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Hi the husband and Fleur

I just wanted to say how much I value reading your interactions

I've been thinking about this recent event with my wife, and I think what really sent it off the rails was the fact that I was annoyed with her at the time we tried to process it. Her experience of my anger is very different than mine (or the kids) and she goes deep into defensive mode. I think it has to do with the volatile household she grew up in. I felt it was safe to process because she asked and because I felt that I was able to be thoughtful about it, but I realize now that we needed to "be okay" for a while before successfully processing. I could have let it go for the night and come back to it the next day. As it is now the whole thing is distorted for her.

Hello the husband


We can only learn from past - and seems to me you are taking responsibility for yourself as well as understanding your wife's perspective.

I guess there's not much you can do now about this particular episode. Must be very difficult to feel like you could have waited - as a human being, you are imperfect yet striving to be best possible husband and parent.

Tomorrow (Sunday) is Father's Day here. Even if incorrect timing for your part of the world, may you enjoy your weekend and know that you are a great leader of your household.

Thank you, Fleur.

You're right - there's nothing else to be done in this situation except for me to learn from it and try to do better next time. One thing I try to model is that one can sincerely apologize for a mistake, or for something that they could have done better, without accepting the blame for the entire issue. It is a rare fight where one person is completely blameless. Even if somebody accepts responsibility, I try to chime in with something I wish I had done differently. It makes apologizing more palatable, I think.

Appreciate your sharing the husband. Recently did something very different in a discussion. Just registered the change was imitating you - accepting my part in the problem, listening to them, attempting to find suitable compromise. Think everyone involved went away feeling OK. So thank you

You are too kind! Congrats for being able to forge a new path. I'm careful to avoid being either too stingy with owning something I could have done better, or to be too quick to own something that's perhaps a shared responsibility.

Hi the husband,

Been reading some of your responses to various people and popped in to thank you for expressing balanced thoughtful views in support for members.

May all be well with you.

With care,

Oh! Thank you, Xanthia. As you can see from this thread, a lot of people have been here for me when I needed it. I'm happy to reach out when I can.

I'm not sure whether to be concerned or not:

On one hand, my wife and I are traditionally quite busy this time of year - we usually end up arguing and then agreeing that we're "ships passing in the night" around now.

On the other hand, we have made time for each other recently, and yet intimacy is in short supply.

My wife has been having difficulty achieving orgasm the past few weekends (our only time for intimacy, per her specification) despite my efforts to do the things that have been working for her up to now. Saturday she was up and dressed in no time and asked that we take a walk (vs. intimacy), which I agreed to. We had a nice walk and I made breakfast. Nothing new discussed. Sunday she was up and started her day before I was fully awake.

I think something is amiss. We have a teenage girl staying with us because her mom is unstable - I'm wondering if my wife has been triggered in nurturing her. I'll give it another week and then will inquire as to what is happening with our intimacy if nothing has resolved.