A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

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the husband
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

The kids (teens) are complaining that she is being hard on them. I've already let them know that she isn't feeling good about her situation and might be in a bad mood, but I guess she's not very pleasant to them when I'm at work. My daughter is especially annoyed because my wife has been extra vigilant toward her, who she is talking to, what she is wearing, etc.. She wants to compare her experience to that of her older brother, but it's a false dichotomy because he never went anywhere when he was her age! Some of the vigilance is normal for parenting a 15 y/o, but she may be right about the intensity. I'm not sure as I didn't witness it and there may be a difference in perception. She is aware that her mother had a "bad childhood", but she can't yet see how it has shaped her own life. She doesn't know why she always wears shorts with skirts, for instance, she just always has. It may be a conversation to have much later.
the husband
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Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

My wife has quit the job that was stressing her out. Honestly it was the startlingly poor management that ended it for her, rather than the work itself. She has an equally challenging opportunity with a much better manager, so rather than despairing - she is hopeful. The every-other-weekend requirement at work was a barrier to intimacy, so it will be interesting to see whether we keep our usual schedule, or adapt to the new one.
coconuts
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by coconuts »

Oh good for her. Hoping this leads to bigger and better things.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
the husband
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

Thank you. She just started a new job and already feels much better.

She's starting to talk about becoming foster parents. We're in our early 50's and have a teen and a young adult. Her thought is that we should do this because "we're such good parents". I disappointed her because I said I would prefer to do the things we wanted to do but couldn't because we had kids, and I would like to focus on ourselves a bit more, develop a social life, etc..

What I thought, but did not say, is that I provide a lot of her care when she is having a hard time and shoulder most of the emotional and household burden then. I don't want to add the uncertainty of foster children to the mix, as they will have their own unique needs. I'm not sure I have the emotional bandwidth to take on the unknown.
coconuts
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by coconuts »

So glad the new job is good so far.

I can understand your hesitancy and concerns and your desires. You have been a caretaker for a while of both your kids and her at times. And its okay to want to just have some you time without childcare stress. I understand your wife's desire to help and rescue as well though. I could see myself wanting to foster but im sure my husband would say no. And yeah he is like you. I fall apart and he has to pick up the slack.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
the husband
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Posts: 520
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

Thank you for the reality check - both in the validation of my feelings and those of my wife.

I feel a bit guilty about it, honestly. On one hand I want to rescue others, but on the other hand I've been told in therapy that I need to remember to take off my superman cape. Fostering could be very rewarding, but it could also be way more than we bargained for. Her dream is to foster an elementary school aged boy of a specific culture that is different from our own, something that is a bit frowned on by that culture in our area. Their complaint is that we would not be properly acculturating the child - so already we're looking at an issue. I guess the fairest thing I can say is that I don't want to put any energy into it right now.
the husband
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Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

We just celebrated 24 years of marriage. While it seems an odd thing, the highlight for me was my wife's acknowledgement of how challenging some of the years have been, and how much she has grown with my support. I told her I also grew from those times, and we are stronger together. She beamed to hear that, and it's true: We didn't just survive adversity together - we became stronger individually and together because of it. After all we have faced head-on there's nothing that could completely undo us.

It's hard work - but isn't enduring hard too?
coconuts
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by coconuts »

Thats amazing the husband. Happy anniversary. You guys have grown thru some tough times. You have flourished in adversity. I think its amazing to read about the strengrh you fought with to make it thru.
Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Kokoschka »

Hello Husband and Congratulations on 24 years of marriageπŸ‘πŸ’πŸ‘πŸ’πŸ‘πŸ’

We haven't met yet but l want to say Kudos to you for the love, courage and perseverance. May the next 24 be as rewarding🀞🌻🀞🌻🀞

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
the husband
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Posts: 520
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

Thank you Kokoschka and coconuts.

It's good to have come out the other end. Yes, there are still a few rough spots, but probably fewer than couples who have not lived through this process. Most of the sharp edges have been worn off like rounded stones in a busy stream. While it has been difficult, I imagine that it would be difficult had we split up, having learned nothing and repeating the mistakes our parents made. Or we could have stayed together, having made no progress, and settling for separate lives behind a façade.

Here's an unexpected thing: I've written that we had no intimacy whatsoever for 4 years at one point. Later is was extremely limited. Interestingly, now I think it's more varied than most. I had not anticipated that.
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