean to say before I give it to him, and he can read (and re-read, if necessary) without trying to respond at the same time. I think when we don't have a way of responding in the moment, we can focus on what the other person is saying better and then we can process things a bit before responding. I find that responses tend to be better thought-out and helpful when given some time.

I hope your situation improves very soon. It's very stressful to be living with strife.

[the husband]

Freesia

I can echo a lot of what you have to say. While I'm in a different place with my survivor, I do struggle with taking care of myself. Only recently have I begun to do little things for myself (new shoes, long overdue doctor's appointments, new eyeglasses, gym night), but I do feel guilty at times. I am still my survivors "rock", but I won't be much longer if I don't do these things for myself - because I've realized that nobody else is going to tend to me for an indeterminate amount of time.

One thing I do when my survivor is sharing her feelings is: listen. Quietly. I found that we were getting into almost a competition of how bad we were feeling, or were taking each others comments as being in reference to ourselves. We got into a one-upmanship that was not reassuring to either of us. I've taken to choosing another, better, time to express my feelings to her. Early on in the process we would preface by saying "This is about me right now. I'm just venting and it has nothing to do with you. I don't want advice, I just want to vent."

[ladysslipper]

Hmm first I am going to assume that you are both females, not that it matters but I dont want to make assumptions that are not true. If you are a L couple I know where I live there are counselors that specialize in gay and lesbian couples counseling. It may be helpful for the both of you to go to a few sessions together. Sometimes all it is a lack of communication or misunderstandings when we communicate.
I get what she is saying about feeling vulnerable but it is not you that is making her feel that way. The vulnerability comes from the abuse we endured growing up and from telling about it later in life.

Maybe when she says you dont support her you could ask her what she needs. If it is something you can not give her let her know I am not equipped to give you xx. It is not you it is just that I do not know how or something like that.

she says i make her feel unloved when i'm upset,

It is not you that makes her feel this way. No one can make another person feel in any way shape or form. She chooses to feel this way or because of her past this is how she feels when you are upset but you do not make her feel this way. Next time she says this point out to her that she has a choice in how she reacts to things. She does not have to react like she did when she was young anymore. Ask her is it because of what you went through when you were growing up that you feel unloved when I am upset. She may not answer you but it will give her soemthing to think about.

[freesia]

just dropping in to say thanks to all of you. i'll respond more later, i've been working super long days this week with a huge volunteer event that just finished. very successful! and you've all given me lots to think about, which is much appreciated. i am so grateful to you all for being here for me when i'm really feeling down.

xo freesia

[dreamykitten]

Following up on what ladyslipper said - if this is a lesbian relationship (and I am not making assumptions either), I think it is important to realize that it is often harder to detect abuse in a same sex relationship than in a heterosexual one.

I am speaking from the perspective of someone who was in an emotionally abusive lesbian relationship for a very long time.

We are usually taught that in domestic abuse, men are the abusers and women are the victims, so it is harder to recognise abuse when it comes from a woman. (This also goes for hetero relationships where the woman is abusive to the man, so that could apply as well.)

I'm not saying that your partner is emotionally abusive, but the fact that you feel guilty about having your own interests and so on rings a little warning bell. A characteristic of emotional abusers is that they externalize their feelings and in their minds make other people responsible for how they feel. It is always someone else's fault.

Of course, if you love someone you want to make them happy, and there is nothing wrong with giving up a night out with friends in order to comfort your partner when she is having a very bad time, but there is a line past which the relationship becomes unhealthy and codependent. The point past which the supporter becomes an enabler and loses himself or herself in the process.

Also, the fact that she grew up in an abusive environment could mean that she doesn't know how to relate to others in a healthy way.

Once again, I am not saying that this is the case, because I don't know exactly what is happening in your relationship. It is just something to be careful of.